Hey Eliyahu,
Sorry to hear you had a tough night.
Wishing you continued hatzlacha and growth.

Gmar chassima tova
Eli

Last night was really tough. I felt like I was going to burst. I felt like I just had to look at P and M. I am very happy to say that I ripped myself away from the computer and went to bed early. I am 46 hours clean. That is 46 angles I have created, who will help me with my struggles. In total, I have an army of 2048 angles. In 6 minutes, I will be blessed with another.

-some_guy/ Elias/ Eliyahu

I recently had a sign that my therapy is working! After so long, I have undeniable proof that my efforts have not been in vain! Before, the lustful thoughts that would pop into my mind would be about horrible, disgusting things. The kind of stuff that would make healthy people vomit. However, now some of the lustful thoughts are about normal things. I am still forcing them out of my head, because lust is bad for me; but this proves that the work I have been doing has been having an effect.

Right now I am 12 hours clean, and will get another hour in 9 minutes.

- some_guy/ Elias/ Eliyahu

Hi. I have not been here for a while. I have not been doing any better; thankfully, I have not been doing any worse. I do not know what else to say. I am going to go pray now.

-some_guy/ Elias/ Eliyahu

 

Welcome back

Hey I was also trying... Hitting my head against the wall trying to beat lust for years. +-6 months ago things changed for the better BH

Youll have to forgive me, but 26 pages is alot. 

Would you care to summarize your story in 26 sentences or less, and if you want a little input I'll be glad to share


 

I hope you are doing fine, Elias. You are a good fellow and your wise Rabbi is so right! The world is good, just be happy. It's so true. If you do your part and try your best to be happy, I am sure that Hashem will do His part and things will work out ok, even if you are still sinning. And along the way, Hashem will help you quit and get yourself a real life that does not depend on fantasy.

We all sin once in a while, even your Rabbi does. The point is not to make a habit of it by giving it a life of it's own. Don't obsess about it - unless you want to keep doing it. And I know you really want to have a life, to grow up, and to be a better person, too. 

You will succeed!

We have spoken a few times. Speaking is nice, but practicing these things will help you more than talk. Hatzlocha with your therapy!

- Dov

I am 20 years old. I went to preschool and Sunday school at a local temple, and sometimes went there when they had a party. Other than that, I was completely secular. I first M when I was about 12 years old. Around the same time I started to watch P. I was seeing a psychologist at the time because I was really depressed. I stopped seeing him soon after I started M, because everyone thought I was better. I did not feel better; I felt numb because I was M 3-4 times everyday. When I was about 16, I started becoming interested in Judaism. When I learned that Jew should not M and look at P, I decided to stop. That is when I realized that I had a problem. I could not go longer than 2-3 days without falling. In addition, I started to see a psychologist again because I was no longer self medicating. Right now, I count hours instead of days. Only hours that I am awake and out of bed count. I am at 39 hours right now.

Have you ever considered not counting at all, and instead to focus on being happy while doing what needed to get done?

I am agree with Skeptical, and I think you are maybe too focusing to avoid p* and m*, and this can have the opposite effect than the one you are looking for...

Maybe you have to work on being happy, to enjoy every moment of life, and to stay vigilant but not focused every instant on the problem.

Did you analyze what are the triggers that eventually led you to fall ? Apart from the addiction himself of course

Dov wrote on 11 Jun 2012 04:42:

Dov, I disagree  with you. Forgiveness and love go hand in hand. 

Elias, I think you are doing a great job. I know that the family if unfiltered and I'm tempted when I am on it. You can overcome this challenge. The. Guard told that the apple was a test from HaShem to test Adam and Chava. I think that HaShem knows we are all righteous people. And he tests us. So please do not let him down.

Elias, do you think you are addicted to lust or just a normal guy sining once in a while?

E-Tek wrote on 13 Jun 2012 18:35:


And that explains exactly why Hashem forgiving you has nothing to do with Him loving you or not loving you.

