Still following up...
With regards to the non-jewish music, For me this is very difficult, I enjoy music greatly and use it to relax and enhance my exercise. I have a hard time seeing what is bad about the non jewish music I listen to, no Kol Ishah or cursing, all messages about making it through tough times and never giving up in the face of depression. There were many times earlier in my journey that I found solace in these tunes and they became a source of strength for me, so I find it hard to let them go. I do recognize that there is a slippery slope problem, but in my current state of mind it is still hard to let it go. 

Part of the issue is i didn't really drop it with a plan of what to replace it with, granted I had a bunch of jewish music but I didn't really sit down and think about it and get new geshmak music to satisfy my needs. Also since it wasn't premeditated I have the thought of "maybe it wasn't a good idea" if something is thought out, you can remember your reasons for change (the "Why").
so going forward, I will Bl"N sit down for 20 minutes and think about the decision to drop non-jewish music. Then I will write down my "why" to remind myself over the next month, then I will get some new jewish music which I will be excited about in order to get excited about the change instead of feeling empty.

I was taka curious about the why

Rosh Hashanah is a time for reflection in order to further grow in the coming year. As such I want to start a new thread on the what worked for me forum, going back through my journey and identifying the strategies and ideas which helped me get to where I am now, hopefully doing this will remind me of things I have forgotten about as well as get a deeper understanding and appreciation for the tools that I am still using and continue to grow.
A Gemar Chasimah Tovah to everyone! 

Noticed I was having some struggles in the street, trying to reaffirm the anti curiosity idea of "it doesn't matter what she's wearing!" and also remind myself it's normal to have some struggles don't bug out unless your bugging out, hopefully will work, bottom line I have to get more sleep and I need bein hazmanim.
Haven't taken the time to think about the music hock, spent ten minutes talking to a chaver by breakfast and basically came out with the main points being 1) slippery slope to not such good music, and 2) bad hashpah for your kids and talmidim. I have seen myself give in to the slippery slope on many occasions, and I know how it affected me the fact that my parents listened to non jewish music and watched movies and I want to give my kids a better chance.
Still need to think about it more and get it clear, but I'm definitely happier now with the direction I'm headed.

First of all Congrats on the 1st 90, pat yourself on the back, you are a real hero!

Now imagine this, Hashem is telling you in secret, my dear son, I want you to fight with all your energy and bring me Nachas however you wont get further than a 100 day streak, would you give up!? well of course not, but you won't feel so lost after you fall, I am not here to tell you that you shouldn't try for the best possible, you sure should fight all the way

Now, we all know clearly that this fall was initiated to test you, whether you'll get up or give up. it is YOUR choice,
Choose wisely.   

Keep climbing!

Wow very hard first days, has a terrible time sleeping going on 3-4 hours a night for over a week, plus felt a lot of tension at home with the parents, not comfortable in the local shul, plus sukkah situation was dysfunctional, had next to zero time for myself or to learn, great setup to feeling out of sorts and in need of a painkiller. And the weather was nice and the dress code was minimal. Felt like three days of torture, wanting to escape the feelings of discomfort but not being able to.
need help

Sounds tough... I haven't been in ur situation so I don't feel like I'm the right guy to offer advice but what I do know is, is that Hashem put you there bc he believes in your ability to get through this. How many people in ur situation would have given up? I imagine most. You haven't. That says something special

hopefulposek wrote on 20 Oct 2024 03:37:

Ah that's some real succos honesty right there. I feel you.

I don't have much help, but I do want to let you know that I have tremendous respect for you and what you've accomplished on the journey.

Maybe the real lesson of moving out of our comfortable houses and lives into a rickety shack where your least favorite family member is basically sitting on your lap for three days is that all pain is temporary. Gam zeh ya'avor.

You are more then welcome to join me in my secret hiding spot. Look for me in the darkest, coldest beis medrash in town. I'll be the guy who comes in for 15 minutes and doesn't even pretend to open a sefer. Just going straight for that power nap.

Hatzlacha, and as always, keep on trucking

hopefulposek wrote on 20 Oct 2024 03:37:

That sounds very difficult. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
It's not easy having parents at home, i have my father here and it's not easy at all. There should really be a support group for people who host their parents for yom tov.

The best thing you can do is to get some sleep. Even just a half hour nap in the day can do so much. (Forget about sleeping in the sukkah). From my experience,  when I'm tired I just easily want to give in whereas if I'm well rested I can cope with the YH and all the triggers and difficulties. 

Much Hatzlacha!!
Stay strong!

A few thoughts, many of my strategies and responses to urges focus on recognizing that acting out will not help me feel better, but they don't address the reason I have a strong urge. Just seeing a women dressed down doesn't usually created the overpowering pull towards lust, I think there are preexisting emotional tensions which acting out numbs, being triggered just brings the urge to the forefront of my mind. So even if it won't help me long term and I will feel worse after, I still feel tremendous discomfort and anguish right now, and this is the only "medication" available. 
also I had an insight into how this particular problematic\addictive behavior presents a challenge not found in substance abuse (please correct if I'm wrong since I have very little experience with substance abuse), even when P is not available I can always conjure up images in my mind, I am never in a place where I don't have access, it's like trying to quit drinking but always having a small bottle, only a few ounces, in the cabinet.
Trying to remind myself that my goal isn't to be clean for a year, or 2, or 10. I am quitting using P and M forever. I am done using it. It is never coming back into my life.

Wanted to share a few wins from today. I decided I needed time to myself to relax and create a calm space, so I dropped my wife and kids off at a play place and went to a store to get a new book which I would then take to a coffee shop to read and relax for an hour. Good plan until I walk into the store and see the magazine racks with very inappropriate items. This was a huge struggle, I was coming off of a rough weekend, still feeling rocky, plus yesterday went to an outdoors place with lots of pritzus so wasn't in a strong zone. Stated to give in picked up a magazine and started to flip through, after a minute stopped myself and went to find a book, but my mind was still pulling me to go back. B"h right before I caved my brother (who is in AA) called and I told him what was going on which helped and made it out without further incident. Counted it as a win.

 after maariv I got this random urge to look up inappropriate stuff, pushed it off telling myself it doesn't make any sense and I'll think about it again once I get home, used STAR, and by the time I made it home the urge has passed. 2 wins back to back! Go team!

also started calling guys from gye to really solidify my foundation and have a strong support group. If anyone is open to talking on the phone please let me know, thanks!

Sorry ignore this one. messed it up by mistake

I can really relate to that. The anguish when you see something, to look, to not look, is enough to really drive you up the wall. The way I try to deal with it is by taking a deep breath when I see something and just telling myself calmly, "you'll be ok without looking. Nothing will happen to you..." and just keep breathing and repeating. That's what helps me sometimes...

Your determination is really encouraging. Just want to say that it is possible!! you CAN do this