thanks guys. makes a difference.

No drama with "H. Still looking deep.

dopamine. yeah, dope-amine! thought about that rush during Shacharis (you're supposed to think about such things during Karbonos, right?) and how I'd love to "daven on hot coals" like that rush.

I so don't care about the count. So I'm a Dov-ee. Sue me.

Wrote the filter gabbai about the filter not working at all.

I want a little tricycle. that would be exciting. And what I need is a little kosher excitement. Gotta admit it.

Good Shabbos chevra.

I daven for you. Please do the same for me.

Yos

Hi Guys, just checkin in. No falls. ok, now that's out of the way.

Then there's life. Zero physical pain. No bipolar storms. Relationship with kids improving. Parnassah is enough.

My daughter, also with manic depression, had a huge episode. She works a serious alanon program, and had a network of people set up to help her should she ever have an episode. It worked pretty well, and she was swept out of harms way. She turned to me a lot during this time. Just having the opportunity to love her without conditions helped make some amends, I think. One son was valedictorian for his university grad. The other one is traveling the world. they are healthy. They all stay pretty much in contact, which in itself is a miracle.

Yiddishkeit grows. I made up this saying. It's, "where the rubber meets the road, I come to You to daven". What this means is that there is a place where I am in the moment I come to daven. It takes a bit of introspection to get down to it. There I can see all my unwillingness to attach, to let myself be attached to. sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm upset. In those extremes (yes, happy is an extreme for me)d'veikus is much easier. But when things are zipping along, I often get a glimpse of Mr. Big Shot coming to daven. That's where the rubber meets the road. It's a good thing Karbonos comes so early in Shacharis. I ask for help to daven, to give up my biggness. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Progress.

I just want to share something that happened recently that is a very vivid example of what GYE, introducing me to my G-d, has brought to my day to day life. A couple years ago I would have been deep into the pixels. My Rav did something with me that felt dishonest. It shook me up. I obsessed about it for two days. I talked with Hashem a lot. There are reasons I didn't talk to the Rav about it. From past experience things would likely to have gotten worse. So i talked with my sister about it. She said something profound. She said, "You are just a balebat. That is plenty". When I let go of needing to be special, I could understand the Rav's behavior in perspective and it seemed not so much dishonest, as him needing to handle me in a situation that probably wasn't my place to have been involved in in the first place. This may not seem like a big deal, but it was to me. I think it's pretty normal to want to be special to certain people--family and close friends, for example. But when there's a drivenness about it, for me it's all about desperation. That is, emunah's on vacation. and I'll use people no differently than I use my other addictions. I'll have what I want when I want it.

So all this by way of saying how much my chaverim here have helped me live life in the mix of relationship with Hashem, my relationship with real people (no offense meant, guys. Yes you're real, but our relationship is, more or less, virtual. If I love you or hurt you, it's way different than in real life, pretty much), and my handling the ups and downs of life. As we say, Ein Anachnu Maspikim, there is no thanking you enough. I still say brochos for you when I bench licht. The "GYE Experience": It's not just all you guys keeping me straight so gently, encouraging me, congratulating me, letting me know I do matter, it's the Bards stuff, the joking around, that laughing at ourselves, the posts that are serious, dead serious, emails, and administrators who work hard and for free. I have a safe place. I can offer something to others. And it's my bridge to the real world. Where the rubber meets the road.

Thanking Hashem, recognizing and acknowledging that it's only through Him that insight comes (b'Orcha ni'er Ohr), that He wants me to attach to Him, that He lets me know a litte bit what His Oneg might be like, All that almost goes without saying. Almost. Thank you Tatti, very much. You correct me these days more gently. Thank you.

I'll be checkin in with you on your threads.

Joel

Hi Joel,
thanks for checking in and sharing the good stuff. you are an inspiration.
all the best
zs

Hey, Joel. We haven't seen you on your thread for nearly a month.

Hi guys,
Two falls recently. No zl,spilling seed, no touching. Once was to a non porn site, but I knew there was a high possibility of seeing things. The other was a straight out going to a porn site. I got lost in it just like in "the old days". Whaaaat "old days". It's "today", Joel. Yosseleh, it's TODAY!, now. any second now. I keep thinking I've got this licked.

