Hello everyone,
After 17 days of being clean I have had a fall. I feel terrible. I was caught off guard. This time I was on guard to the temptations to act out or watch filth. I wasn't on guard for an even worse temptation. I felt afraid that if I didn't choose the lesser evil so to speak, I would be in a lot worse trouble. This fall has taught me one clear lesson. I am not addicted to acting out watching filth. I am addicted to lust. The yetzer hara is growing smarter.
I am numb to the disappointment and guilt right now as I have experienced this so many times before. I feel giddy though and sick. I feel completely alone. I ask myself why did I stumble across that video when I was 14? Why didn't my parents take the time to tell me things that I should never have found out for myself? It was completely accident. I had no idea what any of it was or what it would do to my life. Why would G-d through that into my life at that age? Now I am miserable because of it. However I know deep down the blame is mine.
I know guilt is a tool of the yetzer hara so I will stop complaining and wallowing in self pity now. I will get back on the horse. But I ask of all those who have read this, please give me any advice you can. It would mean everything to me.

Hi,
I also used to wonder why my parents never told me anything about what to expect and what to be wary of.

There is a concept my therapist/Rabbi (he is certified and practices both professions) told me that I have a hard time accepting, but am working on. Sometimes we are tested with temptations that we could, and are supposed to, overcome. Sometimes G-d sends us temptations that we are unable to withstand, and He wants us to go through that experience because it is for our good. These second type of tests are not our responsibility. Now here's the hard part. We need to have the attitude that every test we failed in the past belonged to the second category, and every test current and future belongs to the first category.
If there is one aspect of our battle that is easy to see that it's not our fault it is the lack of education and preparation we would have liked to receive from our parents, but this concept is supposed to be applied to all of our actions as well.

There is another concept I have a hard time with called ירידה צורך עלייה - we need to go down in order to go up. At the very least we can take away a lesson from falls. Perhaps it is as you said a specific situation that you were not in guard for, and now will be more aware of. Perhaps it opens us up to contemplation on what else is going on in our lives that allows an unexpected situation to turn into a fall.
Maybe this takes the YH's brand of guilt and changes it into productive, motivational regret.

FSKOT!

Learningnoahide you're a great friend on this forum

I know I'll get flak for saying this but in my opinion if you're using the 90 day chart to as the only tool for today, then to heck with it!
Cos after we counted # of days we can get complacent.
The benefits I'm aware of in counting days are only for after you pass 90 days
1- you will have then broken a habit
2- you will be privy to a forum for such unique individuals

Until you reach 90 days dump the chart, and only update periodically.
For today we will use other tools (check my signature)

Guys, I like to get flak feedback, please fire away.

So please get off your horse and start truckin

markz wrote:


I know for a fact that the 90 day chart helped me, so I wouldn't be so quick to discount it. It depends on the person and his situation.

OK, now I'm ready for your

My question is - is that the only tool you used?

markz wrote:


Absolutely not the only tool - but it was still a help, not a hindrance.

If you have time take a look through some of the threads of guys with long term sobriety. Look at their early days and falls and struggles. Maybe you will find some help and inspiration in there.

Great posts here, keep it going.

LearningNoahide.

Take from what rav nachman of breslov zt"l said, "Even I were to commit the worst aveira c"v I would still be totally besimcha the very next minute".

You haven't lost until your simcha goes away, as matter of fact thats all the y"h wants when he convinces someone to do an averiah, for him to feel depressed aferward.

Tzadikkim are the ones that get up after a fall not the ones that never fall.

Chazak V'emutz!

Hey you are talking to the king of slips. Try to make it a slip and move on. Rome was not built on one night. And I am not sure that lust can be gotten rid of at first attempt either. Did you ever have a 14 day clean stark before? I know I never did beffore I joined GYE. So whats the takeaway. Well can you last 14 days being clean? Now you know you can. Before GYE did you think you can? I never thought I could. Now that you know you can last 14 days try it again. Then at the end of 14 days say hey lets go for another 14!

eslaasos wrote:


My point was using it alone

Will someone that got to 90 days with no tool other than the 90 day chart please come forward and say hi

Thank you so much eslaasos, for your help. Although difficult to understand I see the sense in what you are explaining. So I guess, feel responsibility for the future because I can change that. The past is no longer my responsibility to feel guilty about. I guess this fall is for the good of the future if I see it that way.

Thank you markz. I see your point. I guess I should take each day or even each second at a time. I am only keeping track of the days because I need to reach 90. That is the only reason to count. I feel I am empowered to know that if I make it that far I will at least not be addicted anymore although of course that does not mean I can't become addicted again. I am going to keep counting just so I know once I have reached the 90day period.

Thank you Mesayin, that is a great encouragement.

Than you serenity, I will definitely take a look.

You are very right way down. For the last 2 years, 3 days was my longest streak. GYE is a life-saver.