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Good morning checking in.

Sunday my kid was having a temper tantrum over some project he wasn't able to do. Just got overwhelmed and cried alot. I gave him a little fatherly lecture about how trying is important even when you think you can't and how you never learn new things if you give up too easily.Anyway, then Sunday afternoon was rough. Kids were wild, wife was grumpy, I did some budgeting and got very depressed over how little I'm making because I procrastinate too much. Then to top it all off night seder was a total waste of time.
So then naturally last night I had some medium urges to masturbate. 

Fortunately, the lecture I gave my kid popped into my head. I thought to myself, "he's a little kid, and can be excused for having a temper tantrum when he's overwhelmed. But masturbating is the exact same reaction to feeling overwhelmed. What's my excuse?"

So I felt dumb masturbating and white knuckled it through. 

Then this morning I felt the urges were still around. B"h I listened to one of Dov's 12 step workshops (No. 5. Really powerful). When I got to the office I spent a minute thanking Hashem for the problems*, and tried to surrender my ego - that demands my life run the way I want it and not the way Hashem wants it - a little bit. 

Idk. Seemed to help. 

*Not for the good in the problems, or the good things I have besides the problems. For the problems themselves. 

Wow, this post needs to be framed and hung up!!!

It hit such a deep spot in my Neshama!

Chosemyshem, you're the best!

Muttel

I'm a bit outta breath... Just finished the 25 pages of this thread in two sittings!

(The feelings expressed in this post were not written solely to provide chizzuk, they're my genuine feelings after being addicted to reading your entire thread (till my phone died:() 

An incredible thread by an exceptional individual! Authentic, relatable, and jaw-dropping posts. I love your documentation of both small and significant achievements, along with the struggles you encounter. (It's sad that we were here for so long together and it just went under my radar).

I think, Shem, it would be a great idea for you to read through it in one sitting. You'll realize the progress you've made these last few months. To echo what PY wrote, remember, progress isn't just about reaching your goal; it's also about reflecting on where you started and where you are today. As you reflect on your journey, it's clear to see the remarkable progress you've made. While we all strive to achieve our goals, it's important to acknowledge and celebrate the beautiful strides you've taken, no matter how challenging the path may have been.

Reading through your thread was sometimes disheartening. I noticed how people who commented at the beginning of your journey seemed to vanish, only to be replaced by others. But what struck me was that you're still here! You didn't just come to a train station; you're determined to make it to the end.

That determination will surely stand by your side to help you overcome this struggle (which we never really get rid of fully, but it gets muted), once and for all.

Just a quick thought: I noticed you mentioned a few times that you really desire lusting and see it as part of your ideal day. I don't know if this will help, but this is something that resonated with me deeply. There's a story in one of the Hasidic seforim about a disagreement between the malach Michoel and the YH. The YH argued that Klal Yisroel are within his control, even though they occasionally do good things. However, Michoel argued that despite occasional failings, a Jew's true desire is to follow the Torah and perform mitzvos, and is not completely under the control of the YH. To support his argument, Michoel pointed out that when a Yid fulfills a mitzvah, they tend to celebrate it. When someone completes a masechta, they celebrate. However, we rarely find a God-fearing Jew celebrating a wrongdoing. It's like they were forced, driven by a desire, but that's not their true nature.

Without delving too deeply into the religious aspect, you crave and desire lusting strongly, but do you rejoice when you fail? It doesn't seem that way, based on the emojis you use. After finishing a seder, when you perform an act of kindness, do you feel accomplished? If your answer is yes, then that's a good way to figure out what you really want.

Sharing your journey has helped me tremendously (as I texted you last night +++), so plz never disappear and keep 'em coming. Wishing you freedom from temptation and a future filled with happiness and abundance!

Looking forward to get to know you better and deeper. 

- Yiftach'l

Sheesh who needs masturbation when I can just come on here and get flattered.