Abba Abba my takeaway this time is about isolating and being depressed. Thank you for not punishing me. Thank you for the guys at GYE not being judgemental. Thank you for my real-world friends, who are program people and understand and help me get back to basics. Thank you for my not having to go through the guilt drama, but feeling my regret and remorse and determination to do better (thank you Blind Beggar).

The news report is that my daughter had a big bipolar episode that scared me bigtime. But we got her meds squared away and set up a protocol for everyone around her to use in case ch'v this ever happens again. My boys are healthy and happy. Parnossoh is just getting by, but getting by, as usual B"H.

To all of you who have rolled up your sleeves to cope with the summer time shmiras eynayim challenges, may Hashem bless us that we go from strength to strength.

Joel

a fall from grace if done right can be a fall in grace
that's what comes to mind
keep on rocking and rolling
שבע יפול צדיק וקם

see Oorah's Shmorg...

Dear Joel ZS, Emu, and everyone else here:

I Love You!

Vau Joel, it is great to read your post. It was honest to the bone and it touched me. May Abba bless you with patience and trust.

Joel, every single post of yours is an inspiration to me.

Ditto. And not just his, but the posts a lot of you people.

Thanks for this great band of brothers, folks! Have a good Shabbos, all. (and refuah sheleima to your daughter, Yoilish.)

Time for an update, Joel.
Everyone PM 1daat 10 times a day until he posts something.

I'm back. Shoulda stayed. big head. 2 falls recently. Long stretch of not even thinking about porn. Shmiras eynayim pretty solid. Came out of the blue.

Been in a lotta denial. Still don't really accept that I have a sickness. I think falls happen because of psychology, stress, unconscious process not yet understood, blah blah blah. I think I've probably got to deal with the most basic of basics. And that's to get my head around that I have a sickness. I just want to put these falls behind me and forget about them. They were an accident. I'm really ok. I don't need any help.

How do I get past all this denial? I really don't want to bottom out again. But it seems any humility that may have come from the arrest, etc. just got forgot about. Out the window. Like it never happened.

Could use your help.

Couple of things come to mind that might be tied in. One is that I finished my probation a few months ago. Maybe that was too much freedom for me. I completely forgot that I need fences. The whole arrest and probation was a fence. Kept me in line. Kept me real. When I got out from the watchful eye of the therapist and the probation officer, and the reports, etc. etc, maybe the freedom was too much. I think I must be thinking that that's all behind me now and I don't still have a problem, cuz I'm certainly not going to do that again.

The other thing that might tie in is that I've been going to minyan pretty regularly. That's a whole big step for me (Baal Tshuvah). Also been layning way more than ever before (and checking to see who's noticing). So it's starting to get oppressive. I just noticed that, and haven't talked to my Rav about it yet. But made a note to do it. I recently heard about someone who stopped being frum and joined the conservative community. Asked why, he answered, "Too many rules". When I first heard that I thought it was funny--"H made too many mitzvahs. But now I don't think it's so funny. That's a thought I couldn't let myself think. Opressed by being more frum? Yeah, opressed by doing more mitzvos. Ok, that was a relief to admit. Talk to the Rav tomorrow if he's available.

Many blessings: All three kids are doing great. Daughter is steady for a year (bipolar disorder). I live with low grade chronic pain. Maybe that's been building up too? But it's not terrible like it used to be. Completely off all pain killers. I thought I might have a problem with not wanting to get off the morphine, because I'm an addict. But after a pretty successful epidural, thank G-d I wanted to get off them, and started tapering down even before the doctor suggested it. Enough parnossah.

I'll be checking in regularly, reporting on getting filters up, starting to work the handbook, and getting to meetings.

Thanks for reading.
Joel

Hi Joel welcome back!!!

Hey Joel,

Welcome back!

You left before I arrived, so I don't know your story well.
I skimmed thru your thread to see some of the details.
seems like there were some tough periods.
It also seems like you want to take it to the next level now.
that sounds great.

Don't be a stranger and the oilam here (the new and the old) will try to lend a helpin' hand.

b'hatzlachah