B"H I had a great day yesterday! Thank you all for being there. One more thing that really helped was my partners suggestion to make a concrete schedule for myself of the things I wanted to get done during my down time. Was really helpful! On to another great day be"H!

Checking in again.

Still going - 20 days down - but had a hard day yesterday and wanted to reach out and get back up on my horse before I have a real full on fall.
Not sure exactly what has been getting  to me, but I know that once I "go there" it is only a matter of time until it's all over unless I take some serious action before its too late.

I know in the past when I would fall I would often answer the question of "What will you do next time to prevent a fall?" that I would reach out to GYE chaverim. Well, here I am following through this time and actually reaching out!

Again, with your support, I am gearing up for a good day today and will bl"n not go anywhere on my computer that I would not want my wife to know about.

Thanks for being there!

Hi Determined 
I have noticed that whenever I get a clean streak going the y"h pushes me to do the little things... binge on YouTube, open provocative articles, don't be careful in shmiras einayim in the streets etc... As long as I'm not actually watching porn than I'm OK. He wears me down this way until I full out Fall.
It's really tough but we gotta beat him at his game and push back even in the "smaller" battles which can sometimes ironically can be harder. 
Hatzlacha Rabah! 

Hi determined, 

just read through your thread. Thanks fir keeping up us updated it’s a chizuk for all of us too!

keep on going!

as3207 wrote on 07 Jan 2021 19:59:

Hey buddy, maybe start a thread about urself? We’d love to get to know u

Hatzlocha 

Reaching out is a mechayev of accountability, because the chevra want to see that next post that b'ezras Hashem you pulled through.. Powerful. Also, usually it invites chizuk. Remember we have no need to act out. Continued hatzlocha!

Thanks everyone for all the chizuk. Not even sure what to say about this next update, but I'll share my text that I sent to one of my partners last night:


Okay, so how embarrassing is this? I had a fall today while we were in touch. Pretty bad, no? I started off strong today but got weaker as the day went on and by the end of the day I had succeeded in getting to some "real sechoira" and the rest was history...   (I can still save a drop of face by saying that look at me I'm reaching out and getting back up right away and not "cashing in" on the fall, but still...) I feel really bad that I was so connected and still didn't say anything so I could go ahead with falling. OnceI'm in that zone there's not a whole lot that will stop me. Need to keep staying on top of my game to not go there b'chlal. Ready to move on and try again from where I left off be"H. Sorry...

Big ouch!!

On a positive note, last night was a special night for me in a ruchniyusdiga way (don’t want to say more than that so as not give anything away) which was a huge chizuk. Then, this morning, I was using my computer for something at home (no internet at home b”H) and got a notification that my filter was down and that I need to restart my computer for it to work. Now, in any other instance after such a fall, I would have definitely ran to work and cashed in on the “opportunity” for a while before reporting my fall and getting back in the game; I was feeling quite a tug even now. This time however, after a night like last night and updating my partner, I was able to reach out to my partner right away to let him know what was going on and shut down my computer forcing a restart of the filter before I could do anything. My filter is working fine now (as fine as it gets…).

Chasdei Hashem for stronger moments. Onwards!!

WOW!! Powerful stuff!!
You can only really tell where someone is holding when the times get rough. The fact that you got right up and started again and didn't fall again when your filter went down shows how far you've come! 
Keep going strong!  

These are some great posts!!

Keep up the great work and keep posting! 

You can do it!!!

Hey Determined to win!

How is it going? 

DeterminedtoWin wrote on 08 Jan 2021 18:48:

This is HERO material.

Well, I'm not feeling so herolike right now. I had a bad couple of days. No matter how much I bump up my filter (I even have it in white list mode...) there's always more stuff out there to find and I think I got stuck in a mindset of "I know I can do it, I've done it before, so let me chap arain a little bit more and I'll start again tomorrow". Yeah right!

B"H last night I reached out to my partner and regrouped again. I made a new kabala that if I go anywhere on my computer that I would not want my wife to see, I will bl"n have to pay $100 of non-maaser money to tzedakah. This should help me make it happen already today. My partner also suggested that I make sure to post daily so I will bl"n do that as well.

What are your thoughts about these ideas and does anyone have any other suggestions or insights?

Thanks y'all!

DeterminedtoWin wrote on 13 Jan 2021 16:47:

I've been there...you're doing great by posting about it getting those feelings out.
I've "stress tested" most of the filters out there. Feel free to PM me, I might have an eitzeh for how you can improve yours.

B"H back on track and really feeling it! Yesterday was great and I am feeling strong today as well.

I have been hearing/having different feeling about the knaas idea and am curious to hear everyone's thoughts, both in favor and against, and why.

I'm thinking go with my new kabala until Purim to keep it realistic and sustainable. Making it to Purim also gives me more of an incentive to keep it going now and avoid falling into the mindset of "I'll start living b'kdusha tomorrow" when the going gets tough. This gives me a motivation to want to be living this way right now  and not just to live a clean life at some point (which I know I can do, I've done it before... yah yah yah....).

Thoughts please?