amevakesh wrote on 30 Jan 2025 00:12:

The difference between this and that, is probably you were trying to use that to stop looking at "inappropriate" things. If I wanna look at inappropriate things, I'm gonna delete my history. I'm not ready for that level of honesty. 

I want to not cover up things that are not inappropriate, and I just cover up for convenience. I want to leave that way of of living with lies. 

Checking in.

I'm coming down with something. Nose hasn't stopped running all day. And I'm stuck with two separate simchos this shabbos. Blah.

Today's two weeks clean from porn. About 18 days from masturbation. Feels good.

I had a brutal day yesterday. Long, pressured, and to top it off, was feeling sick. 

Can't say I handled it perfectly. But b"h I didn't have to resort to lust to escape. I'm grateful for that.

Have a shabbos!

Checking in. 

Still sick. Still clean. 

B"h

Checking in.

Did some filter poking today that I'm not happy about. Very burnt out at work and just wanted to not be there. That's not a good excuse though.

At the end of the day, I think one element of what makes the good times good is staying away from that first sip of lust. So did I see anything today that was super stimulating? No. But going and looking at anything is going and taking a first sip of lust. And that first sip pretty much always stirs up a thirst for a second, deeper, sip. So now I'll have to deal with urges that I otherwise wouldn't have to.

Recognizing that cycle and trying to stay away from it is so helpful for me. Today that didn't happen.

To share a partial win. Today was a lousy day. Woke up late and still sick. Didn't want to get up and stayed in bed reading till I was super late for work and had to daven fast and dash to the office. When I got to the office I had a strong urge to just check out for the day. I recognized though, that checking out was asking to start down the filter poking path. So I set a knas in place and accepted that I'd have to sacrifice my desire to check out of life in order to stay clean. 

Stuck to that very solidly for most of the day. At the end of the day I ran out of gas. 

Checking in.

Feeling somewhat better. Physically that is. Urge-wise, I definitely got smacked around hard from yesterday's filter poking. B"h I stuck to my gedarim and made it through unscathed.

It's a lot harder to fight when you're under the weather. I'm still so congested it's hard to think properly. But maybe that's why I haven't had many urges until today.
-
Went to alot of simchos recently b"h. Also went to a very sad shiva, and heard of some other truly sad events.*

It was interesting to me that I didn't notice a difference in shmiras eynaim difficulty between a simcha and a shiva call. I struggled the same with the woman who decided to stand directly in front of me and bend over to talk to the avel as I did with my cousin's attractive cousin. But one did leave me with a lot more determination to put in the work while there's time.

So it goes.

*

Good dov post: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes?limit=15&start=150#266571

chosemyshem wrote on 06 Feb 2025 16:14:

Wow wow what a post, so smart and powerful.

I love all your links in your signature, Thank you.

Late check in.

"Why?" You might wondering. Well, it's a late check in because I'm putting in some work late at night at home.

You're probably still wondering, "why would you do a fool thing like that?"

Well, it's pretty simple. If you have a task with an urgent deadline of Friday morning (and by urgent I mean it absolutely must get done so the big boss can file it in the circular filing bin on time). But it's an unpleasant task - as they all tend to be. And so if you spend 3/4 of the day procrastinating on it by distracting yourself online and slowly, ever slowly, circling round and round the whirlpool of filter poking until eventually you slide right into the depths of yam hatalmud haporn. Well, then it turns out you have to work late to finish the task since somehow it didn't finish itself while you were acting out.

Still clean from masturbation. Might not be but wasn't so stimulated by what I was looking at. Had a nice 20 days there clean from porn too, and I'm grateful for that.

I must start being serious about daily chizzuk so I remember to fight. Or at least every other day. Suggestions? I do text a chaver daily, and have been pretty consistent about posting. Reading/listening to chizzuk tends to slip my schedule though.

Blah!

Wow I'm slightly in awe how you start getting yourself in a nisayon and don't finish !! ASHRECHA  you really inspire me !!! 

Checking in.

Got to work and set right to continuing where I left off yesterday. B"h at a crucial moment a chaver called. Had a really great schmooze and I was able to get my feet back under me to continue for the rest of the day. 

Just goes to show that you never know how much you might be helping someone. Harbei shluchim lamokom. To be clear, this guy is something like zero days clean. He didn't give me chizzuk or mentorship. Mostly he gave me hard hitting cynical truths (and a new great yiddish phrase). But the conversation and connection helped me redirect.

Thank you chaver.

Looking forward to shabbos. Have a good one, boys.

Checking in.

Shabbos was a nice reset b"h. Still need to do something about my attitude to work or else last week is just gonna repeat itself all over again.

A nice hashgacha story. My wife was gonna take the kids out of town for the day. Historically, wife outta town = guaranteed binge. Absolutely no exceptions. Something about that "opportunity" needs to be grabbed.

