Hi...so it's been a couple weeks that i've been completely clean.
I'm married with children. I was into reading stories that people post about experiences...and pictures. It ruined my mind, my perspective on women (including my wife) and took away from my life in many ways.
Okay - so being clean for 14 has been great and i feel better about myself but I know I have a long way to go to change that habit.
So here is the issue and i'm hoping someone can relate.
I have never had issues in the bed..and i'm very attracted to my wife - so no issues there.
however, for the past 2 weeks things haven't "been working"...this is crazy and it kills me! (kinda of feel like i'm being punished) ....my wife is completely supportive and understanding but i don't feel like a man.... It's very difficult for me and I never in a million years would have imagined such a situation....
on the positive side, i'm taking this as nudge from hashem to keep my mind clean, focus on family, torah and work and all will be good ..

any thoughts?

(by the way, this is my first post)

Hi welcome aboard!

What you describe seems to be not that uncommon around here. It's called PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction). Basically your body has gotten so used to artificial stimulation that the sudden absence of it makes things stop working. The good news is that it usually clears up after a while of staying clean.

Hatzlacha and KOMT!!

Gevura - you have put the biggest smile on my face in the past few days!! you have given me much hope and I thank you for replying.....

Your more of a "Man" than you possibly know. The strides that you are taking toward a life of sobriety and clarity in your thoughts and Mitzvot are a reflection of that. Do consider that your conception of what a "Man" is can't be qualified when your in a repetitive cycle of insane
behavior like getting high off internet porn. The chemical reaction of your brain on porn doesn't allow you to make sound decisions so you can hardly blame your self or your penis from the confusion that ensues from going cold turkey from the drug that we all chose to get our fix from.Just take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and enjoy your blessings

Okay - so i just wanted to post an update. I've been doing my best to keep my eyes and mind clean and after yesterday's responses to my post, i knew there was light at the end of the tunnel (i truly thought my mojo was completely gone!)....
Anyhow, completely unexpectedly last night - the mojo returned!
I feel like this was all a test and i so don't want to go back to the way i was feeling (and how i was not performing!)......the journey has just begun but i know what needs to be done and more so, don't want to go back to feeling/acting the way I was.
Thank you Hashem for giving me strength to be 15 days clean and thank you to the makers of this website for instilling hope when i thought it was completely gone .

WELCOME!!!!!!

YOU DA MAN! Why do you need any of this mojo????

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

And don't forget that there will be lots of ups and downs.
don't get down by the downs.

b'hatzlachah

Hatzlacha! I relate to a lot of what you wrote. You're doing great!

Hi - it's June 21, 2015...and i'm back on this site...obviously I failed the first time around.

So now it's gone from reading stories to watching vids online....i'm going crazy here...like i have no self control...

I've been working very hard lately and many hours in front of the computer....obviously that doesn't help and I just keep getting sucked into different website, google searches, etc...
I feel disgusted and I feel i have no control....like i know what to do to stop ..but can't..

I'm trying this again and I hope with hashem's help to log in every day and report my progress.

I feel that my falls are keeping me from growing in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND IT'S KILLING ME INSIDE....

BTW - wife is pregnant with 4th kid...i'm super excited but i feel like i'm spitting in hashem's face every time I go on these websites

Why can't i just get my act together and grow to be an amazing human being!?



thanks for reading...

Welcome back!

Thank you...i don't want to fail this time

I can relate to that.

Welcome back!

Escalation, sadly, is normal, and we are familiar with that here. Don't get down on yourself; it's the nature of this thing. Everyone here understands what you're dealing with.

I took a hiatus from this site a for a few months once, after my freshman stint. I kept up with the 90 day counting, but didn't post, etc.

My perfectionism and pride kept me from showing up here. Basically, I like my endeavors clean, neat and linear, and found recovery, necessarily, anything but that. It's a lot of ups, downs, wins, failures, clean streaks and falls. It wasn't until I accepted that, and realized that if I fell, the most important thing to do was get back on right away, right here, that I made any real progress.

So your situation very well may be different, but if you are wrestling with the perfectionist thing, do your best to give it up and just show up here, clean, dirty, happy, sad, pissed off, exuberant, whatever. Just show up.

hi - thanks for reaching out...

honestly - i feel like i'm going to be punished big time for what i do and have done.... it's killing me inside very slowly and i'm so stuck.

how do i bounce back and then stand in front of hashem in 120 yrs and explain this... ???

I feel very blessed as hashem blesses me every day with health, a job, wife, kids, etc...
but i feel like i'm not doing my share...

(i'm a BT...7 years now)

I can relate to much of what you wrote.

You might want to check out a thread TOPIC: "Walking Baal Tashchis?" In the baalei batim section. There is a lot of wisdom from the rest of the chevra that might help you- in particular- a post from UAJ addresses many of the issues that you are struggling with.

I'll just end off with quoting Cordnoy: "Today, damn it! Today!"

Try to remember that when you feel yourself getting sucked into what's going to be after 120...

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!