Hi,

Im a sexaddict. In recovery bh. Had very good 10month that recently came to an abrupt end. Of course for nothing. I want to write about a few points that led to this fall. And about what ill try to do about it with gds help. Ive been feeling very restless in the past two weeks. Yes i felt i will fall. But with the help of my HP it was averted. I really have seen how things are much better than in all my years before. How my thinking changed. How I did say no many times. But today i didnt. What made me restless im not sure. I deal with fears, money issues and social issues. The last two really get to me sometimes. The money even more. Two weeks ago i came across a tv series(i have a filtered smartfone, with whitelist but am able to watch tv series through an app)where the subject is a woman that instantly turned me on. It would be that kind of woman that id seek in pornmovies. I watched, touched myself but didnt masterbate. Struggled than let it go for a few days. It felt just like in pornmovie-masterbation days. And this made me restless. I spoke to ppl about it. And as i wrote before: gd has cought me way before anything happend. But this restless feeling didnt leave me. And then it came to this fall. From my past i know that its this first "drink" that puts me in a spiral. And that is exactly what i dont want. The spiral. So what am i going to do? First of all the fall happend in my office. Since i had a whitelist on my smartfone(which is with me, and i have no computer at home)i felt somewhat safe eventhough my officecomputer was not filtered. My mistake. So i will spend the 125$ that gentech costs and let tag install it on my officecomputer. Thats my first step. My next is to speak to my therapist about it. Bh im in groups and i speak to ppl but i believe im not behind it as i should. in yiddish we would say: ich lieg nisht genig in dem. There is more to do of course: my learning is lacking and it disturbs me alot. My davening lacked but bh its better than it ever was in my life before. I also believe that this fall is my opportunity to rise higher. With hashems help i will take it!!!

Thanks for listening

I have to say that your post resonates deeply within me as my eleven month streak abruptly came to an end last night. I guess its hashems way of telling me " Al taamin beatzmecha ad yom moso". I'm in medical school and as you can imagine its rigorous beyond imagination, Especially now during final exam season! Sleepless nights for weeks on end. Add that together with trying to lead a jewish life: davening, Shabbos, Yom Tov, Wife and kids it almost becomes impossible. The last week or so has been extremely stressful for me both in school and at home that i found myself slipping and my usual cries to hashem of relinquishing my lust to him didn't seem to be working well. I think the final straw for me was in regards to my wife. We only were together once recently when she was permitted. But for the rest of that cycle she wasn't in the mood due to hormonal reasons. Motzai shabbos she told me that shes OK with getting together Sunday night. However when Sunday night came i took a look at the calendar and realized to my horror that we weren't permitted any more. I then had an extreme moment of weakness and downloaded inappropriate content onto my phone through remote logging into unfiltered work computer. I was up for a good portion of the night watching porn; my wife is used to me waking up at crazy hours due to school related work. I feel so down now; i feel like i gave everything up for a few minutes of senseless pleasure. I really hope hashem gives me the power to leave it at this and not to have this as a catalyst for me to spiral back down into full porn addiction. Hashem please Help Us!!!!!!

Sorry to hear about the fall but its a breath of fresh air to see how someone in recovery deals with a fall. A full plan of action and a healthy attitude. May Hashem assist you in breaking completely free.

Thanks for your honesty. I had a slip after 5 months and B"H I got right back to my program and have stayed sober.

I would suggest that it's the thought that proceeds the 1st drink that is the issue. That's the thought that says it's okay for me to take a drink. 

serenity wrote on 28 Nov 2017 01:24:

Serenty - a virtual lechaim to you on your gr8 program!

but don't take a real drink...
Is woodford allowed

serenity wrote on 28 Nov 2017 01:24:

Oh ya. I'd even go one step further.
For many of us, we know if we indulge even in a legitimate interest
such as news reports on certain sites, it could lead to thoughts which in turn lead to inappropriate actions. It pays to give up on certain interests, hobbies etc. if past experience has proven them to be dangerous.

yiraishamaim wrote on 28 Nov 2017 02:33:

Totally agree! That's what I am focusing now on. I learned the hard way that I need to give up a lot of so called "clean" activities since that ends up leading to acting out. I think it is called escapism. I do need to wind down and sometimes just relax. I allow myself to browse sites, apps, etc... However my barometer if it is OK is, if it doesn't contain anything that I wouldn't mind my kids seeing. Not sure if this would work for everyone.
Hatzlocha Rabba