Well It has been a while, quite the year. This is day one where we start again and also put out how what we are thinking.

I obviously still struggle with pornography and masturbation, I have identified I have been using it as a coping mechanism for stress, mental and physical.

Issue is I am always under both and it is very difficult to try and ways of actually dealing with the stress in a healthy way. For example I like to work out, but the associated stress of working is also a cause.

Then there is the stress of dating. I basically I have no idea if I will ever get married, I am apparently not living up to the expectations of the girls I would like to date and I do not want to marry someone I do not find attractive so I will not settle. To put this into perspective, I have been rejected just based on my resume alone I believe over 50 times. I am basically relying on some random girl deciding she is willing to invest in me. I cannot control it and that just leads to more stress.

Now allow me to anticipate what you will respond. Daven! Learn! Do chessed! It's all Gods will and he will make sure you find your Bashert!

Let us go through each of those.

1. chessed - oh I do have a fantastic anecdote for this. I asked a local organisation if I can offer myself to help tutor young children who's parents are overstretched. The rep. then comes to me and suggests the young daughter of ... "a single mother." Where would I be tutoring? In this person's house. I was actually shocked that this was a suggestion! Who in their right mind would suggest to a single man in his late twenties to put himself in that position! So in classic human response I quickly sensed the danger and moved on. Chessed would not be on my agenda
2. God's will - I do believe that God has a plan. And sometimes that plan is that I have challenges. could one of those challenges be maybe I do not get married? Food for thought.
3. Daven - I have occasional periods of davening where I feel a connection. But I have shed tears many times for this. At a certain point I think Davening has been enough and seomthing else needs to give.
4. Learning - my learning is for me not for anyone else. I love it and it is for me.

So that is those ideas, what purpose does it serve? Honestly no idea, these are just musings.

Now let us say I am being picky, and maybe I should settle?

Well let us put this into perspective. 

I am 6ft 1, tall dark and well built. I have a good job.

I learn I daven, granted not always with a minyan something I need to work on.

I do not curse or drink too much. I am polite and respectful as a rule.

I enjoy learning, art and reading. 

I constantly try to work on my discipline.

SO my question is why should i settle? Why should I marry someone I do not find attractive or interesting?

I could easily take all those things and just find myself someone who is not religous or not jewish and would die for a person who has all those qualities.

Feel free to critique, I have had these thoughts tied up in my head and it is very likely I am being overzealous in my opinion of myself.

Hey, I feel your frustrations. I can't give you good guidance on working on stress as I am trying to learn that myself.

I am not going to tell you to daven, learn or do chessed although those are all nice things to do.

A few questions/points...

 I am apparently not living up to the expectations of the girls I would like to date and I do not want to marry someone I do not find attractive so I will not settle. To put this into perspective, I have been rejected just based on my resume alone I believe over 50 times. I am basically relying on some random girl deciding she is willing to invest in me. I cannot control it and that just leads to more stress.

These are two conflicting points. One is the girls rejecting you and the other is you rejecting the girls. In terms of them rejecting you as you put it "I am apparently not living up to the expectations of the girls I would like to date", Is that accurate? Are you shooting to high and being unrealistic? If you are, are you willing to change to meet the expectations of these girls? Can you give her a reason to "invest" in you?

Regarding the second point of you rejecting girls 

I am 6ft 1, tall dark and well built. I have a good job.

I learn I daven, granted not always with a minyan something I need to work on.

I do not curse or drink too much. I am polite and respectful as a rule.

I enjoy learning, art and reading. 

I constantly try to work on my discipline.

SO my question is why should i settle? Why should I marry someone I do not find attractive or interesting?

Does being 6' 1", dark, well built and having a good job make you a better husband or even a mediocre husband and father? I know guys with that resume and all they want is a one night stand.

You learn and you daven, again that's nice but will that make you a good husband or father?

You don't drink or curse to much, by whose standards? When does it become to much? Also, is this one of your selling points? Now polite and respectful on the other hand are good qualities. I would consider moving them up on your list.

Regarding Learning, art and reading, you may be cultured and educated but does this make you husband/father material?

You constantly work on your discipline. that's another good quality, i would put it before not cursing to much, In fact, I would try to discipline myself to stop cursing.

Are you compassionate? Loyal? Honest? Giving? Genuine? 

​One last thing, are you rejecting these girls "that you don't find attractive or interesting" because you don't want to compromise after you date them or is it based on a picture/what they look like and their resume before you even get to meet them?

I hope I wasn't to rough but I do think you need to consider what's really important in a spouse.

