Hi Guys

I've been struggling with porn addiction forever, I've been on and off this site. I've been to SA, was there when I was single. Never was able to gain sobriety.

I got married two years ago, have a child. Found it really hard to stop.

Wife caught me last night. She said she doesn't even want to look at me.

I'm out of words, because I'm physically out of breath. I'm at my rock bottom I guess and I'm really scared. I'm scared of losing everything.

I'm out of words

Being stuck with the struggle is not something we want to live with

Having the wife upset in such a situation is not something we can live with

net12 wrote on 19 Sep 2016 15:07:


Hi,
So sorry to hear; when your wife catches you it's usually hell. It would help to have a Rav or professional to help you navigate this with your wife now. Do you have anyone?

Also, she may rage for a while- which is pretty normal. Show a willingness to hear how hurt she is and if you let her know that you're really willing to work to fix this, you'll probably be ok.

Welcome,
I am so sorry to hear about your predicament. I agree with orkingguy that you should try to talk it out with your wife and try to make it better

I was there.  It's hell.  There is no other way to describe it.  Do you have a family rav or rebbi or someone you and your wife can speak to?  It can help.  Either way, it is a tough road. 

Your wife will need someone to talk to.  Try and get help from a third party that you trust.  It sounds like she is not speaking to you at the moment.  Hopefully, that will change.  You will have to have some long heart wrenching discussions.

I don't remember what your specific issues are, but on the one hand you have to be honest, on the other hand, being too honest too soon can also be a mistake.  (I recently spoke to someone who told his wife he had sex with a prostitute.  He may have been able to divulge that at some point, but I think it was a mistake to tell it right away.) 

It takes a long time for women to come to terms with what happened, to trust again, to forgive.  Be patient.  Give it time.  It goes without saying, do what you need to do to clean up your act.  Your wife needs to see/feel that you are changing.

I just heard the Rabbi Shafier shmooze on this topic "when I caught my husband" (or something like that).  The stuff doesn't resonate with me, but lots of people like it.  Maybe it can help.

Some people come out of it with a better relationship in the long run, and also gain sobriety.  I daven that you are one of those.

Keep us posted.

I feel for you. I have also been there. In the moment there seems no way out but things will get better. Certainly not right away but if you do yours it will. I look  back in hindsight and see it was a blessing. I Daven you should feel that way too IMH. First of all you can try calling the hotline when u get a chance. It was Bh the first thing I did and the person on the other end was helpful. It is hard but u must try to feel ur wife's  position. She has a right to hurt even when to us addicts it feels like no big deal. Second a Rav who both of you trust is key as was already posted. It's hard but you need to let go of your pride and reach out. believe me most if not all rabonim deal with this all the time. Your wife needs to hear your side from someone with knowledge over how we think and why. It prob won't help right away but it can begin the healing process. 

I'm really sorry for you! It's not easy and will take a lot of time and hard work. That being said the sky is the limit to how high you and your wife can reach.
I'm still currently going thru the process after being caught by my wife and it's been a roller coaster ride. But where I am now is heads and shoulders above where I've ever been in my life in all aspects of yiddishkeit and relationship..
Hatzlacha rabba and we're behind you all the way