yossis.smart wrote on 31 Jan 2025 14:57:

New?

What's wrong with the "old" one?

One day at a time BezH

Kol Tov Brother Yossi 

Wow, have I been late to this party!!

Such an inspirational thread Reb Yossi!

The pain, the gains, the turmoil, yet the plans of the YH you continue to foil......

Keep knocking!!

With much brotherly love,
Muttel

BenHashemBH wrote on 31 Jan 2025 15:10:

Thanks BenHashem! Now that I see I can, I'll just continue this thread on the Wall of Honor. Be'h I will post at least once a week until 180 days.

Challenging morning.  My wife woke me up in the middle of the night to remind me of her fears that someone from the community may have seen me acting out or know of my addiction; she asked me to recount details of a fall in a public place around 8 years ago that is causing these fears.

Then she went into a recently consistent theme - if you did something wrong in x place, how could you go back and try to do something good there? Maybe someone will know you? Or even if not, how could you think you should try to get involved when you are an addict, and as such, you are not ready to make the world a better place? Start with yourself until....?

I answered that I very much understand her fears and pain and deeply apologize for my behavior and what it caused her.  I also said that if someone does know and mentioned this, I would respond that I own that I have given into addiction for many years but that I am now working hard on my recovery, and I hope Hashem will help me be safe today.

Didn't sleep the rest of the night.  I'm back in the mind loop of thinking I am irredeemable, even as I am closing in on 100 days of good sobriety, and that I will never be successful in my family life, parnassah or aspirations because I will keep going through the process of trying and nothing working out as a punishment for my bad deeds.

Its a bad mind loop and I try to get past it. When my wife pushes it, its very hard to keep working and hope for positive outcomes.

My yetzer harah is pretty good at pulling this trick out of the bag just when I start getting my life together and getting serious work done.

R yozel  stay strong !!!cause even if your wife's putting you through the loop   we think a lot of you here(at least me)     and your a huge inspiration never never give up.

Good morning. I need somewhere to kvetch.

My wife's spiritual journey is so confusing - at times it feels she is getting messages from Hashem directly, at times i feel its from the Soton.  But she depends on this communication to keep her sane when she is alone in bed all day and unable to communicate with the outside world, and to guide her to recovery in her health.

I have extreme appreciation for her and I am lucky to be married to such a special person.

We have talked to Rabbanim, who said her methods are permissible, and mainly asking whether I support her in her journey.  
My wife just called the Rabbanim back to ask for their continued support, telling me she wanted to talk to them alone, and told them when asked that I fully support her.
But I can't! its so confusing! I don't know! I go crazy from this all day back and forth in my mind, especially when she tells me to do things that are illogical to my limited experience and foresight or that seem to stem from her prior traumas and fears, much of it from my addiction.
So I told her this morning I need to talk to one of the Rabbanim and just relay my concerns, maybe we can find a mekubal who can give me reassurance that I should just always listen to my wife, or how to handle the situation.
Then she tells me she first wants to tell this Rov privately all my history of acting out, lying, that I am spiritually insensitive etc. This is not a Rov I am very close with, but she has been in touch with personally a lot for her previous work.
I said to her after some hesitation that she should go ahead and I will support her. I just need to get clarity.
I feel this spiritual journey has been tearing apart our marriage and challenging my sanity and my sobriety. 

Nothing I don't deserve. I deserve much worse. But it is challenging that Hashem throws this all at me when I am broke, trying really hard to stay sober, overwhelmed with life.

94 days. All I know is - I need stay sober today.

