Hi everyone and thank you for welcoming me to the GYE community. I have been here before many years ago. Im back. Back then I was single and now Im married with a few kids. I need some guidance from you guys. I have always been someone who craved sexuality. I have never done anything to fill that crave. I got excited when I would see pictures of girls but I did not struggle with constantly searching for it. When I was 18 I dabbled more with porn and when I experienced a personal trauma  (was exposed to a cheating incident) I turned to it again to self-soothe. I went to therapy  eventually got married and it did not seem to be an issue. Then a year in there was a moment that the opportunity to get my hand on an unfiltered phone and I fell. My wife was aware and it was not cool. This happened every so often (once every 2-3 months). Eventually I brought it up in therapy and we worked on it and it did not seem to be an issue rather it was dubbed “normal”. Since then I discussed it with my wife and she has been super supportive. We read amazing books together and it was and continues to be a real growing experience . I don’t own a smart phone, We have web chaver and I don’t have any passwords to any device not filtered. Anytime I sense a loophole I would share it with her and she would block it. Eventually I shared the trauma with my wife which helped her have a better understanding of where it all stemmed from. The open communication has been life changing. We read a book together which talks about how helpful it can be to turn to your wife when you struggle with porn (“love you, hate porn” is the title).

However, my struggle is as follows. I find myself in a situation which comes with some stressful “not in control” moments. We are in a state of unsettledness and it oftentimes gets to me.  I find that every 4-6 weeks this downward spiral starts to kick in. As it kicks in I feel less settled and I “need an escape”. I think to myself “porn can help me now. I have been so good I just need one little dose to help me out of this”. But the voice in my head replies back “ dude, you know it doesn’t work that way”. I usually bring my wife into it and after listening to me and giving me a big hug it sometimes goes away. But lately it has not been. I find myself wondering “what if that computer at work is unfiltered and I get a second with it” “what f that Ipad has an easy code”. Hmmmm, I start to wonder and the thought stays in the back of my mind. I cant seem to get it out. I go through my day and I find myself subconsciously deciding to not workout, not go to minyan so I can “feed” the downfall. Then I start to feel worse and then I get into craze mode of "now I really need this "and somehow I find that escape. A new computer at work, a new ipad that showed up. In the past, when I get my hands on a device I would just go to a website and that was enough to feel that rush without even gazing. I would close the computer instantly. Then there were times where I would go to the website and look for a little longer- a min. I usually took precautions to prevent it from happening again. I started doing well until the next wave comes. That was 6 weeks ago. On the latest fall I looked and stayed on it and spilled seed. When it was just a glance I would share with my wife because she knew something was wrong and she would cry with and hug me. It was very helpful. The masturbation part is too hard to share.

I am coming to you guys for some practical advice. I cant keep coming back to her like this. I feel bad and I am like “what am I doing to myself and why cant I just overcome it for once and for all. Why do I have to have that thought there linger until I fill it up with what I desire. I find all the “shower and exercise ideas help for a day and then the thought and crave is still there. It is there telling me “I will be here until you get it done and then I will make you feel miserable about it”. Rarely has the thought gone away from more than a day.

What do I do? Granted I am going through unsettled times in my life (career changes, moving) but this is adding to it and I want it out. For starters,  I will sign up with the 90 day chart. Does anyone here relate to this situation ? Should I check myself back in for therapy? Is this "normal"? am I an addict? should I join SA?

Any advice would be appreciated

My suggestion is that the best path in your situation is not to go to SA or therapy.First try "to be connected" with the great members on GYE as isolation is the worst enemy of recovery.

