Hello everyone,

It's been a very long time since I've posted or even looked at the forums. The time has come that I've decided I must get involved again if I want to really break free from the addictive and destructive behaviors that keep returning no matter how much better I think (or wish) I am doing. 

I joined the GYE program almost a year and a half ago and have grown tremendously from it. I was zoiche to experience the taste of freedom with a streak ending in the 150's. However, once I broke my streak a bunch of months ago it has been off and on ever since. I think that I've been telling myself, "Look, now I know that I can stay clean if I want to and that this doesn't count. I will go back to leaving it all behind one day again, but for now just this once." I still tried to stay clean but would keep falling every few weeks and began to care less and less, always telling myself that I can get clean again and that one day I'll go back to it for real. I've been suffering from a serious case of doing these things so often "na'asa lo k'heter".

I'm not sure what clicked, but now I finally decided that I want to go back to it for real. I very much want to go back to really making it happen and working hard on getting and staying clean for good. I know that when I was involved on the forums it was much easier. I didn't feel as alone. Yes, I do have a partner and a sponsor but I have been feeling too ashamed to give them the full picture of where things are holding (now you know ) and I've come to realize that at the end of the day, "ein hadavar talui elah be." 

The problem is that life is so busy and it's not easy to find the time. I am now determined to find the time at least once a week or every other week to visit the forums and get involved again. Also, now that I am being more open with my partner and sponsor it can be easier to stay more in touch with them. It's not easy to admit that I haven't managed to really stop these behaviors but I think it's worth the embarrassment. I also feel bad and hope that I'm not making them meshuga with all my updates and check ins. Life is busy for all of us.

Bottom line - I hereby am reigniting my determination to get clean and be"H will be zoiche to kick the destructive habits once and for all!!

Thank you all for being there,
Determinedtowin

Honesty is key. Getting out the "big black ugly" secrets makes them tangible and conquerable. Being accountable to others is very helpful too. Its chevra like you that get better b'ezras Hashem.

The key is genuinely wanting to stay clean. 
The enjoy the feeling of being clean.
And knowing what things make you fall.

To make a guess, sounds as if you are using your falls as a "stress release?"
If so find a healthier release.


Take things day by day.

Hello DtW. Welcome and welcome back!

A few of your things are just too "absolute" for me:


and


Flip, once and for all is a loooong time. It's too daunting to think about. When I start talking like that, it's usually just the same Yetzer Hora that loved the porn, reacting to the intense pain I felt afterwards, saying "never again!!!!" well, until the pain of not using the stuff once again tips the scales. Then I know where I'm going again.

Thank you singularity. You raise a very good point and I very much agree. The absolute thinking of "Never again!!" and "Staying clean forever!!" was coming from the intense reaction to run away from the pain of being stuck in the shameful mud. Although it is important to have goals, dreams, and aspirations, being too extreme can backfire and not last very long. 

B"H, the last couple weeks have been really good for me and I have been in constant contact with both my partner and sponsor. I am now in a more grounded and stable place without that same sense of panic and urgency. I can now keep the focus on the here and now, taking it day by day be"H.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here and doing much better. I have been keeping the contact with my sponsor and partner going and am feeling much more optimistic and in control. Moving forward day by day... I will keep checking in be"H.
Thanks all for the chizuk!

Big big oops!!!



I recently reconnected to GYE (again) and have renewed contact with GYE chaverim (again) and was gearing up to start a new thread to get back in the game. Well... turns out I did exactly that before and did not follow through with my last resolve to stay connected and keep posting.



Yes, life has been nuts for me over the better part of the last year (not even anything to do with covid) with lots of major changes in my life and I was not always able to access GYE for long enough intervals to stay involved. But still, no excuses! It has been way to long and I have suffered the consequences.



I am back yet again with a renewed resolve to hang in there with everyone else and pull through one day at a time. I really will be keeping you posted!

Welcome back!
What happened?
We are happy to always welcome the old timers the same as the newcomers (at least I am)
Keep us posted!

Thanks for the welcome back! 

Nothing specific happened, just a combination of life getting busier and loosing contact with my partner. A slip up here and there starting becoming more frequent.

I spend my days all alone at the computer in an empty office (covid...). You can imagine how lonely and boring it can get and having a boredom/lonely busting machine at my fingertips with no one else around for hours can be a challenge. I even switched to a whitelist, but still have to be careful not to get into craving mode because I can wind up spending hours looking for the pathetic scraps of fixes that can get through the filter.

B"H things settled down a lot for me now and have I started up with new partners. Here I am for my next day going forward!  

Welcome back!
Hatzlacha!

Welcome back. It should be with hatzlocha!

Amain!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  A lot of down time all alone at my computer. B"H my filter saved me but I was heading into trouble. 

I was thinking about the concept of habor raik ein bo mayim avul nechashim vakravim yesh bo (did I get that right?) and I realized that that's what happens to me. When there is that empty void the nechashim and akravim start to creep in. 

Today seems like it is going to be a busier day anyways, but if I do wind up with extra time I have a plan of how I am going to be filling it in a productive way and stay away from the slippery slopes. 

I also find playing the Jewish music stream on my computer helps "fill the void" and keeps me going.  A drop less quiet and lonely...

Checking in again. Doing good, but today is going to be a hard one. Lot's of down time and lots I want to get done. This has always been a hard combination for me. I wind up procrastinating and poking around online in places I shouldn't be.

Made up my mind for today not to go anywhere that I wouldn't if my wife was sitting here with me (besides GYE ). Will also be checking in with my partners and plan on getting out for some fresh air sometime in the middle of the day.

Any other good ideas? 

Thanks y'all!

DTW this is great! The fact that you know and face that today might be a hard day and making a plan, is awesome!
Just remember to update us in the end of the day about your success!