My wife is clearly aware of my struggles and as I mentioned before, my wife hasn't felt like going to the mikvah for most of the 11 years we've been married.

I'm at the point of begging. Since I am behaving, obviously my goal is to have a more meaningful relationship with my wife, but it makes the 90 days even harder.

I know this might sound like a stupid question, my wife wants to know if the 90 days count if you have relations with your wife? 

AllForHashem wrote on 05 Dec 2016 04:16:

Reb yid, you need couples therapy. Badly. The way you describe your relationship with your wife makes it sound incredibly unhealthy. I would also act out if my wife held sex from me. I don't even know if I would remain married, to be honest.

The answer to your question? I'm pretty sure it still counts but sometimes people "use" there wives for sex so it might require some thought.

AllForHashem wrote on 05 Dec 2016 04:16:

Yes it still counts.

At the risk of getting stoned, it counts even if one has sex with his girlfriend - if she is his partner.

However, 90 days is the least of your concerns right now. B'hatzlachah on your marriage.

Shlomo24 wrote on 05 Dec 2016 04:58:

Shlomo - the part I highlighted - is it really true?
I know waiting for Mikva night for a few or 11 years can be more than frustrating, but you're not acting out now - with no wife

Why should it be an absolute fact that you will act out

What would happen if after a few years, the wife needs a year or 2 of no intimacy because she then she revisits childhood trauma?
I don't wish it on you, but I know about such cases

You seem to be a smart and kind guy and would give her all the support in the world - I think

The part you wrote about "I don't even know if I would remain married, to be honest." that one I understand

I meant that let's say I was just a regular dude, not an addict in recovery, and my wife deliberately held sex from me. I would watch porn or masturbate or something.

You're a Cool Dude 




                   

                        
                                    
                                   
                          
   

I wrote that only because I love you, Mark.

WOW! Real talent there

My wife found porn history on the computer around 8 months into the marriage and about a month or so before my first daughter was born.

It has just been push and pull, and I got stressed and food and porn felt good and it was just around and around for my entire adult life.

We'll see.

AllForHashem wrote on 07 Dec 2016 05:23:

I never understand this.

ctrl+h - go to your browsing history and delete it. What gives? Also clear cookies. I mean, why exacerbate the issue? You fell. Does your wife need to see it?

If you had some accountability software, then it makes more sense.

Food vs. porn? I would go with food. But they have an overeaters anonymous as well, y'know.

Singularity wrote on 07 Dec 2016 09:30:

Maybe he forgot? I've never seen someone advocate doing that before on this site. Singularity, I think you're taking things out of proportion. This man has serious issues with him and his wife. That's probably priority number 1.

Of course that's priority #1! I'm just addressing a side point :p
I don't advocate it... I wish I never had to do it. But if I keep it up... I'm not looking for dialogue, it would wreck my marriage. It's scary.

It's also completely not relevant to discussion above. This was ten years ago.