I'll add one concept:If a one-hundred-dollar bill falls in the mud, and people step on it, and it gets wrinkled and muddy, it is still worth a hundred dollars. Similarly, if a diamond falls into mud, its value remains the same. The same is with a Yid. Regardless of where a Yid falls, he can return to Hashem. Despite of what occurred, his self-value was never depreciated. The Rebbe of Savran zt'l once accidentally blew out the candles on Shabbos (with his talis), and he was very depressed about that, and he wasn't able to sleep all night. In the morning, when it was time to say pesukei d'zimra, he didn’t have any joy in his heart to daven. But then he thought, "If this was a sin, I will go to Gehinom. Chazal say that resha'im sing shirah to Hakadosh Baruch Hu in Gehinom. I will also sing shirah to Hashem, here on Earth," and with this thought in mind, he was able to daven properly. The lesson is that one shouldn’t moan on the past, rather to pick oneself up and to begin again. 

zxxz11 wrote on 24 Jan 2020 15:45:

Why can’t you be an addict and normal too?

Anyone that takes bold steps like Therapy or SA etc, I believe are Normal+

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha. Keep posting and reach out to some of the veterans here. They may be able to help determine what is the correct approach for you. It is not possible from reading one post to diagnose addiction etc. One thing is for sure. You are honest forward and courageous. Guys like you b'ezras Hashem get better.

Hi,

I hope everyone is doing well during these times. BH I am clean as of signing up! The SMART method helped me alot and just knowing I can check in on GYE when I felt a little down is super helpful as well.
The thing that I am finding tobe difficult is the replacement for "stolen waters". Even if my wife and I are in a great place I sometime just have that feeling of- i wish I can have some stolen waters right now. How do I approach that?

It's so good to hear that the smart recovery program helped you...
Keep it up!

Rav Dessler (Chelek 1, page 42)brings a Gemara which tells of a man hiding in the walls of the house of a woman with whom he was having an affair. The husband came home and was about to drink water that this man knew was poisoned. At the point, the man jumped out and rescued the husband.

Abayei says: It is certain that the man did not commit adultery with this woman; otherwise, he would have wanted the husband dead.

The Gemora asks: Isn't this obvious?

The Gemora answers: I might have thought that he preferred the husband alive in order to enjoy the woman as mayim genuvim; km"l not so.

Tosafos asks: Maybe that is the case?
Tosafos answers: An adulterer is unaware of the concept of mayim genuvim yumtaku.

Explains Rav Dessler: The vast majority of lust is the desire to have that which is not ours. We tell ourselves, "If only I had it, I would be happy." Once we do have it, it is now under our belt and part of us and therefore not special anymore. If we truly understood this, we would not run after lust.

UPDATE!!I joined 90 days ago and BH i made it to 90 days! I cannot thank you enough for the push. I have been wanting to reach this accomplishment for a while now and this finally helped me succeed!I just wanted to share with you and all members  the following experience I had on this journey.It started off pretty easy. Then feelings started coming back. At that point I read the SMART recovery pamphlet which I found to be super helpful in getting me over the initial hump. Over the weeks I was able to keep focused with the help of my wife and this website.Last night- right when I was about to be crowned with the "tzaddik" award, I was hit hard.
My wife encouraged me to celebrate so I cracked open a few beers. It was great but I felt the urge coming as it always does after some drinks. Right before I went to sleep I made sure my devices were protected. That was a huge step. But then it was not over. My one year old woke up and would not go back to sleep. In the room with her was an ipod that belonged to a sibling of mine. I knew I had porn right there if I wanted. The battle was HUGE. I picked up the ipod and I was about to start flirting with danger. It was such a struggle and with Hashems help I was able to not give in for almost two hours. Finally my daughter went to sleep. I went to sleep with these crazy urges. I was so upset that it was happening and I was hoping to not fall. With Hashems help, I fell asleep and woke up clean!!When I woke up this morning I realized what happened. I had to earn that "tzaddik" crown. Hashem put me in a position that I was in previously where I had failed. I felt like it was the tenth nisayon given to Avraham Avinu. Hashem wanted me to earn it. This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of tzaddik personally placed by HAshem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize it wont be a breeze but that is what makes you an olympian. This experience was so amazing for me and I hope everyone can experience that soon.Stay with it. Its wild on the other side.Thank you again.