proudyungerman wrote on 20 Feb 2025 15:20:

မြန်မာစာနယ်ဇင်းအတွက် ၆

First milestone reached: 30 days without M. I think the last time I lasted this long was at the beginning of my marriage. It's amazing how, thanks to this forum, honesty, and faith in God, things start to fall into place on their own. Without minimizing my efforts—every message I've sent proves it—a sort of shift happened in my mind when I truly started coming to this forum and reading messages from people who managed to break free.But there's one thing I notice about myself and others as well: I made a huge deal out of this addiction, believing it was the cause of many of my problems. But that's not true. My problems are still here—when I struggle to study because my mind is filled with a thousand other worries, when I feel anxious about the future, when I feel like I'm not performing well enough and could do more, when I feel useless (something I've seen in others too), when I think I'm wasting too much time on my computer (again, something others have mentioned as well). I used to believe all of this came from my addiction, but in the end, it's all still here. All my anxiety, discomfort, and problems are still present.It's important not to fight the wrong battle. Overcoming and breaking free from M&P won’t completely fix me. But what’s certain is that everything I’ve learned from you, from this site, and from this forum to start overcoming this addiction are tools that can help with many other things.Thank you again! I know that 30 days doesn’t mean I’m completely free from my addiction, but I truly feel like this is just the beginning. Now, I can finally start trying to do things.



So, after this long message, my personal experience tells me that my addiction to P&M took up so much space that it hid many other problems. And in the end, this is just the start of a very long journey.



Otherwise, day 30-31-32 clean!!

My dear chaver yoshi  congratulations imh vieter and vieter!!!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Its clear that the only way to deal with any issues/insecurities/anxieties that we may have is to first get rid of our daily battle with lust and only then will our Mind be clear and clean enough to think straight about other issues and able to be honest about how to become more healthy productive normal human beings, but while were still wallowing smearing ourselves with more and more of this dirt it's hard to have a clear honest look.
  good look on the next part of the journey of life.!!!

Yesterday, I felt really alone despite having my family, my children, and my wife. Not being able to have physical intimacy due to my wife's status sometimes puts me in a state of distress. It makes me feel strange, as if I am a slave to my own needs.

I also realize that P&M used to provide a certain kind of comfort, a way to feel good physically, almost like a soothing hug from someone dear to me. This helps me understand the importance of this forum—it allows us to give and receive "hugs" when we need them. Being in contact with others and being able to share openly, without shame, is such an effective method in fighting addiction.

So yesterday, I felt lonely, but it didn’t trigger a real urge like before. Just knowing that I would have to write about it honestly on this forum helped calm my desires.

otherwise day 33 clean !!

I hear and understand you brother, so first off here's a big huge altehmirrer style hug!

Btw just for a piece of my great mind , it makes alot of sense to think like that, since we trained ourselves to only feel connected through sex, but in reality (altehmirrer reality) that is not a real connection at all! rather it's a escape! Iyh as we continue on this journey, we will learn and develop an emotional connection with ourselves and our  wives.... in and out of the bedroom, so the healthier we get (avade with the help from the greats!) the more connected and accepting and fulfilled we will feel. (talking to myself out loud on your thread, yea yea).

Hatzlocha! and again here's a warm hug from a kolteh mirrer!

altehmirrer wrote on 24 Feb 2025 21:32:

To continue the reflection, I’m not sure if it’s not a real connection. Personally, I see it more as an easier way to seek connection. For example, when I’m hungry, I have two options: I can either eat some store-bought tomato sauce with pasta that doesn’t taste great, or I can take the time, energy, and extra money to cook a proper meal, which will ultimately be of much better quality. I see relationships the same way.If we assume that this addiction is maintained by a difficulty in being at peace with ourselves when alone (I don’t know if this applies to everyone, but for me, I think it does), then ultimately, there is a search for connection. But because of the stress caused by the fear of facing ourselves, we quickly seek out the easiest pleasures that seem to fulfill that need, like P&M. But that doesn’t mean there’s no connection at all—it’s just that I never learned how to create a strong, stable, and healthy bond, even with myself and other because P&M entered my life too early and too quickly a took the idea of how to create a connection.That said, I do agree with your overall point about the necessity of forming a true, deep connection.In any case, your reflections really warm my heart—feel free to always share them in this thread!

Today has been a rough day on my end (since this topic isn’t in the B-B section, I’ll keep it very brief). I could say that the state of nidda  is sometimes difficult for both halves of the couple, and this morning I had to deal with this issue, and then some harchakot  weren’t respected.

Honestly, it was frustrating in the moment because I had mixed feelings—on one hand, my mind and conscience didn’t want to go through with it, but on the other hand, the excitement and the desire to please were too strong. But At the end I truly want something better for my marriage

Then, at lunchtime, I found myself searching in an online bookstore for inappropriate books. I didn’t download or read anything, nothing at all, but I don’t even know why I did it—just out of habit? Someone in this thread already mentioned that when you have an addiction to P, your brain gets "hacked" and starts translating various emotions into "I’m aroused, I need to seek out P." Maybe it was something like that.

