Hi everyone,
My story is on this forum https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/390141-Self-Doubts
I'm now hopefully going to go on a inner work journey of changing the way I relate to urges.
I hope this will allow me to overcome the struggles of sexual fantasies that are in my thoughts and emotions.
Cutting it short for now since it is busy erev shabbos.
Be'ezras Hashem I plan on to continue posting almost every day to 90 days.

Amazing. Hatzlacha and keep us updated!

I don't know if you've been in touch with any of the chevra here before, but there are many wonderful people here who have done this avodah, and would love to talk it out with you. In addition to the inherent benefits of connecting honestly with another fighter, you'll learn alot. There's no need to walk this path alone. . .

Thank you to all who have viewed this thread.

I have realized that the urges for sexual fantasies, porn (or viewing inappropriate images) and masturbation (my apologies to all that are scared of these words, but it important to call them out for what they are, it helps deflate the bubble around it) are
1) a need for pleasure and connecting to myself, and
2) I feel the craving for it in my head, just like the craving for coffee (for all those who are familiar with coffee addition (btw, I'm also withdrawing from coffee now).

To be honest and open, (before I write this I have a fear of being judged, but if you judge me that is not my issue, think about this (I'm writing "think about this" from my maggid shiur/maishiv habit)) long parentheses, no?
again, To be honest and open, last night I had cravings of the above, so I took a shower, put on some good scent on my body, gave myself a bit of a massage (in permitted places of the body) in bed, and most importantly, let myself feel that I can just let go, and that was it... I was able to say ותהא מיטתי שלימה לפניך in hamapil (meaning no discharge in bed) with a whole heart.

Comments are appreciated (as all of the chevra here)

m111 wrote on 30 Jun 2024 13:15:

Not sure anyone here is in a position to judge, though I completely get the fear...
Sounds to me like you found a way to wind yourself down - for me it might be a bit close to the edge, but I could see it being helpful- being kind to yourself and all

You have to know yourself, what is safe, what is dangerous. It sounds interesting. I had a very good tekufa of being clean, I used to do push ups in the shower and it made me feel strong and powerful, able to overcome my bad habits. I don't recall exactly how it worked, or if I knew, but I remember it helped. Maybe just something else to focus on.

Thank you for your responses.

Yesterday I had an urge at night, but I turned on powerful music (chabad nigunim) and mediated about my life and what I am. I let myself flow with the music and got me in a state of conscience of myself. The urge was very much diminished.
Anyone relate?

m111 wrote on 01 Jul 2024 13:44:

I think you've got a 2-for-1 special. Distraction is a great tool to push away urges. All the better to also have a moving self-reflection. Music has a strong ability to affect our moods. I'm glad you have found something that worked so well for you and hope it continues to help you on your journey of growth. I've not used music specifically to combat urges, but I definitely use it to pick me up and provide energy when I need to push through something. Singing is great too, really feeling the nigun or words in your bones.
Hatzlacha!

Checking in, yesterday was just an urge, I managed it by realizing that I would want to post what happened, and would not want to be dishonest here on the forum, so it past.
It is not my focus of the change I am trying to do, but it worked.

I learned this morning in a chssidus sefer about רצון, how it controls all the emotions. However I think that I need to develop real desire (רצון) not just "wishes" which is many times mistaken for "desire".

m111 wrote on 02 Jul 2024 13:51:

Very nice, thank you for sharing.
I have a personal aversion to wishes. Mostly because I think the fact that they are "free" cheapens the whole thing for me.
As you say, ratzon, a real desire, this is something that we value and therefore purse. There is internalization and effort involved that develops lasting change.
Use all your available tool and have continued hatzlacha

Yesterday had urges, but managed.

good job buddy, keep it up.

on the topic of ratzon and wishes, I once heard a podcast w David Green (any BP fans?) discussing the difference between wants and wishes. we all have wishes. we wish we were wealthy healthy successful.... v'chulu v'chulu. wishes are just fun fantasies. how lovely it would be if said wish materialized. i'ts more of a dream.
wants on the other hand are powerful. אין דבר העומד בפני הרצון. if you decide that you want this, you will figure out how to achieve it one way or another.

(i like seeing ideas from toira in outside sources)

I think to myself, Hashem seems interesting (don't worry I'm not a kofer by saying this, just read on), what does He actually have in it with what He wants (think our serving him, especially in a real way concerning our kedusha)? Actually I think that this is what it means that we cannot understand Hashem. That means that if we compare our understanding to what He wants it does not necessarily make sense. However, this is what He wants, and let it become what I want.

The urges come and go.
I think to myself, do I really care to be free of looking and thinking inappropriate things?
Is my working on this just reacting to needs not to hurt myself, or do I really want something of myself.
Is what's driving me the purpose of life? Or some other factors?

A thought,
Hashem doesn't want a world without porn and masturbation garbage (He could of just created the word without it, if that's what was needed), He wants a word that recognizes thought its own recognition that it is something to get rid of, and we get rid of it.

m111 wrote on 07 Jul 2024 12:48:

That is exactly correct!