Thank you for the chizzuk R' Yiftach (no 'l for such a chashuve fighter) and it was fantastic schmoozing with you. To make a counterpoint to the story about Michael and the Satan. It's true I feel low after indulging and good after doing mitzvos. But on the other hand, which one do I put more energy into doing? Which one do I spend more time anticipating? If I did chazara of the daf the way I chazer over my favorite videos I'd be a gadol . . . 
But the point is well taken and I think there's alot of truth to it.

Anyway, checking in.

The good news is the Techloq notifications system works. The embarrassing news is how I found out that it's working  Some pretty heavy slipping yesterday, and the porn counter is back down to day zero. Masturbation counter is up to around 50 days which is the longest I've gone in the past five years. Trying to celebrate that in the right way. 

Blocked Twitter which I allegedly needed for work but on further thought turns out it was needed for pleasure. 

Hoping today goes better, and trying to remember that Hashem put me where I'm at and it's just my ego telling me that I need to escape.

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Jul 2024 13:39:

Now make sure you go think about it long and hard! But only after re-reading your entire thread...

But for real, yiftach'l is making a very good point...

Please do yourself a favor and really contemplate your entire saga. Remember how it was before GYE, when you started, in the middle, and finally, where you are now. When you can appreciate your progress, that can be used as motivation to continue further towards your goals!

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Jul 2024 13:39:

Got told off for not working enough. Was very embarrassing to admit I'm just not working. It's not even that I was busy watching porn - that was only a few days in the past month. I just procrastinate. Constantly and consistently. I'm just trying to escape my life. (Kudos to workshop No. 6 for opening my eyes to that).

Huh. Maybe porn is just a symptom of me not living my life. And I suspect if I squash down porn it'll pop back up with drinking, tobacco, marijuana, or escapist fantasies. Maybe I just need to except that this is the life Hashem gave me, and turn my life over to him.* Painful to realize.

*And I don't think finding a more interesting job is a possible solution. I think I'm just existentially uncomfortable. I try to escape any situation. When I'm with my kids I try to escape to learn. When I'm with my wife I try to escape to work. When I'm learning I try to escape to (kosher) fantasies/spacing out. When I'm at work I escape to porn, or to news, or to posting on GYE, or anything else I can. 

Great progress! If you know what the issue is, hopefully you can know gain the skills, coaching, whatever it takes, to overcome this procrastinating. And then you can please share tips with us!

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Jul 2024 20:55:

Why do you think you are escaping? 

BTW...have you thought about yiftach's point from a few days ago yet???

proudyungerman wrote on 18 Jul 2024 01:44:

That's a good question. And on my favorite topic (me!). I'll explain, but t's a new idea to me so it's not going to come out clearly.

I'm not super in touch with my feelings. I think about them a lot, but I also lie to myself a lot. So this is somewhat speculative. But Dov pointed out in a recorded shuir that alot of addicts procrastinate a lot. He explained (I think) that it's a manifestation of the same drive - just get out, escape, leave this behind, numb yourself. That hit me very powerfully. I mentioned once or twice that I procrastinate a lot. In truth, I procrastinate mostly only at work and in taking care of my kids. Everything else I'm pretty on top of things. And while I'm pretty lazy, I'm not so lazy that it explains this level of procrastination.

And so when I thought about what leads to procrastination at work, it seemed liked when I'm faced with a task that I don't want to do I have an almost physical reaction to turn and do something else. Preferably porn, but I'll turn to news, gye, a novel, or anything else if porn is not available. That seems less like procrastination and more of a desperate desire to get away from the situation. (There are other indicators this is correct, like my many escapist fantasies, but this is already a lot of talking about myself. I'm also not entirely clear on what I'm running from but it definitely feels like running.)

