Still clean from masturbation.

Been looking at some content that, to be totally honest, crosses the line. Trying to focus on the positive while not minimizing the real problem of the negative.

Had a thought on a Rashi in this weeks parsha relevant to this. 

The posuk says, "וַיְהִי֙ ק֣וֹל הַשֹּׁפָ֔ר הוֹלֵ֖ךְ וְחָזֵ֣ק מְאֹ֑ד"

Rashi asks an interesting question. Why start weaker? Why not just be infinitely strong the whole time?

Rashi says a fascinating answer, "וְלָמָּה כָּךְ מִתְּחִלָּה? לְשַׂבֵּר אָזְנֵיהֶם מַה שֶּׁיְּכוֹלִין לִשְׁמֹעַ".  We're used to hearing that phrase by anthropomorphisms of G-d. What does that mean here?

I think Rashi's saying if the shofar had started at the highest level people wouldn't be able to comprehend it. But by starting at a human level, the yidden were able to follow along as it grew higher and higher.

Powerful yesod for life. There are things that are impossible. But start doing the possible, and you can grow along with it until you're doing the impossible. Something to keep in mind on days like it feels impossible to stay clean. It takah might be impossible. But start with doing the possible and sometimes the impossible follows.

But the other way is true too.

I apologize for reading a little bit too much of a drush into this, but see how the Ibn Ezra phrases the same question and answer: אולי עשה כן השם שלא היה חזק בתחלה שלא יצא לבם מהפחד.

There are things in life that we would never, ever do. Things that if someone asked us to do them we would flee in fear. But if it starts off slowly, and we get used it, step by step we move deeper and deeper into places we would've been terrified to be. Until we look back over our shoulder and realize how deep we got into this swamp. Many times we think "I never want to do that." That's a red line I'd never cross. But this small indulgence isn't so scary. But the way of life is that the small things get us adjusted until suddenly we're in middle of something that we thought was terrifying. 

Stay away from the first small step.

Checking in.

Home today with a sick kid. Hard to be productive but harder to act out. B"H.

Heard a beautiful thought yesterday. There's a group that sends out a weekly short shuir based on the torah of R' Shlomo Hoffman. Happens to be I signed up for the email awhile back and never listened to the shuir till this week. But R' Stern shared a beautiful thought.

Apparently, R' Hoffman was very bothered by having normal bochur yetzer haras and would get very down when machshavos or hirhurim would pop into his head. R' Isaac Sher told him the following short vort. The posuk says in next week's parsha: "אַנְשֵׁי־קֹ֖דֶשׁ תִּהְי֣וּן לִ֑י"

Said R' Isaac. It doesn't say "Be holy angels." It says "Be holy men." With all your yetzer hara, desires, and imperfections, be holy. Having desires is not a problem. The goal is to choose to be holy, not to somehow not have any desires.

Apparently R' Isaac then invited him to have a "date" with his yetzer hara and get to know it. Worth giving a listen to.

Anyway. Feeling a bit more in control today. Had a nice incident that's more appropriate for the baal habayis side of the forum but I'll share in general terms.

My wife has been sick and also grumpy at me the whole week. And not only were we not together, time is running out before her anticipated assur time. So yesterday I had all those feelings of "I need to be satisfied before it's too late." And on top of that I've been definitely crossing some lines with filter poking etc. so I "needed" a "release". So prior to night seder I made it clear to my wife I deserved some intimacy.

On my way home from night seder I was thinking about it. And I was able to drive home to myself that being together in that way is not what I want, and also not helpful. I got home and (suprise!) she was asleep. B"h I'd already done the hard part and was able to just go to sleep without being resentful and disappointed.Anyway. Despite not masturbating it was nowhere near as clean a week as it should have been. Some filter poking and reading content that really crossed a line. yes, I was fighting with my wife and mega burnt out at work. But I gotta internalize that those are not excuses to act out or to get near acting out. Because if those are excuses then I'm never gonna get clean. There's always some excuse.

Checking in early to share an amazing moment.

Some heavy life happened over last night and this morning. Nothing very major b"h, but life. And I woke up late and was feeling down.* B'kitzur, by the time my kid's very late carpool came I missed minyan. And a thought popped into my head to act out. And it wasn't just one of those passing thoughts that pop in and then pop out the other ear. No. This was a real, final, decision made in a heartbeat. 

I was ready to go. Somehow though, and I have no idea how, I found the presence of mind to surrender the urge. It was amazing. Not only was the urged nuked from orbit, instead I used that time for one of the best shachrises I've had in a long time. It really felt great.

At least, until I realized when I was done that it was already ten o'clock and I was super freaking late for work. And then I checked my phone and saw I had two missed calls from the office and an impatient text from my boss. But I don't regret it. I felt like I went m'afeilah l'ohr gadol.

*
And because "surrender" is a vague term (at least it feels like that to me who doesn't do SA) I'll be maarich a little on the process I did because I think it's a very helpful tool.

1. I realized that I had already fully committed to the fall and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Yeah, I could have run out of the house screaming, but that wouldn't have done jack for the unresolved life that was driving me towards escaping. Best I could've done was delayed a bit.
2. I contemplated briefly that even though I can't solve this problem, Hashem can and is interested in doing so.
3. I mentally reviewed the things that were driving me to act out, and identified very broadly and briefly the negative middos at work behind those things.
4. I davened a short tefillah, telling Hashem I'm ready to give up these negative middos and asking him to remove them so that I can live the life he wants me to live and be close to him.

I felt like an inescapable burden was lifted off my shoulders. And in the end I was able to use the time to daven for all the life stuff going on, instead of escaping into porn and adding feeling like a piece of garbage to the pile. Feeling very grateful.

B"h after working on the 3 circles plan for a bit, I was able to get up, get a drink, pause for a minute, and do a little more surrendering. I blocked the loophole without exploiting it. 

chosemyshem wrote on 19 Feb 2025 23:01:

Tell us more about that drink! Woodford?