i'm thinking of writing a letter. how about that?

thatslife wrote on 13 Feb 2017 15:06:

Just sign it "thatslife"

Singularity wrote on 13 Feb 2017 15:27:

Sing he wants your autograph on the letter
What do you charge

thatslife wrote on 13 Feb 2017 15:03:

Well then it's time to open up, bro. If you only feel comfortable telling your dad, then I would suggest not saying it all. Be general and ask him if he knows of someone that can help you.

From the way you write about the relationship you have with your father it seems ok to share the situation with him. You can bring up the subject by talking about your "friend" who confided in you. Ask him advice how to direct your friend or who would be a good person for your friend to speak to. Chances are your father will realize you are talking about yourself. If he is comfortable dealing with the issue himself, he will direct the conversation in a way that will make you feel comfortable opening up to him. If not, he will "play the game" and either give advice or do some homework how he should advise your friend. Even if your father doesn't see through the "friend" shtik, this conversation will make it much easier for you to open up to him a day or two later.

You have to be thankful that you are considering sharing with your father. Many wish they could even just entertain such a thought.

Let's begin putting an end to your suffering. Open up and get it over with. However uncomfortable it will be for some time, the long term menuchas hanefesh is worth it.

Disclaimer: Everything I wrote is based how I understand from what you wrote that you have a healthy open relationship with your father.       Hatzlocha!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 14 Feb 2017 01:06:

Do you have personal experience with this? Are you a qualified professional? If the answer is no to both then you're playing a very risky game giving advice on something you don't know about.

Shlomo, I respect and appreciate your concerns, Yes, I do have experience with this.  I have bli ayin hora been a successful chinuch person for the last 25 years and besides my own hands on experience, i have taken many courses in the psychology field about issues pertaining to children and bochurim including this issue. I have also had many discussions with quite a few Gedolei Yisroel in Eretz Yisroel and the US regarding this matter as well. BH I have had the opportunity to set boys straight in this challenging area - something that had not been done for me. Unfortunately I can personally attest to the awesome damage which can be the outcome of not bringing this out in the open and getting the proper help. 

Shlomo24 wrote on 14 Feb 2017 04:23:


I don't think it's a risky game. I think he has an obligation of not standing by and watching his brother's blood be spilled.

If I could, I would scream out loud and beg for this kid to open up to his father.

What is it that you're so worried about? For so many people on the forum even when it was disclosed in a terrible way, it still was better in the long run.

Also, It's interesting that HHM has so much experience. Many others here (myself included) are in fields that at least peripherally deal with these things and are probably qualified to give advice on this.

But truth be told, that doesn't mean that anyone to whom the advice doesn't resonate should listen to it. My Rebbi used to tell us how he had a close relationship to certain gedolim and they would always tell him not to bring them his questions about his talmidim to them. Rather, he should answer it because he knows them better.

So Shlomo, if you think the advice is bad then even if he is qualified you should definitely speak up.

I don't think the advice is bad. I thought it was pretty clever. I asked the question because this is an anonymous forum, I wanted to confirm that HHM knew what he was talking about. I'm happy he is involved in chinuch and has spoken about this with others. 
What am I worried about? My own experience was terrible. My life was hell after I told my parents. My father restricted everything and I was so ashamed of myself. He would always ask me about any number that I called that he wasn't aware of. A lot of dysfunctional behavior happened. And I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Additionally, the white book warns about admission to others, we need to be careful in what we say and what we don't say. A father is much more emotionally attached then a therapist or a Rebbi is. Too much emotion is not a good thing is this area. 
Even with Rebbeim it's tricky. I currently don't have a relationship with a Rebbi of mine. He's a really nice man, but when I opened up to him about my struggles, he reacted in a way that was not very healthy. I'm not going to go into details. In fact, I had to speak to my Rosh Yeshiva about it afterwards and I got probably some of the worst advice ever. My Rosh Yeshiva, a VERY prominent person in the yeshiva world, told me that "If you go to therapy once a month you won't have sex with guys." Imagine if I had taken his advice?! I knew better than to listen to him, I was in SA at the time. 

I think I validated my concerns.

Shlomo24 wrote on 14 Feb 2017 05:47:

That's scary. Thanks for the share.

We must listen to our chachamim. Even if they tell us right is left.

But not when they tell us life is death.

Shlomo24 wrote on 14 Feb 2017 05:47:

To add to Shlomo's words;

Lust abounds in a troubled life
Disclosure is intended for fixing life
Parents are sometimes part of the trouble

When a kid grows up with a father like shlomo has, that is breeding grounds for acting out. He's part of the problem. 
How can he be part of the solution?

Shlomo24 wrote on 14 Feb 2017 05:47:


Wow. Now I understand why you seemed so concerned about it. You don't have to validate your concerns; if that's the way you feel, I would still respect it. But certainly, what you laid out certainly is a distressing story and I can totally understand why you wants to proceed with so much caution and I respect that.

Shlomo, sorry to hear about your rough experiences. Unfortunately what you describe is not so uncommon.Fathers who themselves suffered with these issues (and therefore attempt to atone through their children), or fathers who do not have the greatest relationship with their sons many times mishandle the disclosure and can actually exacerbate the situation. The advice given above was clearly intended for the writer who mentioned a few times his being very close with his father. And yes, even well intentioned fathers who may lack a drop of sechel may mess up a bit, but those situations usually rectify themselves quickly because advice is usually sought early on. The suggestion to begin by talking about a "friend" was to test the waters and see how emotional/panicky his father gets about this subject. Earlier on this thread i suggested he open to a rebbi/mashgiach/etc but he stressed he is closest with his father.  

Our opinions are all developed by personal experience. Having gone through years of indescribable torment due to not being able to open up to anyone, the analogy of "lo sa'amod al dam rei'acha" rings very true. I cannot bear to see young vibrant men with so much potential being destroyed by this challenge when help is available. Of course, feeling so strongly about the issue can blind me, so i am extremely careful before sharing my opinion with others. Hatzlocha to all!

I think we've covered this topic very well with a lot of class from HaShem Help Me and Shlomo24, so now the question is- are you going to tell?

Obviously keep in mind that even in the best father son relationship, no one is running to tell their father about their private areas. It's just embarrassing, so even if telling is the super right thing to do, it still takes some sort of "jumping in to the ice water" to get it started.

thanks all of you i'm still amazed at the amazing people on gye. but i still don't understand why i can't go and tell my father straight out. of course without all the gory details. but what would be the problem?