Day 22 posting… Day 5 clean bh… longest streak I’ve had in a while. Must be the kedusha of YT. Not feeling confident going into tonight but I’ll be trying to distract. Iyh I’ll make it

Oh also, had a big win earlier today. Just want to have that on the thread. M was really biting at me while in the bathroom but I managed to distract and read a book about marriage. Bh won a big battle

Day 23 posting… day 1 clean… knew it was coming last night. Couldn’t really fight any longer. Proud of my longest streak in a while. Looking to do it again

Well nvm on that. Day 0 clean. Oish I need help

sytv2002 wrote on 15 Apr 2025 18:33:

Well, the good news is you're in the right place for that!

10/10 recommend picking up the phone today and calling a mentor.

Hatzlacha!

Day 24 posting… day 1 clean

*sigh*. Just feeling like a hypocrite, a liar, or a plain ol fool. Such guilt. Such feelings of shame and of being a straight out loser. That was a battle I should have won. I didn’t need to bring my phone in the bathroom. I wasn’t even having an urge. I was having an urge to induce an urge. An urge to poke around and that would produce an urge to which I could act out on. And that’s exactly what happened. Tomorrow’s another day. Please Hashem let it be a clean (and happy) one. 

Today is still there for you to be clean - for the rest of it... let's not wait until tomorrow....

Give me your hand, together we'll make it bez"h!

Day 25 posting… day 1 clean

sytv2002 wrote on 17 Apr 2025 05:22:

Oish - this hurts. Here's a warm hand.
Can you think of what perhaps may have triggered you to get into the state you're describing - of having a desire to "go looking"? A lot of times, if we're being honest - there's a feeling deep down of wanting to go out there a get lost in an urge. But it usually doesn't come from nothing. 
A lot of times this can happen when there's something that hurts - loneliness, anxiety, feeling hurt. The red haze of shmutz can be an escape, a way to numb the pain  (that's we've learned in the past) ...

Figuring out what happened makes it easier to understand, to have compassion on yourself, and to plan better for the future.... 

Stick around, you can beat this. It's going to take work, but it can be done!

Hang tight, 
Chaim Oigen

Thank you Thank you Reb Chaim. It literally warms my heart to know I have your support. 

I really need to think about this and get in touch with myself. It could be the loneliness. I’m in shidduchim and it hasn’t been easy. That’s a lonely feeling. It could be anxiety, with the fear of not finding my Eishes Chayil. Those are also reasons I use to justify my actions. “I’m not dating anyone so who really cares that I’m acting out”. Of course, I know that the thought is irrational, as if if I were dating someone I’d not act out. I was dating and still acted out. Iyh the next time I’m busy I won’t be acting out. Boredom does trigger the “urge to trigger an urge”. It could be a number of things, and it’s a whole new fight to get into. As if one fight wasn’t enough…

sytv2002 wrote on 18 Apr 2025 05:16:

GYE can help a bit with the loneliness... to share with some people who understand, who can relate. To get some of the burden off your chest... 
Hang on - the sun is rising, it's gonna be a beautiful day .

Chaim

Day 26 posting… Day 2 clean… yesterday indeed was a beautiful and clean day. 

Reb Chaim, posting has definitely helped with the loneliness is this regard, but I do feel it to be limited to only the areas of struggle. I don’t feel lonely in my struggle. I don’t even feel lonely in my everyday life. Bh I have plenty of friends. I feel lonely in not having that special someone to share that with. (It definitely doesn’t help that my childhood crush is now married and here for YT with her husband looking very unlonely

Day 27 posting… Day 4 clean… Chag was beautiful and clean Chasdei Hashem

Oy… just oy…. It’s crazy how I could have such a big win earlier today, when I got hit with a big urge while in the bathroom- and said “NO!” And stayed clean, and then motzei YT I fall apart and the urge wins. With P. It wasn’t even an urge. Just some robotic feeling that I “MUST” act out. Like I didn’t have a choice. So I poke. And then I find something which naturally gives me an urge; to which I act out on. Happy for my 3 (almost 4) clean day streak… onward we fight.