Hello everyone
I have intended to do this for ages, but the length of what I need to communicate put me off. Now I have decided to seize the opportunity and go for it.
Allow me to start with a brief bio. I am a married man in my 30's, with several children bli ayin hora. I come from a family of several generations of Rabonim; my father is a relatively well known Talmid Chochom. I went through the regular Yeshiva system, even went to Kollel for a bit. I am relatively busy within my community. I have a decent job- B'H parnosa is fine. On the surface all appears just fine. But under the surface....
I also have a secret. I have been battling a certain sexual issue for over 20 years (since mid puberty, I guess). As I say below I am being cautious and avoiding triggers, but suffice to say although I have done plenty of masturbation and porn, and generally am lax with Shmiras Anayim, this is a separate (although related) issue/fetish. Very often this fetish has led for me to sexual release but not always.
With the availability of the internet over the last ten years or so, what was once confined to the privacy of my bedroom has now exploded to new levels. I am anxious to avoid mentioning anything that would trigger others, but suffice to say I have acted out the extent of my issue as far as one could take it, with physical encounters.
To be honest, I really would like to detail what I have done, so that I can get an appropriate response from others on here. I have belonged to websites/forums for those involved in my issue, and even some of the nonJews on there are similarly struggling to quit. The worrying thing for me is that many have told me that it is something hardwired within some people, and you can never really quit it.
My own experience backs this up. I have (tried to) quit cold turkey many, many times. This is an expensive fetish to have. I have burned a lot of money on it, (probably thousands over the last 15 years) and even more, burned time. I have created profiles on many different websites, spent hours weekly or even sometimes daily on them, built up a wide selection of "friends", only to delete my profile and lose all that hard work. I stay up very late in chatrooms and forums, and when I had the access on my mobile, would check for messages 5-10 times a day.
The resolve to quit lasts only so long before it all starts off again.
My issue has caused me to lie repeatedly to my wife. I invent elaborate excuses for why I am going out at random hours of the evening. I feel like a hypocrite leading the Omud in Shul or going to Shiurim. When we have presentations in Shul or school about the dangers of the internet, I blanch when I hear friends expressing shock at these things knowing how far I have personally gone. I am careful about sexual health, but sometimes after an encounter the guilt and anxiety combines to make my life a wreck for days on end convinced that I might have got sick from it. I have spent money on numerous tests to confirm that I am healthy (for clarification, the activities I indulge in are not that risky,I am trying to say it is more of an OCD and stress than a genuine concern). Regrettably this has also affected things at home. I am also occasionally anxious that somehow my secret will come out one day (nowadays it seems scandals are exposed easily over the internet) and will crush my wife and family. The issue was largely under control before I got engaged - of course I kept it quiet because no-one else in the wrold knew, and I would never get a shidduch if it got out! My Yetzer Hatov often tells me "imagine quitting and having a clear conscience, with no anxieties or guilty feelings"
Yet, conversely, when I have quit, that clear conscience and Menuchas Hanefesh doesnt come, and instead I am plagued with feelings of regret and second thoughts. As I wrote above, I often then build new profiles and engage in encounters again eventually (not immediately, but familiar pattern of the Yetzer Hora: Hayom omer lo asey kach etc)
So why am I writing this today?
Well, for starters, I acted out several times in quite a bad way. Near the end of the encounter, I couldn't even masturbate, but something inside me made me do it, I think to get that clarity and regret that often follows. I took the sudden decision to delete all my profiles (again) ... but this time to also seek support from others who may be able to help advise a more long term solution.
I have only really discussed this ever with one good friend and the lack of support makes what is already a difficult battle even more challenging to cope with alone.
Instead of taking advice from the forums I used to frequent, which advise a gloomy prediction that It's impossible to change who you are, I now want to know what this forum feels. Is there indeed a solution to every fetish? (I do feel there are other psychological issues involved a bit, but I would assess it as mostly a sexual desire.) Does the "tavlin" of Torah always work for every Taavoh?
Sorry if this is incoherent - I have lots of thoughts swirling around in my head.
NB
I should add perhaps a relevant thought that just occurred to me. My wife (although attractive) is very traditional and limited in sexual matters. She was completely ignorant of all knowledge until her Kallah lessons. I find that sex with her is often unfulfilling. It has to be always done exactly as she was taught; in the dark, completely nude. To make matters worse she never orgasms or gets even close. There is a vast disconnect between my knowledge and experiences and hers. I have tried encouraging her but with limited success. I wonder now how this affects my issues.
Warning: Spoiler!