Been a while since I was here seems like around 2 years from my last post.
To recap, in my upper 20's, single, and working in technology.
I've had issues with MZ"L for a while, it generally doesn't seem to take me away from other things, and I still normally can Learn and Daven well, but I sometimes tend to look at things online, though it's not something that's constantly on my mind.
I've had times when it was better and times when it was worse, and I of course would blame it on still being single, but it's definitely something that I know that I need to work on.
I've been going out, now somewhat seriously with someone, and I'm trying to decide if it's something that I bring up.
I had once brought it up somewhat when going out, and that didn't end up working out, possibly because of that, but no way to know for sure.
I am close to and generally discuss things with my Rabbeim, and one of my Rabbeim who I normally discuss things with and trust was somewhat upset with me that I had brought it up previously (I hadn't discussed this before speaking about it, and it ended coming up, and that was when I ended up filling him on things somewhat, but I don't think he knows the full details).
I had asked the same Rebbe about it quickly this time, and I was advised to not discuss anything really negative about myself, and B"H I don't have much to keep quiet, besides for this.
I am nervous that discussing it might cause things to not go through again, and I would hope that I can continue working on things and hopefully get them sorted out, but I also want to do the right thing, and not mislead someone.
I B"H have a lot going for me (though I am older), and think that I have a lot to offer, and I don't really want to mess up what I think might (finally) work, but I don't want to be keeping things from a prospective spouse either.
I also think that getting engaged/married might push me more to get things worked out, so it might not even be such an issue if I can manage to work it out soon enough.
Not sure how many people have been in this position or are "qualified" to give advice, but at this point, am I best off not saying anything, and then discussing it at some point later on if/when it's still necessary?
Or is it something that should be brought up in some way when going out?
Thanks all!

Having a rebbe is a great thing.

B'hatzlachah in all

Welcome back!

Ybachur, BH I've been on gye and on the recovery road for 9 months, after a couple of years of marriage, and messing with lust infrequently all those years, and lusting before marriage too

When I was in shidduchim I felt the same as you - heck it's a problem I'm sure marriage will fix it

Guess what - Marriage
doesn't
hasn't
won't 

You don't seem too bothered about your Porn & Mast*, why should it bother you after marriage?

Yet, I can tell you from my experience after marriage (as a "non-addict" if that's what I am), that bringing lust to the bedroom, is a recipe for disaster

Before GYE, sex was a "requirement" in marriage, I told myself I'm "obligated" tonight and I forced my obligations onto my wife, when actually I was just playing out my lust

After GYE, I'm not interested in sex anymore.  Yes, If I have to do it, I won't do it robotically (as someone mentioned he does - yikes!!) it can be an enjoyable experience, but I don't throw lust pillows at my wife anymore

I did disclose to my wife recently, it's not simple at all!! 

Many times sex won't be available when you "need" it, eg when you're stressed (as you mentioned previously)
How will you cope? And you have a partner in your life with you, how will she cope with your reaction?

KOT

Great post Markz. 

 

If you have a rebbe, you should listen to him.

I just want to let others know that I have been in touch with GYE chassanim who have told their kallahs while they were going out, and it didn't send them running.

Back here again, never replied to my previous post, but the girl I was going out with wasn't for me, and B"H that I realized that, and the RBS"O always makes things work out for the best.

But to the topic at hand:
I'm again dating someone seriously, probably further along than I ever was, and this might be the right thing.

I spoke to my Rebbe about it again quickly, and he again recommended that I don't bring it up.

Two issues:

1) I'm pretty sure he doesn't know the full extent of my issue (and I frankly may not know that myself), but I think it's worse than he thinks it is, and the best answer may just be to tell him.

2) Also, I'm not really comfortable going into a relationship with someone with them being in the dark (which is really why I'm still up and posting here now), unless that's the best way for things to be.

I haven't really had enough motivation to work on myself until now, and I've found myself recently being somewhat more motivated, and I had some good days, but it's still not changed much, and it might help to have someone help me with it, though I'm not really sure who or what to do.

So, anyone with any recommendations or good advice?

Sorry if this is somewhat unorganized and all over the place, just posting quickly while trying to go to sleep...

Thanks a lot!

I have spoken with my Rav about my issues.

Often it's a lot more damaging to wait till after you're married to try recover or disclose

ybachur wrote on 06 Jun 2017 08:35:

How about contacting SKEPTICAL ? see his post, the last one before yours!

To update this - 

Ended up discussing it further with my Rebbe, and sent him to read this thread...

At this point, I'm going to focus on working on things and try to find someone to help me with the overall issue, and hold off on bringing it up for now, and we'll see where it goes.

Thanks all for the input and advice!