I'm not sure if this helps, but I think it does, to get stuff off your chest. Just the facts of it, without judging it, and obviously anyone saying what's going on within them can't be saying the whole story cuz none of us know everything going on inside.
I'm not writing this because I don't have good parts to me, I do, I know a lot of them also. It's just these things are weighing me down and I want to say them. But anyway:

I sometimes think of leaving yeshiva, the dorm, etc., in order to go off the derech. That would be the point of it, moving where no one knows me and no one will see me and doing whatever the hell I feel like it.

I often judge people, very often. I have thoughts in my head about how weird this guy is, how stupid that one, how that one doesn't get anything at all and never will, and I understand everything and am doing awesome.

I ditch chavrusas, cuz I'm "sick," which usually just means I wanna take off the morning or the whole day or whatever. It's a lie.

I sometimes hope I don't ever get clean because I like this stuff.

I sometimes hope bad things will happen to me so I'll have an excuse to ditch religion, recovery, etc.

People suggest me shidduchim. I go even though I know I'm wasting everyone's time, because I won't be able to connect to the person with all the porn and everything.

I've come to love the night time. Internet in general also, I like the connection, to anything out in that big world. I didn't used to.

Profanity goes through my mind a lot. I have a lot of anger. I also don't think I used to.

That's it for now I think.

Welcome to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you better!

That was pretty intense! SHKOYACH!!!!

Have you tried therapy? You seem to have some emotional issues also and I have found therapy to be very helpful for my emotional issues. I completely relate to the wanting to go "off the d" and leaving yeshiva. i went through a lot of my life with that mindset but b"h i have a much different mindset now. also have you opened up to a rebbi? w/o my rebbeim i would not be where i am today.

Dantheman welcome!

I feel for you. I read your post, went back to work, and came back to it again. The raw emotion touched a nerve because I went through very similar feelings as a bochur.

I don't have any quick answers, but if I may be presumptuous, I would like to share the one item I remember that was helpful to me.
No matter what I was doing and was contemplating doing, I never changed my mind about who I wanted to be, in the future.
For us guys who are really bnei Aliyah but struggling with different issues, we live with conflict between where we are and where we want to be/where we think we should be. The conflict is painful. It makes it less painful to start justifying, or giving up because that at least removes the internal conflict.
I knew I was heading in the wrong direction, sometimes full speed ahead, other times reversing a little, but I held on very tight to a dream that one day I would be able to live my life the way I knew deep down is the only way I would be able to live with myself.

It helped that I had a great Rebbi I could talk to, and other factors as well, but when I look back, the main thing that stands out is that I never gave up hope entirely on myself, and never changed my mind about what I wanted my future to look like.

15+ years later, it's finally happening, BH, but not without a lot of pain along the way. Please try not to take as long to get there as I did.

Hatzlacha Rabah and please stay connected!

Good post to write.

May God be with you.

Thanks for the responses here. I wasn't really looking for advice though, just to share.

dantheman2885 wrote:


As a moderator on the forum, I would like to point something out that I think will be beneficial for some, and help the forum in general. Please read Dan's initial post. Then look at what skep and I posted. Contrast that with the other posts (which were well written and insightful). Then read what Dan wrote immediately above this post.

cordnoy wrote:


That was great, and 100% true. Perhaps it should be included in the forum header next to ATTENTION ALL GUESTS, with ATTENTION ALL MEMBERS

The world is full of neurotypical and a few aspergers although
Gettingcloser wrote:


Neurotypicals have an easy time when new members join, to say
'Welcome... Need a cup of tea'?

Whereas some some aspergers traiters aren't as good with following the social rules, so a little understanding is appreciated.
Yeah - i know already what your response will be
"Welcome..."

Dan I share alot with your feelings, and wanted to point out one little thing

dantheman2885 wrote:

My friend, this is very rigid thinking and sounds a little like a common asperger trait.

dantheman2885 wrote:

This is another example of rigid thinking.

There are people that have great connection and beautiful marriages, although they are seeped in porn. The one has nothing to do with the other. Our porn tendencies give us the rigid impression that that is who we are, when it's not.

All the best

Thanks again for the responses. But again, I wasn't looking for tips. BH, I have many people I speak with, who know me very well. It doesn't feel so great to be "pegged" as this or that based on what I wrote, and it's not very helpful.

dantheman2885 wrote:


This is probably undermining ur post but i couldn't hold it in. sorry

LOL! I completely agree with you. While you were a victim of my advice, when you clarified what you meant I took a step back. Maskim completely to what you said (in bold).