Hey guys today is day 2 of my journey. Like I said in another post, not just is p and m an aveira but it is actually stopping me from filling my own potential and being happy through the fact it creates this prison for me that I can’t break free 

Im with friends now who are watching a movie that is not 100% clean (women actors not tzniyus) so I have to go to bed early which is a bit socially off but I think that is Hashems will for me right now. If you guys don’t mind, keep pumping the chizuk!!
Thanks for all the support Tazddikim!

Hey guys,

Today is day 3 of being clean. I had to be a bit careful as I was going swimming with friends and we swam quite far out to another mixed beach. It was pretty empty but there was a bit of preitzus there. Bh we left right away. Thank you for the support!

Day 5, Shabbos and BH all is good.
I just need to write this down to refer to it later in more difficult times when they come.
I am so much happier even just these 5 days of being clean. Although I know that 5 days is nothing in the long term and of course my goal is to stay clean forever and only through that will I be able to achieve full happiness, these 5 days have been so much more positive and happy and spiritual. My connection to the RSO is so much stronger and happier when I am clean. Being clean allows me to express my truest and deepest values of dveikus, connection and menuchas hanefesh, compared with the depression, aggression and distance that I feel from the RSO when I fall. Making an effort every day  to post, to keep on reading the chizuk and support from the amazing chevra here is key I think
May we all have a week filled with simcha, menucha and dveikus that allows us all to mamesh feel the ימי חירות of pesach.

Day 8 and BH going strong.
I am just in such a happier and more positive place right now. I know it is very early in the process, but it is so freeing and joyful to be clean. I know there will be much tougher times in the future and of course I am trying to prepare for hard times during the good times like Yosef in Mitzrayim But I am in such a happier place; I am davening and learning so well, having a good bein hazmanim so far. Guys if you ever want some chizuk to stay clean just know that it is the most liberating and joyous existence. You can look up at the sky or at the newly blossoming trees and say thank you Hashem for creating such a beautiful world. 

hishtadlus123 wrote on 01 Apr 2025 23:38:

That's amazing!
Which tools are you using to help you in your journey?

• There are a couple of points. I am trying to remain busy so I am not bored. For me boredom is a death trap. Even though it is bein hazmanim, I try to wake up before 8 to make sure I am not wasting time. I try learn a solid morning seder till 12/1 in the beis medrash so I am out for the whole morning basically.
• Making sure that I am not using my computer for stam entertainment (watching movies etc however appropriate) bc I know that is a dangerous slippery slope. It is a big move but one who is serious about stopping and breaking free from this prison should consider it. 
• Also, it might sound weird but consciously making sure that I am not touching that area in any way. For example, making sure my sefarim or laptop is not lying on my lap which could unwittingly trigger a reaction. ( yeah.... ik it sounds weird right)
• making sure I am interacting on GYE with mentors and people is super important also because I realise I can't fight this battle alone.

Hatzlacha Rabba and stay strong- all of us really want to fight this freedom

Day 11 BH erev shabbos.
I am in contact with the tzaddikim here on GYE that can help. We are so lucky that there is such a culture created here that makes it the new normal to be mechazek each other.
Today was a bit difficult - I had a long drive yesterday and so was very tired. Made sure that I go to shachris and stay to learn after for a bit because I was not in the best of moods and that could have been fatal if I'd gone back to bed. Helped for a couple hours around in the house then went to rest. A few small urges as I was going to rest but nothing serious bh.
Gut shabbos chevra 

Day 13 clean BH, 
Was not easy today - I went to bed very late because of pesach cleaning and was exhausted the whole day. When I finally got home after having to do some errands, it was already evening. Then the yetzer hara made me realise that one of the devices at home has app store unblocked which in itself is not necessarily the worst thing - it is not like having an unfiltered browser, but for me personally, it can be very bad. I let myself download some silly social media site  and scrolled around for about 15 mins ( I didn't see or look for anything inappropriate; it was more just a bad habit of turning to such rubbish when I am tired and my defenses are down). After 15 min, I realised firstly that this could end up bad and it's not worth the pain that this will cause in the end, and also that the goyish world is so filled with hevel and futility. I deleted the app after that, then went to maariv, then got app store blocked so it can't happen again. I wouldn't call this a fall by any stretch - I didn't see or search for things that are ossur, but I thought I should share because it makes me realise how defenses are weakened when I am tired, stressed or hungry. BH I had the שכל to delete it and reblock app store before any catastrophe can happen. Also, by sharing it with you guys, it makes me realise that just because I didn't fall this time, does not mean it is ok to look at social media. I don't want the "גמרא של "נעשה כהיתר בעיני" to apply.

