"hi; I moved here from the Introduce Yourself thread cause I'm already introduced."
                                --Briuit's suggestion for starting my new thread.

Anyway, here I am, day 31.  Fast is over in 12 minutes.  But who's counting.  I've been on GYE for a couple hours.  More than is probably ok for me, but when I need it I need it. 

Making some real friendships, no secrets, just chizuk, love and reminders that when all is said and done, we are left with hishtadlus and bitachon. 

It's relatively quiet on the yh (no caps.  I wouldn't give it the kovod, malach or not) front.  Thank you all for reminding me not to be caught off guard, lulled into some sense of "having won" the battle.  Please, keep reminding me!

ok for tonight.  Maariv and eatz.

Chazak Chazak chevra.

KUTGW!!

welcome to the wall!

and yeah, you probably don't need to introduce yourself, but feel free to say whatever you want even if it was covered somewhere else.

memory problems are apparently common in this line of work.

and so is forgetting stuff, like those, er, um, whachacallit, memory problems.

welcome to the wall!

:-[ What can i say. i have a very short memory. while i was feeling good with 50 days ,clean from p*&m* ,i was beginning to foget how disgusting and awful it felt my be to be held hostage for hours by a stupid machine looking at filthy garbage. So here i am almost to day 4 of a new clean streak after falling twice last week,and i had a really big fall. (p*& m*) thinking if i am anyway falling i may as well go all the way. what stupid addictive thinking!!!  Here i am realizing i can not do this on my own, reaching out for a sponsor to check in with by e-mail on a daily basis (M-F).

Hey Sci, thanks for the chizuk.  Had to google it.

Briut Briut, good to hear you laughing.  Your thread is a regular for me.  It's been a cliff hanger.  That you have been strong and held on, with such expressed love for H" and us guys, and so open and plainspoken.  You are an example to me.  Keep it simple and let it rip.

Yedidya Aleph.  Thank you for what you wrote.  You bring your own fall to me to teach me what I asked for--to be reminded not to be lulled into some sense of having it all together.  I felt such a sinking in my stomach reading what you wrote.  Thank you very deeply that you would care so much to answer me from your own life.

33 days.It's not so hard now, and I scanning myself cuz I've got a hunch that this is a trap.  yedidya aleph's post shook me.  But I know myself that when I start with all the thinking and analyzing that it's getting to be "all-about-me" time.  Just writing this kinda doesn't feel good.  I wanted to erase it.  I've got to get out of the problem.

I need to go daven and leyn.  I'm going now.

be back tomorrow, B"H.

1daat wrote on 01 Jul 2010 05:06:

And what if it weren't a trap? What if all you saw were Hashem's loving hands holding yours and saying, "hold on, we can do this together." Would you give the y'h even the time of day to try to distract you into thinking about thinking about whether you should be thinking about whether it's a trap?

And mahybe it's not even be Hashem's hand. It might just be... recovery. Also a nice companion, eh?

Anyhow, I'm rambling. I really just mean a little chizuk. Keep going, chaver.

Briut, ramble or no, I got the message.  Basic stinkin thinkin 101.  Whaddya want from an eynosh?

Have a Shabbat Shalom, Shalem, mit ganse sahlom bayis.  Gooten Shabbos, y'all klal.

1daat wrote on 02 Jul 2010 19:13:

Sorry. No loshon hara allowed. Not even on yourself. Yours ain't stinkin' thinkin' -- it might just be a premature little senior moment of forgetting what you already know.

Just don't let it happen again....  And, Good Shabbos.

OK, no lashonhora.  Yeah, probably just a senior moment.  So what was that about?  Huh?

Yeah, we've all forgotten.
The angel stuck his finger above our lips... and we lost track of the whole purpose.
But what if we COULD remember....
Wow.

The chiddush isn't the "chazak" or the "chazak," it's the "nitchazeik" -- the strengthening of one another. I bet He gets such nachas seeing how much we all want to remember the whole purpose....

Hey 1daat,

Just wanted to leave a quick message to say - well done on progreesing from Introduce Yourself.

I'm not sure I'm that advanced yet - feel more comfortable hanging with the Newbies for now!! I feel I have more to offer to those guys too.

When you get a chance, take a look at my reply to Destructive Cycle - It was inspired!!!!

I hope you are well and BTW you should know that you are a constant source of inspiration for me.

KUTGW!!!

Kol Tuv

Haleivi

day 41.  I realized something.  Today I installed QuickBooks.  And I couldn't get a certain feature to work right, no matter how many times I checked to be sure I was doing it right.  What I noticed is that I don't get frustrated, I get a panicky anxious feeling, and guess where I noticed my hands.  Be"H it was just a few seconds, clothed.  But there it was.  One of the big triggers for me--I'm stupid, I can't do this, I'm not adequate like my older brother, yada, yada, yada.

For once I don't leap to the shmutz to drain off the anxious feeling.  I went back and figured out a workaround with the software.  But this is a big deal for me.  I didn't fall when I was triggered by the whole gallery in my head yelling drek at me about my intelligence and adequacy.

And you know what, the truth is I'm not a super smart guy, and I am kind of backwards about doing certain things that seem to be pretty easy for others.  Nu, so, this makes me "less" somehow?  Like Hashem looked away for a second when a midionite zonah walked by?  And something got left out of my Neshamah?  I have one job for right now in my life.  To take one day at a time, and beg to do His will.

Only I can do it in the way that He wants me to do it.  I once heard this (I think I've posted this somewhere before, but maybe it's worth a second post):  "G-d makes of each life a separate experiment.  And we are not to compare experiments".

So today a big thing happened for me.  I took my hands away.  He took my hands away.  Because I'm not that strong.  Hashem, Hashem, today you saved me again.  When I say Ashrey tonight, I will say it slowly, and think about today. Thank you.

Not to sound patronizing, but you sound like a pretty smart guy to me. Butt watt wuld eye no? Eyem' dum!  8)

Hey Nymos, Waddya think?  Maybe we should start a schil thread for us dummies.  Acceptance is the first step, yes?  Then we're not so dumb.