Honestly, that moment of inappropriate closeness earlier really frustrated me, but at the same time, I felt drawn in, driven by a strong excitement, which led to contradictory thoughts in my head. Then, during my lunch break, I went looking for those inappropriate books—partly because of the indecent covers, and also to read something "exciting " even if i didn't read anything.

That being said, my streak is still holding . I’m keeping myself away from anything related to that "area" and even the urge is much weaker now. But there’s still that lingering curiosity to "discover things on the internet."

Day 35 clean !!

Day 36-37 clean!!

Today marks the day when, for the first time in over three years, I was able to go through the entire Nidda period without masturbating. incroyable !!!!

Shabbat Shalom and thank you all!

Seeing this just made my day

Have an amazing shabbos!!

36 is big number two times chai !!!! 
  r yoshi only gezunt geshmak derhieben leben !!    Ah gut shabbos 

Day 38-39-40 clean !!

Since last week, I haven't been feeling like myself. I can't be productive, and I have a very important deadline after Purim that will play a key role in my career. Because of this, my stress levels are constantly high.

I realize that I'm starting to want to escape and avoid doing what I need to do because this deadline is paralyzing me—it’s too stressful for me. And whenever I try to escape, what comes back in full force? The urge to look for pornographic images online. I find myself searching for loopholes in my filter in the late afternoon, not because I actually want to masturbate, but just to feel some excitement. The stress is hurting me, and I want to run away from it.

On top of that, another negative pattern is forming: a loss of direction. Let me explain. I'm on day 41 of my streak, which is longer than I've ever managed in years, but I can no longer congratulate myself or feel happy about it. Instead, I'm starting to think, What's the point of holding on? You're just depriving yourself of an easy source of pleasure that makes you feel good about yourself—masturbation. And when I start having these kinds of thoughts in the shower, it's a bad sign. In fact, just writing this right now is making my chest hurt.

I like having solutions to problems, knowing that if I follow a certain plan, I can train myself and succeed in what the program is designed for. But right now, I'm lost. I can't get out of this constant state of stress that’s really affecting my motivation. Even worse, it's leading me into paralysis, and that's the worst thing for me because it pulls me into depression. And when I’m depressed, I end up doing things that I regret later.

Ahhh, I hate this situation. It shows that I'm completely stuck, and I feel like there are closed doors in front of me. I can’t handle this stress or see how stress can actually be positive and help me move forward. Every time I feel stress, it paralyzes me. The more paralyzed I am, the more I sink into depression. And the more I sink into depression, the more I do things I’ll regret later.

Sorry , i feel for you. 

yoshi wrote on 04 Mar 2025 14:02:

Thank you for the honest share. Very relatable. 

I would first mention that depression is not a GYE problem, but it is a problem with solutions, as you are no doubt aware. 

I completely relate to stress, especially work stress, being a massive trigger. Sweet soothing porn feels like the best cure for so many problems. And as you wrote, it's not even that I want porn or masturbation then. I just want to be out of here. Learning how to face life head on and deal with it without using our sweet drug is perhaps the central point in many people's recovery. 

I think the way to get to that point of facing life is a two step process. First, learn how to manage those immediate waves of stress/urges. The F2F program has some excellent mindfulness techniques that you may find helpful. Simple things like distraction, breathing, a short tefillah may also be very helpful. Just learn how to handle that urgent feeling for a bit without giving in to porn so you have space to resolve that feeling.

The second step is learning how to live a life where that "stress ->porn" cycles doesn't exist. Meaning, of course stressful situations will never stop happening. But learning how to live a life where porn is not the solution to stress. This is obviously an extensive amount of work, but very possible, as many here can attest to.
I personally found Dov's twelve step lectures extremely helpful for this (link in my signature)

Regarding the loss of direction. This is also an extremely important and relatable point. At the end of the day, if masturbation gives you pleasure and abstinence gives you nothing, it's going to be extremely difficult to hold on to abstinence. As has been discussed many times on this forum, you have to learn how to find a pleasure in not giving in. That can be through the Battle of the Generation approach of learning to view "not giving in" as a positive thing that brings you closer to Hashem. That can be through 12 steps-style surrender. That can be done somewhat by remembering the pain acting out brings in its wake, by focusing on becoming a better person. 

Having a month+ of clean days under your belt is a great time to start actively working on that.

There are different tools and you have to determine what is the best fit for you. But one final point is that the swiss army knife tool of GYE is other people. 65% of the total pain if feeling like you are suffering alone (totally made up stat.) Connecting with some of the chevra on here and sharing how you are feeling is dynamite to lust. On top of that, you can get some really good eitzos from  people who have been in the exact same place you are in now.

More to say but need to get to work. Hatzlacha chaver, and KOT!