Huge win!

First of all, it's just plain awesome that you were able to see where you were going and stop. Then taking steps to make sure it won't start happening again is just icing on the hero cake. 

I also like how you were aware of the emotional triggers behind the urges. Being Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired are well recognized as dangerous situations for recovery (here's a random article ) and being aware that that is happening is crucial.

KOMT!

Day 17 clean bh
This morning I had one of the hardest challenges ever in my life in these inyanim. . I went to rest for a bit after shachris and a huge urge came to me. It was also access to WhatsApp channels that can have some not tzniyus stuff on it - not seriously bad like swimwear etc - just not tzniyus. The truth is I am not sure if I can block the channels at the moment. I really use WhatsApp a lot and don't want to get rid of it. Not even sure if it'll be the right thing to do. But bh I managed with huge effort to overcome the urges. Immediately afterwards I felt so relieved that I didn't give in bh. It was like my brain switched off for 20 mins and then when I'd left my room my brain turned back on. Bh I was successful this time. One of the factors that helped was the fact that people are there with me on the journey ( yesterday I was quoted in the GYE newsletter). I knew I was in a very dangerous position, I ran to the beis medrash and stayed there for 2.5 hours until lunch.
After bh overcoming the urge I was shaking for a few hours, just thinking what on earth happened and how close I was to succumbing. The truth is, I am still super shaken and I need to realise that I have just had a massive win. For some reason, I am just not feeling it. 
I had some pretty intense urges after this a couple times throughout the day but nothing like the morning one, and bh overcame them with the idea that I don't have to let these urges control me but I can stay in control.
Sorry if this post is not written so clearly - the truth is I am still a bit shaken from such a rough day coming out of the blue like that!
But another day goes past with me on the path to freedom and happiness! TYH

hishtadlus123 wrote on 10 Apr 2025 22:58:

Filters can block whatsapp channels. I have it with Gentech & Techloq. I recommend Techloq.....

Day 18 clean bh, erev shabbos and pesach.
It is not easy nowadays - I think my pink cloud phenomenon is finally over. I am more irritable, stressed and tired then before and I am having some urges. But apparently this is completely normal. The withdrawal process means my brain is rewiring in a much healthier way and so it is usual to feel weird and "angsty." The flight to freedom lessons really help paint a picture of what is actually going on. The journey is far from complete. 
May we all experience a chag with freedom and the ability to strive to reach happiness.

Good Yom Tov Chevra
Yesterday I had  a huge fall - with pornography, masturbation - a real serious fall. It started the night before where I got really severe urges. I managed to hold out until the next morning. I was sick yesterday with flu so here I was with really strong urges and a bit stuck because I didn't have enough strength to leave bed. Anyway, once I had told myself I was gonna fail, I tricked the person who has the filter password on my old iPhone (I don't even use a smartphone anymore) to unblock everything. From there started a horrific spiral - I spent the whole day in bed watching porn and masturbating - compulsively. I told myself that this time that it is too hard to hold out against the initial urges and I didn't have the strength for the battle. But once I told myself that, I felt that I might aswell enjoy it whilst I can - obviously deep down, my rational brain knew that there would not be a split second of enjoyment if I fail. This is how it ended up being such a bad day. I don't really know what I will do if such a thing happens again - I need some advice building the safeguards and also the motivation to restart this journey. Although, I must say that despite the severeity of the fall, I am slightly more optimistic that I would be in previous experiences, as I know that I have the chevreh here on GYE to be mechazek me. What do the oilam say?

re: safeguards. From a technical perspective, other smartphone filters that are not apple restrictions do not follow the same pattern of "turn off the filter to make changes". Maybe look into getting one of those?

Hey Guys
After a huge fall, today is day 7 of starting again. I am realsing that this is a long and hard journey with ups and downs but we will do this together!! Chazak veematz!!