And so the nafka mina of it being a feeling of trying to escape, as Dov explained, is that the third step applies here too. If I can just accept that Hashem is infinitely kind, and infinitely caring for me, and has the best plan for my life. If I can accept that where I am right here and right now is part of that plan. If I can surrender to that plan and stop wishing my egotistical plans and fantasies would be fulfilled. If I can let go and let God. Then I can stop He can help me stop running away from my life, and stop running to porn.

I wonder if there is significance to the specific things you mentioned procrastinating, specifically to the effect that they could be seen as an infinite, never-ending chain of tasks? Are you running from the fact that if feels empty, because doing it anyway seems to leave you at square one no matter what, so why invest the effort? 

We daven every day, and each Shacharis is individually valuable among the lifetime of davenings.
We work each day, but do we see the value in one day vs a lifetime of workdays?
My kids will require my attention again, regardless of the attention I give them now.

Perhaps you could contemplate the value of children and parnassa to shift the mindset. Discover the value in each individual task. Even the mundane things are avodas Hashem if we can unlock and internalize the knowledge you alluded to, that this is the life Hashem gifted to me in every moment. Zeh hayom asa Hashem! 
Hatzlacha

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Jul 2024 14:04:

This is all true, a real elaboration!
But, to me, the question still remains...

Why are you running away from work and watching your kids?

Checking in. 

Been feeling pretty sober recently. Feel like I'm less harassed by urges and have some breathing room to work on recovering. Took a break from TBOTG to read the Big Book, and have been pounding Dov's 12 Step Workshops from the GYE library. For some reason, that approach speaks to me a lot more than the TBOTG mehalach. Nu, the nice thing about not being dead is you get to try things out. And if it doesn't work, you get to try out a different thing. 

Unfortunately, my number one time for reading and thinking about this was at work. But the whip has been cracked there and leaves me with much less time. Oh well.

Had a thought. There's a lot of reasons going into why we feel so low after a fall.* I think one of the reasons is that we recognize that on some level it's so easy to not act out. Just sit and do nothing. And we feel stupid and worthless that we couldn't do this one easy thing. And that's certainly correct on one level - the yetzer is like a spiderweb and it should be easy to not act out. But on a more practical level, it's very difficult to not act out. Desire is powerful. And if we negate the power of desire too much than we're not prepared to fight it properly

So there's a very difficult balance that has to be found. Can't view the desire as too strong because on some level we know that it's weak, and because viewing it as unbeatable is very harmful. But if we view it as too weak than we won't prepare properly for the riptide that comes to drown us (tsunami might be a better metaphor?).
I don't have a practical way to find that balance. But certainly it's worth trying to drum into our brains that when we lose, we lost a hard fight. 


*I recall a post on a certain forum I read once while acting out. The person was writing about a certain once-in-a-lifetime lust indulgence they engaged in. They prepared for months and months, setting it up in the perfect way. Every aspect was planned out perfectly, and no expense was spared. All to ensure that this once in a lifetime event was going to be the perfect lustful encounter.
And what is so fascinating is that the person wrote that part of their preparation was insuring they had a coping mechanism set up in advance for the inevitable low feeling the next day. This person was an experienced luster who was happy with their lifestyle and had no problem with the actions they were engaging in and yet they still knew they would feel low the next day. Of course, they blamed it on "dopamine letdown" or something like that. And their reaction wasn't to question their lifestyle or anything productive. Instead, they viewed it as just something to be dealt with and overcome in setting up a perfect lust activity. Mind-blowing. 
(Agav, and this is a discussion for a different time, if I recall correctly the way they coped with the letdown was by spending time with their spouse. Love as an antidote to lust. But that's a different schmooze, and I'd like to stop thinking about this incident now.)

Thank you for the insight Shem.
Between hopelessness and over-confidence, there is regular, practical, and healthy confidence in yourself. Knowing your abilities and current limits, then working and pushing to increase those limits over time. The difficulty is the honest cheshbon hanefesh, realizing where we're really at and also recognizing what we are capable of.
Kol tov

Balance my friend. Balance is what its all about.