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TOPIC: Lovesick 2411 Views

Lovesick 06 Dec 2017 23:46 #323410

shulgoer76
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[Part of me doesn't want to post this, as part of my problem is this stupid computer and I am trying to extricate its claws from me, so more time in front of this is not what I want, but I've been told to post my questions and thoughts here, so here it goes:]
Dov's great pieces on lovesick have me wondering. The only connection I have in my 50+ years to anything like lovesick was when I was in the midst of a flaming affair, 6+ years ago (my pulse is quickening even now). Back then that's how I was: I couldn't think of anything else, I planned my day around it, etc. It was actually very out of character for me. I'm a terrible liar, I like routine, etc. I'm supposed to take that type of obsession and use it for my relationship with the RBSO? I hear his point that that's why we have it; we should use it for the good. But the whole taam of it for me brings me back to a bad place. Besides, one reason I could get lovesick for her was that it was a FANTASY; there was no baggage, no history, etc. But with the RBSO (and my wife) there's TONS of baggage, which seems to interfere with the overpowering headiness of anything like lovesick. Can someone help me with this?

Re: Lovesick 07 Dec 2017 00:06 #323413

Markz
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shulgoer76 wrote on 10 Oct 2016 00:00:

Hi. Here's my story b'kitzur. I found my father's stash of porn when I was probably 10 or so. That was 40 years ago. Since then I have taken care of myself at least weekly. More before I got married, less after, but still, mostly of late when I am bored. My wife was very against porn, so we put on a filter right away, but I have always found a way around. I hit bottom with an affair with an old flame six years ago (we never went all the way, but we did a lot). B"H, my family and I were in the process of moving (refuah l'kodemes l'maka) and we did and that lady is out of my life. But it wasn't until I went to Call of the Shofar that I saw myself as anything but a victim of my circumstances. I found that I am powerful and I am important and I really want a closer relationship with HKBH. As He is Real she'bi'Real, fantasies just pull me away from Him and everything that I really value. I am not a slave; I can choose.
I haven't taken care of myself since R"C Elul and had a very powerful R"H. I am currently flying high, and I am trying to put as many things in place while I'm up here as I can, before the inevitable slump. I always thought the idea of a sponsor is a great one (I have an old friend in AA). Someone to call who knows your struggles and is not judgmental. I also have to recommend Enlighten Your Eyes, a tiny sefer on shmiras einayim - it is so inspirational!

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Re: Lovesick 08 Dec 2017 17:55 #323502

heemircha OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 35 Karma: 6	I am not sure I understand what you mean when you say there is a ton of baggage between you and Hashem?

Re: Lovesick 08 Dec 2017 19:30 #323507

shulgoer76 OFFLINE Fresh Boarder Posts: 6 Karma: 0	No just regular stuff like, why did He give me the spouse He did and the nisyonos He did, etc. I understand it all b'seichel, but in the lev, it still hurts sometimes. I guess the tons is really between my wife and I, which, as I get healthier, is slowly being seen as just part of "growing up."

Re: Lovesick 09 Dec 2017 21:11 #323511

mikestrucking
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I am a good person who is unfortunately sick
Posts: 322
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Hi there!!
Sorry for this. I feel licensed to say life's not easy. I'm now in SA and they teach that we can accept that everything that Hashem does is for the good. In order for an addict to live any type of life they must believe in a loving caring "Higher Power" (step 2). I am lucky to be an addict because it forced me to find the Riboinoi Shel Oilam in such a light. Now I can look back and say everything is for the best and anything which disturbed me in the past the fact that it disturbed me is my fault.
That's my experience. If it's irrelevant to you ask the mods to delete it I won't be offended.
Best of luck!!
Hashem loves you more than you can imagine!!!

Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives.

Warning: Spoiler!

Re: Lovesick 13 Dec 2017 01:23 #323644

colincolin
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Makes sense to me.
You have stated it clearly.

Your affair was a fantasy...you did not need to financially support the woman or hear all her problems or live with her day-to-day and discuss household bills and how much chicken to buy and the state of the driveway.
You only had to deal with romance and sex.
It was a quick fix, a way to feel great for a short amount of time, to enter into a psychological zone where all is hearts and flowers.

But this is not real life.
It was a stress relief and a physical attraction, not deep love.
It was a way to escape from the realities of life.

It is why some people get really absorbed by video games or roleplaying games and dressing up as super heroes.
There is a whole industry based on romantic films, and music and novels.
It is escapism.

It becomes obsession because when you think about the affair, it temporarily removes the stress and pain of what your daily life can be.
So it is addictive, an addictive "opioid."
A heady mix of adrenaline and dopamine and day dreaming.

But it does not solve your real life problems nor does it build something constructive in the way real love does.

Last Edit: 13 Dec 2017 01:29 by colincolin.

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