But shouldn't that be the answer, even with all that willpower, and an extremely impressive amount of willpower, you still ended up falling....doesn't that show clearly that willpower isn't enough? Doesn't that show that there is something that is stronger than willpower?

The book or rather the program is just a tool to use against whatever that thing is, it teaches us how to live in reality no matter what the circumstances, how to live with emunah and bitachon, not only know emunah and bitachon!!

Rabbi Dr. Twerski writes and says that he wishes that everyone would go to 12 step meetings, and work the program for it is a path that has connected thousands of people with Hashem (or G-D), and everyone can use more connection, especially nowadays.

I understand the feeling of "if I did it that long, I could do it longer" but you seem to have realized that you don't have the strength to fight for something that has proven not to work twice already!

When I first joined GYE, I wasn't ready to label myself an addict, but I related with what the 12 steps had to offer and decided to look into it with an open mind, nobody was forcing me in, I would decide on my own. The program has tons to offer, it's not perfect and certainly the way people use it today is far from perfect, but when used correctly it is a life changer!!

It's great to have you here!! KOP(osting)!!! KOMT!!!!!

I have long streaks
go to groups
had a therapist
had falls afterwards
I know I am addicted
I have accepted that fact
I argue with people when they say they were born with it
I don't know if our wires in brain are actually different
but whatever the case, I have a strong urge for these things...even after acceptance and surrender (whatever the hell that means) and the fellows in the group all say the same.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome! It's nice to have you with us. It sounds like guilty feelings are the culprit. Did you have guilty feelings at other times and manage not to give in? It sounds like you have things pretty well in order (minues a couple of bad days).

Could you share more of your journey with us? What prompted you to go to "groups"?

Why do you focus on the couple of bad days, and not the good 1.5 years each time? Are they worthless because of a fall or 2?

Just a hunch, do you consider yourself a perfectionist? I am. I learned a lot from Dr. Sorotzkin. I have a link in my signature.

Keep posting! There's a great chevra here.

the reason i have a hard time accepting having addiction is, i compare this to other bad habbits i have. for example brushing my teeth. many nights i miss and dont brush, do i say i have an addiction to not brushing? besides, if i have a busy schedule, and not alone, and feel good about myself i won't have the urge to act out. also, if i have an addiction why is it that i can keep 1.5 years? furthermore, why is it that in both falls, i experienced being down before falling. if its an addiction i should just act out without reason. iam trying to be open so you guys can catch my mistakes not to blame or put anyone down.
thank you guys

I personally find it hard to label it an addiction, because then in my mind it's then in the same category as things like smoking. i would never smoke, and am appalled at those that do. So, then I think, "if I wouldn't smoke because it's bad for me, and it can be addicting, why am I doing this"?! And yet, this line of reasoning is correct, because after all, "Why AM I doing this behavior which is destructive to me'? therefore, my mind says that it's not really an addiction. This is of course wrong.

If you are an addict there are tools for recovery.

If you're not an addict, why are you beating yourself up? You were clean twice for 1 1/2 years. So in 3 years, you "fell" twice. As mentioned previously, everyone has bad days. If you don't feel you're an addict, you should just get back up and keep moving forward without giving it another thought.

What made you post?

maamin4ever wrote:


this one, I'm sure you have the answer to

maamin4ever wrote:


addictions require triggers as well

maamin4ever wrote:


good question. that is why we asked what it is you are doin'. addictions can be controlled (in some manner) thru various methods.

maamin4ever wrote:


once again, addictions come on account of triggers as well.

maamin4ever wrote:


pleasure.
Don't get hung up on the addiction word.
Someone once said from r twerski that if you can't live without it, then it's addiction. perhaps he said that if you tried stoppin' cuz you know it's wrong and you can't then it's an addiction. (thanks pidaini)
how wrong is wrong?
how much is tryin'?
howbout if sometimes yes (it's manageable), and at times - no?
howbout somewhere in the middle?

whatever, like Skep said: if you're fine now, so continue on.
If you're not fine, continue on anyway.

not much of a difference here.

b'hatzlachah (from an addict who used to think he wasn't)

Rabbi Twerski says that if you know it's bad, and you've tried stopping, and can't, then it's called an addiction.

What's the matzav now? As skeptical asked, what made you post?

M4E, I think you need to clarify. You talk like you are hopeless, then you say you can stay sober for 18 months, then you say you go to groups, then you say you don't like the word addict. I'm confused???

You need to clarify, When do you act out? How often? In what way? How often do you battle urges to act out?

You can answer as much or as little as you want, but right now you are painting a very fuzzy picture.

You also seem to have a hang up about the word "addiction". Forget about the word. What is your problem? Let's talk about that without worrying about the word addiction.

It is almost a year since I began this topic. The day after the Yom HaDin. Last Yamin Norayim I took a kaballah on myself that this year woikld be different. That next Yamim Noraim I would be clean, a different person.
I didn't make it to that goal.
But today I was clean, today I fought the Yetzer Hora.
I am taking a new kaballah-this year, Haba Aleinu L'TOVA I will IY"H post of GYE once a week. I would love to say every day but it think that is too much to take upon myself now. I hope I can uphold posting once a week.

This year I feel it. This is going to be the year! My final year in Mesivta. I IY"H will be going to Yeshiva Gedola next year - I hope a clean Bochur.

May HKB"H give me the Siyatta Dishmaya and strength to fight the urge to watch inappropriate things and act out on them. Through this may Klal Yisrael merit a Yeshua and may we all have a Shana Tova U'Mesuka!

Wishing the best of luck to everyone in 5775, may we all reach new spiritual nights and be Matzliach!!

Welcome back
Postin' is good.
In the past, you have asked for suggestions.
did you follow any of them?
what helped?
what didn't?
what actions will you take now?
how is that free v'shinantem or webchaver holdin' up?
what will you be doin' the next three days?

Your optimism is great!
Keep that up!
We look forward to your posts.

b'hatzlachah

I need a plan.
I felt an urge like no other today to act out. I ignored it. I fought it. I tried everything. I put in some headphones and lost myself in Simcha'dik melodies...and I felt better. Then it came back full force, I tried ignoring it but it filled me and made me feel sick to my stomach.
I fell.
What do you do when you feel such an urge that you mamash feel sick?

I'll be more detailed later..... I want to make a plan publicly so everyone can see.

The WebChaver is great! I do need to find something that captures my screen periodically because I found some loopholes in the system--any suggestions?

troubledbochur wrote:


Close the loopholes.
Read the handbook.
Open up to someone real and trustworthy.
Read the whitebook.

b'hatzlachah

I can relate to the finding loopholes in the system, that's profession of mine I am closing them, one at a time, even though it's really difficult because I'm convinced they know that I'm an addict, and it's on my regular email account.....(I actually have a two or three new things to send in, pushing it off though)

What have you been doing until now?

Have you opened up to anyone yet?

KOP!!! KOMT!!!