So I've been really busy these past few days, haven't been posting much, but I did have time to meet some holy people. I'm laughing at myself at how my knee jerk reaction to meeting was, Really!? You watched porn!? You suffered like me!? 
Its still a shock to me.
But that's the power of reaching out to the mentors on here, you realize that there's nothing wrong with you, if you watched porn or masturbated for years, or anything else you may have done. Your just a normal, good, healthy, heilige yid, that didn't have the tools to deal with this crazy environment that we live in.
And the main thing is that you could get past it, your not a lost cause.
You could become the person you really wanna be.

Love this attitude!

Keep on trucking and you'll be there before you know it!

Day 49!
My personal matan torah!

Ive been struggling with davening terribly, but since I've reached out and opened up about it, I now realize that many suffer with such issues.
Reb HHM told me that the best Pshat he could think of, is that, the satan is so mad at loosing a good customer like me, that he is investing all his efforts in stopping my davening. Since I changed my life around my davening has such immense power that he wants to stop me at all costs!
Didan natzach!! 

I meant to post this a bit ago, R Shimshon Pincus writes that what a pwrson could for shovavim is be careful with Krias Shma.
What i took out of it is, especially for us on GYE, that many people get so caught up with the scary stuff written about zera lvatala, that they cant recover.
R Shimshon is telling us what to focus on, take one thing. But the main thing is to work on yourself without the tochacha!

cleanmendy wrote on 18 Feb 2025 22:34:

I wonder if anyone on GYE who is still struggling, and even been clean for a while should even think about shovavim. It only brings up anxiety, pressure, and bad feelings. What's the point of thinking about something that's not going to help you in your journey? Wait until it can be a useful tool to help propel you to even further heights of Kedusha and Tahara.

What do you think?

(If you want to think about Shovavim, go the R' Leuchter route, as he doesn't mention zera levatala or any of the related inyanim at all. I have been following his weekly shiur on Shovavim and I've been loving it!)

I had an eye opening experience.
Ive been involved in a project recently. And today I'm not involved in it anymore, all the sudden everything is triggering me today, everywhere I went, was a nisayon.
I spoke to my friend about it , he said that first of all I'm allowed to have a hard day.
Also the fact that I was feeling so good about myself for being involved in this project, now were finished with it. I sub consciously felt down about it and a little empty.
Bh I reached out and I'm feeling much happier with myself now.

Day 58

Ive been feeling so triggered these days. Every woman I see I'm staring. I'm not feeling that great about myself. im also dealing with opening up about some trauma from my teen years which is a huge part of my healing process but its taking a toll on me.

Ill update you guys as I stay strong bezh.

I will not let the process of healing be the cause of my failing.

cleanmendy wrote on 27 Feb 2025 14:53:

Are you that guy in the parking lot of Gourmet Glatt whose got his phone plastered to his ear for the past half hour without talking to anyone, and bending down to tie your shoelaces for the fifteenth time? 

Come on. I can see what you're really doin', you gotta be classy about it like I am. Just sit and stare while idling in your car with your finger deep up your nose. 

Lol I needed that, They say humor fixes everything!

cleanmendy wrote on 27 Feb 2025 15:24:

I can just as easily break stuff with humor as fix.

youknowwho wrote on 27 Feb 2025 15:22:

Darn it I laughed so hard at this one that I scratched the inside of my nose with my nail and it really hurts.

The satmar rav used to say that what one of his chassidem see on a train ride from Williamsburg to Manhattan (which is right near each other ) is more peritsus then a yid saw in his whole life in the heim. 
    I say one trip to gourmet glatt nowdays is more peritsus then a train ride from Williamsburg to Manhattan ..... 

lamaazavtuni wrote on 28 Feb 2025 06:09:

I was thinking about this. And I suspect this is actually true. 

I'm not one for whitewashing history. My single favorite historical halachic fact is that there were Rabbonim in Italy during the time of the Rishonim who wanted to bring back the idea of a pilegesh so the bochurim would at least stop frequenting the non-jewish zonos. The gemara itself proclaims that the Jews only worshipped idols to allow arayos b'farhesya. Let's not pretend the shtettle was some monolith of pristine tahara. That's not the way the world works. 

But talking about the style of dress and hanhaga in public. If you see pictures of non-Jews or Jews from that time, and compare them to the average frum woman in Gourmet Glatt, it's absolutely crazy. Saying nothing about the people in the street jogging in underwear on the way to get to Gourmet Glatt. 

But I guess the response is, "So what"? The longer I bang my head against the wall here, the more I've come to accept that blaming the environment for my actions ends with more acting out. 

There are some very interesting walls

chosemyshem wrote on 28 Feb 2025 16:13:

This makes me cry
I once heard a real tzaddik say that the Chafetz Chaim once said that the women should just be told that the men aren't malachim and that's why they should be tzniusdig
Of course there are many perfectly tzniusdig frum women. But then again...
Yes, you are right, it's up to us to do our work, the environment notwithstanding. But it makes it so much harder...

Hashem, please end this galus already. It's just crazy what's going on.