I very much relate to what you're going through and feel for you. For me the most frustrating thing was feeling hopeless that anything can really change.
I would feel SO dejected when I worked so hard at something and then felt that my wife would knock me right back to square one with words that made me feel like a total failure.
I'm going to repost something i wrote on a different thread in the baalei batim section, (I think the topic is "OK I've finally hit rock bottom" if you want to see the whole thread) maybe it can provide some level of chizuk, because my wife and I are in a much better place now BH:
"neshamaincharge" post=258414 date=1435802390 catid=19
Boy can I relate to your situation! I could've written the exact same post when I started here at GYE.
My main concern was how I can get my wife to trust me again. Of course I knew that I had to stay clean, but what was more important to me was to get my wife's trust back.
I began to turn the corner when (based on advice i received on this forum) I made a decision. I was getting out of show business. I quit putting effort into showing that I was trustworthy. Instead, I focused my effort on BEING trustworthy.
For some people that might be just semantics, but for me it was (still is) a big deal. I used to spend so much energy on whether or not she trusted me, resented her when she didn't fully trust me when I feel I'd "earned" it back already, hiding anything I might've done because I thought it would ruin any trust I had built up already (and that was most important to me), etc.
I started (believe me, this didn't happen overnight, and I'm still growing) to actually accept and take responsibility for my actions and the consequences that come along with it. I'm not just talking about what I said to her, I'm talking about my own mindset first.
In the past, because I was so ashamed of my poor choices, I wanted to give quick lip service to the fact that I was wrong, I was sorry, I felt horrible and will never do it again. Then I wanted to move on and forget about it. "Be positive!" I would get so upset at her if she would ever bring up that she felt anxious or nervous or felt any difficulty trusting. I would either resent her or shut down emotionally, if she had any hesitation with desiring intimacy with me.
No, I don't allow myself to wallow in guilt over the past. However I do allow her to share her feelings- her pain, her anxiety, her feelings or hurt and betrayal, her feeling used and violated (gulp- those kind of words always used to send me over the edge). I try to the best of my ability to connect with those feelings, and feel for a minute what it might feel like for her. To recognize that I will never be able to fully comprehend what she goes through.
All of the systems that you put into place will help, but you need to be in a place where you trust yourself before you can even think of her beginning to trust. She wants desperately to trust her husband. She doesn't want to ask you if you've been "behaving".
Tell her (& yourself!) over and over and over again that you don't expect her trust at this point. She doesn't have to trust your words, because your actions will do the talking.
Love her. Accept her. Appreciate her. Be in awe and wonder at how she has, and continues to give to you with love. Take responsibility for your actions and their results.
Be real with her. Quit hiding. This was more difficult for me than "staying clean". Remember how your wife was more upset with the hiding and lying? My wife said the same thing. Many times. I didn't believe her! Then gibbor120 told me that many wives around here say the same thing. OK, so it might be true. (Maybe they've been reading our forum and conspiring to make up this "more hurt with the lying and hiding stuff"
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Read some Dov quotes. Express your gratitude for hashem's goodness constantly. Read some more Dov quotes- especially the married section.
You know how they say that a watched pot never boils? It's a similar idea. Her trust will come back sooner if you aren't focused on it.
You have a fantastic life ahead of you! Hopefully you can spare your wife some of the עגמת נפש that i put my wife through.
Looking forward to hearing your updates, positive or not so positive- as long as they're real. Hatzlacha!!