Hey Everyone and Happy Chanuka!

I havent posted since mid to late august. and no its not because I succeeded in going clean without gye but rather because I fell into a slump again and didnt have the koach to do it all over again. I was at something like 50 days for the first time in sooo long. I had written back then how I had made a deal with a local rav, kind of like a taphsic method, I had given him a thousand dollars and would work it off week by week. That was amazing but when I left town to go back to yeshiva he didnt want to remain responsible for all the cash so he gave it back to me and told me to keep doing it on my own. Well here I am Ive payed out 300 and I still owe another $400  if not more and I feel sick about it. I cant afford that and its so painful for me to be spending my families money on knas.
   Then something very interesting happened, I realized I was an alcoholic as well, and while that may sound devastating the truth is that to act on that was easier for me than acting on my sexual issues because its less embarrasing, I guess. So I joined a.a and have been going to meetings for 3 weeks tomorrow and the most amazing thing happened, the fog started to clear and i was starting to see myself as who I truly am. I was accepting my true self. For all these years Ive been a fake, a fraud. Ive been in a shell and been constantly doing this teshuva game when it wasnt for real. Now I have a sponsor and Im starting to work the 12 steps. Addiction is so much more then just acting out and sinning, addiction stems much deeper then that. It comes from deep down and I finally feel a tremendous peace just accepting me for who I am. Being open to real change and not just feeding my ego but feeding my soul. You see all these addictions share some of the basic things in common and therefore the alcoholic can relate to the substance user and the sex addict etc... and the recovery is similiar as well. work the steps be real about it and realize we cant do this on our own. (it was shocking how warm and comforatable the group at aa made me feel. I want to get up every morning 6 am just to get to my next meeting)  Dont get me wrong everyday has its ups its downs but I can truly say Ive found the direction I want to go in. I have so much I want to share but I dont have the time this moment. 

So please anyone reading this post. If youve fallen and keep falling and cant quite get longer then a couple months and this vicious cycle recurs, please join a group you will be surprised how loving and non judgmental everyone is. They all relate and nobody is perfect (in there they know that but step outside and the world doesnt) 

Happy Chanuka

Wow!

A ray of light in the darkness of the night!!!!!!

Happy Chanuka - For real!!

I can relate to your story. I started in AA and later joined SA. I'm in both groups now. I couldn't stay sober in SA if I was drinking alcohol.  

Wow. Powerful. I'm in SA and I recently joined AA. I know that alcohol brings me to lust, even from just one beer or one shot. KUTGW!

HI. 
 I just want to clarify when u say you can't remain sober without SA do you mean that AA won't do it for you? I guess just starting out I'm getting some confusing messages I'm being told that the alcohol is just a symptom of my disease in which case acting out is also just a symptom. Every time I can't handle certain emotions I look for an escape whether it be alcohol or inappropriate material etc.. if that's the case 12 steps is the answer right? Changing my character at the core. Healing the illness at the core not at the symptom level. If what I said makes sense why does it matter which 12 step program I take? 

Just wondering

Exactly, I don't believe that AA will keep me sexually sober, as much as I would like it to because I enjoy AA meetings much more. SA clearly didn't keep me sober from alcohol. I also believe that they are different manifestations of the same disease and that the 12-steps are a great medicine. However, the nature of alcoholism and lust addiction are very different. I need to share with people about my sexual behaviors and lust and insanity. Which is why I go to SA meetings. There are specific nuances about both diseases. I also think that it's very relative, for some people going to AA might help with their sexual acting out, for others maybe not. I have personally heard people say both ways. For me, I believe that I need my SA program and I need the AA fellowship. Case in point, I went into a gas station store yesterday to buy a non-alcoholic beverage. When I walked in I saw the beer section and I thought, "Hey, maybe I should buy a beer?" The insanity about that thought is obvious. But I texted an AA member and brought it out to light. An SA member doesn't necessarily have that same experience and he might not be able to relate to it in the way I feel it. Another example is when I told a friend that I drove drunk, he was like "What! Why would you do that?" For him it was so obvious that you just don't drive drunk, but for me, once I have a drink in my system I lose the ability to make rational decisions and I can no longer choose not to drive drunk.