I had a fall today.
I am tired of this i see that waiting for things to change isint working.
and again i am reminded by the fact that i hsve spent many years on this battle and still continue to fail quite often i have used a lot of tools and now am cutting of media so the question is what's next and I don't know. 

I know I was making a lot of progress up until this point and that change in my schedule through me off and I am now a bit depressed after falling like this.
I want to pick up the pieces and move forward I am not sure what to do. 

What I really want is for my next attempt to be 30 days or beyond but I don't know what it will take I feel like their is only so much more I can do and starting to lose hope of making it to being long term clean if I have been working at it for so long without making progress

My self asteem is in the trash my hope is on its way there too.

I am not happy with who I am and I am using this as a way to soothe myself which is only making the problem worse.

I don't see a way out.
when my self-esteem was in a better place i still was falling from time to time but not as much. 

notezy wrote on 03 Jun 2024 15:48:

My friend, if years of battling isn't progress then I don't know what is.

Hey.

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Your tenacity and drive to overcome this struggle is amazing. 

How long have you been on GYE without making significant progress? If you've been trying the program for a significant amount of time without progress, maybe it's time to speak to someone at GYE about moving things up a notch. Perhaps with a 12 steps group, perhaps with therapy...

Sincerely,

Someone who also feels like they're not making progress and is therefore considering 12 steps.

KOSMT!

gye365s wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:19:

??
Years of battling is not progress. It might be personal growth, it might demonstrate amazing grit, it may make Hashem very happy. But progress on some level is defined by external results. 
Progress is also defined by internal growth. But that's very hard to measure, and just because someone is battling doesn't necessarily mean they are undergoing internal change. They may in fact be slamming their head into a brick wall for no growth and only pain.

Edit: I don't mean to disagree with the pump-up. Notezy is crushing it, and I'm sure he's downplaying the internal growth and external change because he's feeling down. I'm just disagreeing with the formulation of the pump-up.

It's great to have many years of work under my belt but if I am stagnant at the bottom of the ladder with all this work under my belt  in terms of length of time between falls and this is with me making it such a major focus of day to day life. 
How can I focus on other things I don't want this to be what defines my day to day life I want to conquer this demon and keep him in a cage so I can live a life.

Part of this is me being bitter with myself for acting out I recognize that but these are also actual concerns.
Why can't I make better progress.
I know I shouldn't compare to others.
I am not satisfied with being told this might just be your main nisyon in life.
I honestly think I can't live a normal life without this under control it wouldn't be fair to my partner if I tried to get married like this that Is a major factor why I won't accept the answer of its a nisyon for life.
And at my age I got what 2 maybe 5 years roughly to get my sh*t together to get married in a normal time frame. And I dont see that happening at the rate I am going.
Not to mention all the other problems this can cause in my life if I don't make progress in the area mentioned above 

chosemyshem wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:21:

Roughly 1 or 2 years its been longer if you don't count gye but the exact number is fuzy.
I haven't really considered this I don't know we're to start

chosemyshem wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:26:

Accurate 

I feel your pain. Not one of the big machers here with answers to everything.
but I really do feel your pain. after a fall I have these feelings questioning if I’ll ever beat it or how long will it take. All I know is I can’t live a fulfilling good life with a happy family if I don’t have this under control and as long as I’m here fighting and learning and trying. eventually the tide will turn.

funbuchur wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:35:

I appreciate the kind words.
the question is: is the tide turning in a reasonable and practical time frame? If not what will make it

If someone has info on this 12 step phone call thing and can give me the info who to contact.
I am intrested and have "nothing to lose"

Hi Notezy, 
I have something that will work IYH. 

Please reach out to me in private. 

i think a lot of people here also were working on this for years with no progress, then at one point it just kind of starts really going. You talked about cuttign off media, I always thought that was impossible for me, never made any progress at all whatever i tried. I was so addicted i didnt bother with job training or learning to drive.  And now i've go for weeks or months without it, minus a few falls.
I  read once that lion tamers train the lions by letting them attack the whip. The lions think it's part of the tamer's body, and go right for it. When they see they can't hurt the whip, they give up. He's invincible. When all it would take is going at another angle.
You said you tried a bunch of tools. I dont really know what to suggest, but are these tools addressing the root of the problem? DO you feel liek you know where and why the slide down to a fall starts?  As for cutting out media, maybe the difficulty you are having now is connected to the withdrawl? idk.

Update 100 it's time for change. 
I took the day off.
I see that the depression from the things i gave up combined with the tiredness from the day of work combined to make a storm that I wasn't ready for.
It's not the end of the world but like i said yesterday the point still stands not enough change.
I need to try some new things I am still open to the 12 step program waiting for an email back hopefully I got the right email...

I think I am going to try to find a way to incorporate the F2F program into my life again the reason i never did it was because i found it tedious and impractical to fill out the forms especially while trying to stay off my computer but i am starting to use it more for classes again so if i can download it to a pdf and transform that into a Google doc i can do from my phone.. I am going to try that see if I can keep on top of it without it feeling like its ineffective  impractical and a burden... 
I am also reading the book (TBOTG) from time to time while on the bus althoug i am not committing to reading it as much anymore i still want to finish but i am reading a lot of books right and dont want to devote the headspace needed to think about it all the time...
I am more intrested right now in reinvigorating my meditation practice I found a really intresting jewish book on it written by someone overqualified to talk about it... anyways going to try to implement stuff like that the end goal being mindful throughout the day while being calm and able to let urges pass more easily as well as this will probably help get out the rut of depression...
anyways this is all good talk and theory.
Now that I am In a calmer headspace then yesterday I can admit I did make progress I will say I am still In a danger zone with the depression...
Like my friend says "Depression is the result of un-meet expectations."
But overall I was hitting closer to 10 day streaks and was on an overall upward trajectory although i would still say this is not enough for the time frame I want to start dating in and I need a more drastic change.

End of Day 1