Hi! every one i didn't update this forum for a while, I have a few things to shake out so i'll get right to it. before i joined this site i was slipping and falling on a daily bases for about a year not the real stufff, but i was getting there. then besyata d' shmaya i found this sight a few days after pesach i had a clean streak for four months and then fell for a few days at the end of august then i had another clean streak from beginning of elul till i  fell again this week without rhyme or reason, I really don't understand what's behind it, because while i had the clean streaks i hardly had to fight just reading the emails and counting the days was a great motivator but then "boom", maybe somebody has some insight how to understand this and give me some help it shouldn't happen again.
second point i opened today's email after being depressed for two days after my fall and was shocked to see that it was written just for me, with out going in to details because i feel it could cause chilul hashem etc. I was able to identify with this quote fully -  "To compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water. Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep trying to slog through the muck"  -   so much so that it felt like someone was reading my mind, and i must add it gave me tremendous amount of chizuk that i'm not alone in this kind of conflict, but this is all more the cause for the marbitzei torah on this forum to show the way of milchemes hayetzer and not let it take over our lives !

It came to my mind something that has been bothering me for a while, it is often stated on this forum the importance of not giving up and that even if you fall hashem is waiting for you to repent and start again, there is a well known mishneh in masechet yuma "haomer echte veushiv ein maspikin beyodo lasos teshuva" who ever says I will act out and then repent from heaven they don't give him the opportunity to repent, I have found that when acting out the way my psyche deals with the guilt is by telling myself this is just one time and i will be better tomorrow (I don't think I'm the only one that uses this mechanism) isn't this a road block to teshuvah ?
As I'm writing this I recall a vort from one of the tzadikim who on a play with the words "maspikin" says there is no safek meaning there is no question that beyodo lasos teshuva, but obviously this is not the simple meaning of the mishnah.
By the way still going strong 11 1/2 WKS  b"h