His love for you and me is not like our love of another person...nor even like our love for Him. Our love is usually based on our recognizing virtue in another, or as a result of getting something precious from them, like approval or love. We come to love Hashem, as Rambam clearly writes, by recognizing and thinking about His virtue and greatness.

But His love (just like everything else 'about' Him) is not a result of anything. It's intrinsic. His Love of you has nothing whatsoever to do with your deeds. It is permanent and total, unchanged by anything forever. Forgiveness of a person is only possible if you love them in some way - for Hashem this is not so at all. As the gemora says He naturally forgives and the business of "If a person is ashamed of their sin, they are forgiven immediately (gm' Brachos)" just means that Hashem withholds the 'payoff' of their being forgiven until putting it into action would not harm them further. Clearly if you let someone know they are forgiven and erase the results of the cheit even before they take any serious action to change, they won't take the entire issue seriously and they will just keep sinning more and more and messing their lives up by being a loser.

Now, if you believe that the only real 'damage' that results from masturbating yourself is the fact that G-d punishes you for it...then you are way off-base here and none of this will make much sense to you, of course.  Because it becomes circular: "I need forgiveness because I did some random thing that He says I must not do...and He is the one who I beg forgiveness from," is just plain crazy. It explains a good degree of the OCD-nuttiness that goes on here regarding sexual sins and, ironically, reduces it to the same self-centered obsessiveness as all other brands of OCD.

So the reason I wrote the comment (3 years ago) that Shmulyz18 commented on now just above, was in response to the following post before it by Some_guy (Elias) from 3 years ago:


Make sense now? The fellow is fixated on his performance for G-d. He is stuck in the thinking that everything is a test, that he is the Actor on The Great Stage, and sees G-d as the unfortunate cosmic Ringleader going crazy because his pets are screwing everything up, fouling-up His plans. He is set to punish them now and teach them a lesson!

Gevalt, this is just not the Truth. At least, it isn't the perspective any mature oved Hashem I know walks around with. It's based on a view that is self-centered, not G-d-centered.

And I will repeat below what I posted 3 years ago to Some_Guy(Elias) above - see it in light of the clear, terse, and honest posts here by Skeptical, please. And you will see they are saying the very same things he suggests but with more detail.

And what did Some_Guy do with those ideas then?

How long is this same battle going to be waged back and forth with the same ideas being bantered about, the same suggestions being made, and the same arguments a month-or-year-later all over again? How will anyone finally be convinced?

I say it will run around indefinitely - until the missing ingredient is finally found. And I think that ingredient is finally starting to let go of the self-centered view that we all have as a left-over from our childhoods. 

The Holy Grail of GYE: 'finally figuring it out', is not the answer. Intellect and thinking will not solve this. Not by a long shot.

Rather, as AA simply puts it in the sweet Member Stories: 'Acceptance is the Answer'.

The missing ingredient for me, that makes all my recovery fail or work, is my willingness to grow up. 

Dov wrote on 31 May 2012 20:04:

Dov wrote on 04 Apr 2016 03:31:

There are many others on this site (including me) who should read this several times.

Thanks

The official definition of a addict in the DSM-5 is a person who displays 3 or more the following 11 symptoms. The more symptoms, the more serious the disease. I display 8 symptoms, and possibly another 2. I have bolded the symptoms that I have and italicized the symptoms that I might have.

1. Taking the substance in larger amounts or for longer than the you meant to
2. Wanting to cut down or stop using the substance but not managing to
3. Spending a lot of time getting, using, or recovering from use of the substance
4. Cravings and urges to use the substance
5. Not managing to do what you should at work, home or school, because of substance use
6. Continuing to use, even when it causes problems in relationships
7. Giving up important social, occupational or recreational activities because of substance use
8. Using substances again and again, even when it puts the you in danger
9. Continuing to use, even when the you know you have a physical or psychological problem that could have been caused or made worse by the substance
10. Needing more of the substance to get the effect you want (tolerance)
11. Development of withdrawal symptoms, which can be relieved by taking more of the substance.

I am an addict. Also, I will have 44 hours clean in 16 minutes.