Hi all,
Fairly new here so not sure if this is the correct place for this but anyway here goes...so I'm single and I have been struggling with Porn/Masturbation for quite a few years now. I wanted to quit for a while and after a few failed attempts I'm finally at 18 days after finding GYE. One of the motivating factors that pushed me to quit was the fact that I am getting older and will hopefully soon start Shidduchim - I couldn't bear the thought of someone else, especially a partner/fiancé/wife, knowing about this disgusting addiction. It's one thing to let your brain play games and tell you its fine what you're doing but it's much harder to justify someone else in that situation.
I write for that exact reason: even though I'm early in on this journey, I can't help but worry about the future when I'll hopefully be clean for an extended period of time and able to control myself, having to face Shidduchim prospects. Obviously, this is something that one has to share with their partner/fiancé/wife but how? I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation how you went about this issue in Shidduchim? how did you explain the addiction? what was the reaction etc?
Any response is appreciated.
Kol Tuv. 

Welcome 1234557

I believe the best POA is to get out of the Lust realm first. 18 days, or even 90 white knuckling days, doesn't do much for many of us and you don't want to come into marriage with baggage - I can assure you

Once you have real recovery on the way, then we can discuss what to share with a prospective.

I just wrote the following for another dear person in your matzav. So I will share it with you too:
;
You will iyh have one lucky wife! So many guys are struggling with what you describe but so few realize the effect it will have on their marriage, or they don't have the courage to seek help. Here you will learn that intimacy and the acts you have seen on the computer having nothing in common. Maybe both have ejaculation but it is like 2 trains heading in opposite directions that pass each other somewhere along their very different routes. Keep posting and see all the things GYE has to offer. Iyh you will break free from this mess. Hatzlocha.

Welcome! You say that "obviously, this is something that one has to share with their partner/fiancé/wife but how?"  I"m not sure it is obvious. It may depend on the severity.  Search for Rabbi Twerski on this site.  He has something to say on this topic.

In any event, you are getting ahead of yourself.  First, work on recovery.   Then worry about if/when to tell your future kallah. 

Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.

I would not share this with a shidduch.

It is possible that the reason you use pornography is because you lack any other outlet for natural sexual desires.
In which case your use of pornography could well stop once married.
No point ruining what could be a great marriage by being overly harsh on yourself.
You probably have many great qualities which will make you a very good husband.

It might be possible that your use of pornography is caused by something else, which needs attention, and your use of pornography does not stop once married.
Firstly make sure you understand why you use pornography, then work on this to stay clean...is it stress, or loneliness, or just sheer addiction?
Or lack of sexual outlet?

It might even be different causes at different times.

Colin I read some of your posts and don't have a clear picture if you're married or not

Pls don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying it because we may have different views, rather simply from life experience that I likely have had different to you

If you're not married please do me a little favor and not repeatedly suggest the (tried and failed) idea to others that generally marriage can cure sexaholicsm - until proven it's a mute suggestion

If HALT works for you to gain true control of lust, feel free to suggest that, and it may inspire others too :-)

I don't think that viewing porn can be due to a lack of outlet for sexual desire (I believe there is no such a thing, normal people can live without it)
so I also don't think that marriage can make it any better.
I don't think you have a chiyuv to tell your bad habits in shidduchim, ask your rav.

Markz

I am not married.

I did not state that getting married will end looking at porn for all men.
But it can work for others, because they are aware of the loneliness of being single and desire for a soul mate, and are numbing those by using porn.
It can also be that normal and natural sexual urges have no outlet other than porn.

But for other men looking at porn has other causes, and is not connected to being single or married.

I am adding perspective.
I have noticed that there are a growing number of men on here who are late teens early twenties, and live in the Yeshiva world or a world of a lot of learning, and are single and about to go into a period of matchmaking.

These men are fretting about porn and masturbation, and want to end their non-Kosher behaviour, which is a sign of a desire to have kedusha and comply with halacha.
These men write on here as if they believe themselves to be awful and terrible sinners.
It seems they are getting depressed and so on, and putting themselves down.

But they are only doing what comes naturally.
It does not make it right them looking at porn, halachically or spiritually.
But it is hardly a surprise!

Some or many of these younger men seem to me to be putting hideous pressure on themselves and believing they are somehow ill or addicted to porn, yet are at an age where testosterone is flowing freely and their non religious and non Jewish peers are dating girls and have an outlet for their desires.

I hate to see these men who otherwise are likely fine scholars and decent people feel so bad about themselves unnecesarily.

As a married recovering guy, I would like to share that when I was still single, I also thought that all my problems were because I don't have a kosher outlet. The fact is, that what ever you see in porn, isn't in a normal healthy marriage. Most of the women there are doing it for an income, or they are forced to do so ,or they are just so drugged up that they are out of control over their own actions. (based on what I have read from ex porn stars) These films might look enjoyable for the viewer, but are very painful for the actors.  

Another fact is, that not only can single men feel lonely, but married men as well.
​A Jewish women isn't always Tihorah, and in that period of time, one may not have any relations (sex) with her or even touch her. Later when she becomes back Tihorah, she also has to be in the mood for.... you can't force her. So what will you do then? Go watch porn, cause now you don't have a kosher outlet?