Oish! 
Please stop saying you deserve much worse.................that is neither here not there. 
We are not in Shamayim and we have no clue why and what for. 
Its perfectly possible that you were a huge tzadik in the previous gilgul and you came down to help others by staying strong. Or maybe you just need to go thru a little bit more to become pure. WE DONT KNOW ANYTHING. 
Let your wife figure out her journey on her own. I dont think the spiritual journey is the issue. I think you need to see a good marriage therapist and here what he says. There are some chushiva people out there that can guide you. 
But dont conflate the 2 issues. 
You need to work on your sobriety for YOU. Nobody else. And not because of anything that will or will not happen in you lose or win. 
You need and want to stay clean for your own self. For your neshama that is keeping you alive and deservs to have a clean mind to reside in. 
You need to do this for your future self. For your family. 
There are more that 90,000 reasons on GYE alone why you should stay clean. That should motivate you. 

Good luck and stay sane out there. 

P.S. Did you ever talk or meet HHM? 

My tayeraeh R yoizezel  !!!!     One things forsure shmemiras ainayim and shmeeras habris. Is the yesoid (ayen sham the secorim hakedoishem ) the more your foundation is strong the more you'll be able to handle  and the more you'll be in touch with yourself  and your inner feelings (which would probaly help the shalom bayis part from your end and s).   So keep strengthening that yesoid!!!!!!
                zi gekvetched.   

yossis.smart wrote on 04 Feb 2025 15:36:

I absolutely will not comment on the shalom bayis/health situation here. Though I wish you much hatzlacha.

I love your strength and determination.

I just want to point out one dynamic, that's very common. When you pushed back a little there and she effectively  threatened to "reveal your secret", so many of us would have backed down in a heartbeat. The overwhelming shame and guilt makes it impossible for us to stick up for ourselves, even in situations where we are 100% correct. Being able to face that shame and not letting it shackle you from doing what you think you need to do is huuuge. 

It's huge in two ways. First, now you can be a functional person and do what you need to do. Second, it's an integral part of recovery. Feeling ashamed and lowly is something that keeps us down in the garbage.

Hatzlacha.

from my vantage point this does not sound healthy at all. find a rov that is grounded and logical and to whom you can speak with alone. your wife cannot fix your problems no matter how spiritual she may be.

Thanks all for the listening/responses!

I recognize that it would be very hard for most people just to wrap their head around my situation, and this is coming from people with whom I've shared a small portion of what's going on. So I will just say that for practical suggestions this is going to be a toughie for all the very caring and thoughtful members on this forum. But happy to reach out to HHM and will do so.

Most Rabbanim would simply not be qualified due the nature of the issue, and unfortunately marriage counseling would not address the core issue here. Somehow despite my addiction (or because of it) my wife and I are very devoted to each other.

I will say that I really appreciate chosemyshem's comment. The fact that I am ready to be fully open about my addiction is only due to my success over the past 94 days.  In truth, my wife is much more afraid then me that someone will find out about my addiction.

My wife decided she wouldn't tell the Rov in the end. I'm just going with the flow and trying to be the best person and husband I can be.

Not sure where this is heading, but I've had to learn a lot of patience in life. 

Ok bh things are taking a turn for the better in our relationship. There will be a lot of adjusting needed as time goes on.

I'm doing a lot of meditation in the morning and throughout the day, asking Hashem to allow me to seek what He wants from me at all times.

#97 days

Keep it up brother. !!!!      Could I make a early LCHAIM for you on shabbos altz 100 days?!

Hi, I just want to thank you for what you've shared, no 2 people are the same but I am struggling with loneliness and feel sorry that I can't help other than daven. If it helps, your posts have softened my feeling of loneliness.
Thank you

100 days sober has arrived b"h!

Tough day today. I gave a go-ahead to something I had approved by Rabbanim, but my wife got a spiritual message that it needs to be undone and redone in a very specific way that seemed illogical.
One one hand it felt very freeing - because the spiritual messaging has felt very controlling. But it didn't feel good to let my wife down. 
Complicated stuff.  Nothing directly involving addiction but its not easy to maneuver, to be patient with and trust the process, and to hold my serenity.

If Hashem is repaying me in kind for the pain I put my wife through - He is doing a great job. I have no qualms about being מצדיק את הדין.

Thanks for letting this challenged guy kvetch.