a horrible thing happened.

lately my work in the 12 step program has been improving each day. the hardest part is reaching out. but the other parts of the program has been becomeing better. but lately my ratzon for sobriety has gotton much weaker. having the ratzon/ desire to stay clean is step #zero. it come before the 12 steps. but lately it has been getting really weak.
i need advice....idk what is happening!
at one point acting out was a horrible thing to me and as i was acting out i was fighting with every bone of my body not to. this was my old view of the battle now i realize that only hashem can save me. im just trying to point out the i used to have the strongest ratzon every but now its very shvach.

HS, i feel for you. i don't have the answer but i will continue to daven for you

dear HS there is two ways to win a battle
1) fighting and constant batteling until the enemy is dead
2) making the enemy loose interest in the war, taking away his reason for the fight
the 12 steps is busting the balloon of the y"h, whereby the whole issue changes view from a fight to a reprograming of the mind, where that women over there is not any more an object to serve my desire, she in merely a NORMAL STANDARD human being standing in the wrong place (in front of an addict), so its not so much fighting against acting out, its more loosing the reason to act out.
however, we still need a constant guard in order not to fall back to stupid imaginary lusts

You need to have consequences. Just maybe, if your motivation to stay clean is only a moral choice that you are making, you are still 'baylim' over it. That's a deficit, in my opinion.

Now from a Torah (not recovery) perspective:

Hashem said (gm' Shabbos 85) "If you accept the Torah now, fine - if not, shom t'hei kvuraschem (your grave will be right there)" - and He said this even though they already said they'd accept! The MaHaRa"L explains that Hashem wanted to teach them/us that accepting the Torah may appear to be a choice - but it really is an offer we can't refuse.

I have found that true addicts are among the few who really understand this. They are innately aware that their sobriety is not a choice - they have no other option but to stop. And no Torah can tell them this is so - they (we) need to understand it ourselves. That's why it is not 'gevurah', or 'morality', or 'bravery' to do what is necessary to recover - for no one deserves a medal for risking their own lives to save themselves from a burning building!

Get me, chabib?

shkoyach dov!
i like that
im going to try to say that over to myself over and over

Wow, you are indeed a decent guy.

Hatzlocha.

umm thanks?
i try my best to be a decent person

Good shabbos reb decent person!

ok
im still here fighting. still giving it over to hashem.
im almost up to winter vacation.
starting finals this week

Finals??

What for?

Isn't being a decent person enough? ???

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 02 Jan 2012 06:44:

according to my understanding,
it is to test me on all the information i have learned in school during the last semester in one big test. 

HashemsSoldier wrote on 22 Dec 2011 02:28:


I remeber when I was a kid also in Tzivos Hashem as well I always misspelled 'shkoyach' till my father corrected me. in fact that was one of the few times he taught me anything positive... sad...

In fact the correct term is 'Yasher Koach' as in rashi when MOshe Rabbenu broke the Luchos.

I can tell you there are many of us older guys who would give an arm to be young as you and beating the nasty Yetzer Horah and break the bad habits.  You are blessed and wise.  You are doing exactly what is intended and will grow up to be a fine young man, whoever you marry will be a lucky girl...

So, Yasher Koach on your struggle.

i know that its is yasher koach. i just say shkoyach cus thats what most ppl say. i do want to be understood
thanks for your words

To be real nitpicky, I think it's actually "Y'Yasher Kochacha".  :D

I think gevura is right, but i say shkoiyach just like everyone else... except HY that is  ;D.