This time I had a different approach in mind. Instead of gearing up for the "battle" I tried to reframe it as just another day. Meaning, the more it becomes a time to fight the more I'm magnifying the opportunity (an opportunity to "win" a "battle" is still an opportunity. The more there's an "opportunity" the more likely I'm gonna use it the wrong way). I actually think this had a good chance at working. Twas based on Dov's advice on the Desparados call after my last wife outta town binge.

B"h instead of going out of town she (and all the kids) got the flu. So life it tough but at least it's clean.

I'm not making a big deal out of being "saved" though. That's still just playing in to the "opportunity" mindset. Instead, I'm just trying to accept that Hashem's ratzon is to be home with the sick kids instead of being home alone. But no matter how Hashem's ratzon presents itself I'm just taking it and rolling with the flow.

chosemyshem wrote on 09 Feb 2025 19:14:

Wise words. Refua Shleima to the family.

Checking in. Bh a clean day. Just wish it would have been a productive day. Alas.

Still clean from masturbation.

Been looking at some content that, to be totally honest, crosses the line. Trying to focus on the positive while not minimizing the real problem of the negative.

Had a thought on a Rashi in this weeks parsha relevant to this. 

The posuk says, "וַיְהִי֙ ק֣וֹל הַשֹּׁפָ֔ר הוֹלֵ֖ךְ וְחָזֵ֣ק מְאֹ֑ד"

Rashi asks an interesting question. Why start weaker? Why not just be infinitely strong the whole time?

Rashi says a fascinating answer, "וְלָמָּה כָּךְ מִתְּחִלָּה? לְשַׂבֵּר אָזְנֵיהֶם מַה שֶּׁיְּכוֹלִין לִשְׁמֹעַ".  We're used to hearing that phrase by anthropomorphisms of G-d. What does that mean here?

I think Rashi's saying if the shofar had started at the highest level people wouldn't be able to comprehend it. But by starting at a human level, the yidden were able to follow along as it grew higher and higher.

Powerful yesod for life. There are things that are impossible. But start doing the possible, and you can grow along with it until you're doing the impossible. Something to keep in mind on days like it feels impossible to stay clean. It takah might be impossible. But start with doing the possible and sometimes the impossible follows.

But the other way is true too.

I apologize for reading a little bit too much of a drush into this, but see how the Ibn Ezra phrases the same question and answer: אולי עשה כן השם שלא היה חזק בתחלה שלא יצא לבם מהפחד.

There are things in life that we would never, ever do. Things that if someone asked us to do them we would flee in fear. But if it starts off slowly, and we get used it, step by step we move deeper and deeper into places we would've been terrified to be. Until we look back over our shoulder and realize how deep we got into this swamp. Many times we think "I never want to do that." That's a red line I'd never cross. But this small indulgence isn't so scary. But the way of life is that the small things get us adjusted until suddenly we're in middle of something that we thought was terrifying. 

Stay away from the first small step.

Checking in.

Home today with a sick kid. Hard to be productive but harder to act out. B"H.

Heard a beautiful thought yesterday. There's a group that sends out a weekly short shuir based on the torah of R' Shlomo Hoffman. Happens to be I signed up for the email awhile back and never listened to the shuir till this week. But R' Stern shared a beautiful thought.

Apparently, R' Hoffman was very bothered by having normal bochur yetzer haras and would get very down when machshavos or hirhurim would pop into his head. R' Isaac Sher told him the following short vort. The posuk says in next week's parsha: "אַנְשֵׁי־קֹ֖דֶשׁ תִּהְי֣וּן לִ֑י"

Said R' Isaac. It doesn't say "Be holy angels." It says "Be holy men." With all your yetzer hara, desires, and imperfections, be holy. Having desires is not a problem. The goal is to choose to be holy, not to somehow not have any desires.

Apparently R' Isaac then invited him to have a "date" with his yetzer hara and get to know it. Worth giving a listen to.

Anyway. Feeling a bit more in control today. Had a nice incident that's more appropriate for the baal habayis side of the forum but I'll share in general terms.

My wife has been sick and also grumpy at me the whole week. And not only were we not together, time is running out before her anticipated assur time. So yesterday I had all those feelings of "I need to be satisfied before it's too late." And on top of that I've been definitely crossing some lines with filter poking etc. so I "needed" a "release". So prior to night seder I made it clear to my wife I deserved some intimacy.

On my way home from night seder I was thinking about it. And I was able to drive home to myself that being together in that way is not what I want, and also not helpful. I got home and (suprise!) she was asleep. B"h I'd already done the hard part and was able to just go to sleep without being resentful and disappointed.Anyway. Despite not masturbating it was nowhere near as clean a week as it should have been. Some filter poking and reading content that really crossed a line. yes, I was fighting with my wife and mega burnt out at work. But I gotta internalize that those are not excuses to act out or to get near acting out. Because if those are excuses then I'm never gonna get clean. There's always some excuse.