We men, and for sure those who view porn, might think that a women will do everything, anytime to please him . Some men still need to get married in order to believe that porn has nothing to do with real life.

I would like to finish with a statement, that porn and masturbation has nothing to do with ones need or inner desire to ejaculate. There are plenty of people who have a partner or happily married, and still masturbate or view porn, while they have an outlet.

There is nothing better than one living a life free from lust. Life has much more to offer then those short moment pleasures, which come later with a feeling of regret and emptiness.

Happy chanukah 

ColinColin wrote on 14 Dec 2017 01:20:

I'm sure you've read the SA book - this is from the 1st story pg 18

"After the divorce I had gone to a psychoanalyst, only to be reassured that my new career with prostitutes was merely relieving a natural urge. Boy, did I want to hear that!"

Markz and doingtshuva

I am speaking from my experience, which relates to me and others like me.
You are speaking from your's.
There is no "one-size fits all" approach in this.

Some of what compels me to look at porn is loneliness.
And that can be solved by being in a happy relationship, the ability to have that special someone to bounce ideas off and explain one's feelings too.
(Of course one is advised to do this with Hashem on a daily basis.)

Not all relationships are happy, and they have ups and downs.
During the downs the urge to look at porn could happen, as an easy option, rather than the difficult one which is to work on the relationship.

I am merely offering the idea that a young man will have a certain amount of testosterone flying round his system, and that if he thinks he is somehow unworthy of marriage then this could be a terrible missed opportunity.
He of course should work on not using porn, and the reasons behind it.

But it hurts me to read so many stories from men on here who otherwise appear to be solid bucherim, and are heaping upon themselves awful guilt for something which may in part be being caused by their lack of being in a healthy relationship.
So they then delay entering into one, and worsen their porn use and their guilt on so on.

I am not for one moment advocating that they should use their wives an an "outlet" or treat them as anything less than a human being.

Hanukah Sameach

Why isn't it possible to have a healthy relationship without being married? Never knew there was a requirement for a Bucher to be lonely.
BTW, alot of people can attest to being lonely while being Married.
There is a saying, "Never say Never", However I believe that Marriage has NEVER cured anyone of any ailments, if anything it only exacerbates the proplens.
I wish tou much Hatzlocha, and hope you find your Zivug B'koruv.

ColinColin wrote on 14 Dec 2017 16:30:

Brother you say "I am speaking from my experience". 
I'm not clear what your mean - you were married and had such a long term positive experience? I may be mistaken, but my impression is that you have not been married, and in that case can that be considered "my experience" if it's only a hopeful assumption

On a different note. Unmarried guys beating themselves up on gye seems to concern you. Let's try understand why they do that, but they are not unbridled animals needing sex regularly, and someone that does has a problem - don't you think? 

Thank you lionking

Markz.

I was not married before.
But I have seen friends flourish with marriage to good Kosher women and build decent warm households.

I am convinced that the drive for sex is a core drive of healthy adult humans, certainly once puberty has been reached.
This is intetwined with the core drive for a partner.

Friendships can be good, but nothing can replicate the place that a spouse has in one's life.

So yes, I am concerned that unmarried men here are denying themselves the opportunity of a shidduch when in reality these men should go ahead and at least meet a potential kallah to see if they are suitable.

That these men may be addicted to porn, or heavy porn users, is not enough reason for them to avoid the shidduch process.
They can work on stopping porn use anyway, otherwise they could be waiting a few months for a shidduch or a few years for a shidduch, how can they know?
Then they may find another reason to delay the shidduch etc i.e.e need to lose weight, need to get a promotion at work need to do this need to do that etc etc.

But that's just my opinion.

That's all I have to write on the matter.

Thank you lionking

Markz.

I was not married before.
But I have seen friends flourish with marriage to good Kosher women and build decent warm households.

I am convinced that the drive for sex is a core drive of healthy adult humans once puberty has been reached.
This is intertwined with the core drive for a partner.

Friendships can be good, but nothing can replicate the place that a spouse has in one's life.

So yes, I am concerned that unmarried men here are denying themselves the opportunity of a shidduch when in reality these men should go ahead and at least meet a potential kallah to see if they are suitable.
It is not good to be too hard on oneself.
It can too easily lead to depression.
Mussar is essential, but excessive chastisement is not productive nor Yiddishkeit.
There has to be positive encouragement in life, not just reprimanding people..either by oneself or from someone else.

That these men may be addicted to porn, or regular porn users, is not enough reason for them to avoid the shidduch process, in my opinion.
If all they do all day long is watch porn and never leave the house then they are extreme cases and need specialist care and should avoid finding a shidduch.

But if they otherwise live a productive life, then they should work on stopping porn use, and understand why they use porn, but go ahead and try to find a shidduch.
Otherwise they could be waiting a few months for a shidduch or a few years for a shidduch, how can they know?
Then they may find another reason to delay the shidduch   i.e. need to lose weight, need to get a promotion at work, need to do this need to do that etc. etc. and before they know it they are in their 60's and finding a shidduch is tricky.

I do not plan to write more about this, I have explained my position on this subject.