I am really sorry to hear about your struggles and pain, my brother. I will say in one line my advice:
If YOU don't like a certain girl, then do not marry her. Period.
However, it is in your hands how physically "stunning" a girl has to be for you to find her attractive and suitable for marriage. Know that pornography (and billboards, magazines, advertisements, and etc etc etc) ABSOLUTELY distorts a man's ability to see true beauty in a woman that is not photo-shopped, boatloads of makeup, and 15 plastic surgeries. Lusting and looking at women in these contexts is nothing short of poison to the mind. So, if you ever want to find your future wife beautiful, no matter how beautiful she is, you must stop looking at other women, and CERTAINLY pornography and billboards, magazines, etc, and stop NOW. Even if you married your favorite fantasy girl, a guy who watches pornography (a fantasizer, a chaser, a lust addict) will find her unattractive very quickly as he needs another fantasy and another fantasy and another fantasy. And even if you don't watch pornography, but you fantasize about other women and porn you have watched in the past, you are done for as well.
Which, brings me to my favorite point. Fantasy is at the root of it all. If you give up your fantasies and move on from them, you will find you are actually living and not in fantasy/porn/masturbation world which is FAKE. Fantasies --> masturbation --> misery. That's the כלל גדול.
And, lastly, don't stop davening. That would be counterproductive.
Keep posting!

I opened my calculator which is more accurate than yours and it gave me this equation :-)

Misery --> Fantasies --> masturbation --> misery

Lchaim TovimHi, Nah not rough at all, I actually was looking for a critique so I do not have these thoughts echoing in my head.

You are making some good points however I do wish to respond.

1. When I say rejected I am referring to just the resume, I have only been rejected in person a few times.
2. If a girl says I am not Frum enough because I do not daven three times a day with a minyan, I accept that. If that is her standard I cannot say I meet it currently, and even though I do say it is something I am working on and find important (which I do) they want someone who is at that point now. So its moot.
3. I cannot write the reasons why I would be a better husband on a resume, so that is why I focused on those areas. Am I loyal honest, compassionate and giving and genuine? Yes, I would say I am. Am I constantly trying to improve in those areas? Yes I am.
4. What I lack is discipline and I am not naturally inclined to always listen to people. But The listening part I have greatly improved by using certain mechanisms to make me stop and think and listen and digest what the person is saying.
5. Also I don't curse, I wrote that poorly. I meant to do not curse. And I do not drink much .
6. Now as to being a better spouse/ father. I cannot say whether I am working to that point because I am neither of those things currently, the goal is hard to measure as you are dealing with human beings with currently unknown qualities. What I am trying to say is, it is impossible to predict as it is dependant on multiple external and constantly changing factors. Which is why my actual goal would be to be the best version of myself. So what is is the best version of myself? I would say the following qualities:
   
   1. Discipline, the best men in the world are disciplined and I am prone to being lazy.
   2. Confidence and assertion, I have low self esteem, not the to the worst degree but it is not great and does not lend itself well to being better.
   3. I think discipline actually sums it up. If I can be more disciplined I think it would probably make me think before i speak, control my actions, make me take responsibility, daven with a minyan.

Feel free to critique again.

Thanks for the sympathy.
 5Uu80*cdwB#^


Trust me I know what you mean, beauty can be wonderful but lusting after it can lead one down a road of pain and misery. Not even in the context of pornography.



It is one positive achievement I can say about myself, I have avoided making irresponsible decisions just because after the initial recognition of someone's beauty I realised that my duty and loyalty to Hashem, Torah, mitzvos and my parents was more important than beauty which fades after 10 or 20 years. I almost put myself into a relationship which would have required me to abandon everything.



And you know what I could see the future and it was not pretty. I do think every relationship is like a fire. It starts with a spark, and if the fuel is the right amount you will have a warm fire which benefits everyone. You need to always tend that fire to make sure it does not go out and you need to care for it so that it always stays in control. 



But if you start a fire where there is too much fuel it burns and causes damage and destruction and then eventually it dies leaving only ash. I saw that future and stayed away.



But you know what fantasy I have not moved on from?



I want someone who cares about me and respects me. So far I have only found that once and in the end she wanted a guy who learns half day. Obviously not me so ein ma laasot. 



I have a feeling you are going to say, that is not a fantasy. But I got to be honest, just based on the people I have met it sure feels like a fantasy.

So something else I want to do just to allow my mind to wander is post the weird stuff I would not post if I had a face.

The following is a mantra/ tefillah I made up. For some reason it helped me calm myself a few times. Warning it is weird, and if you agree that it is weird seriously have fun and just say its weird.

I am not lust, but lust is a part of me.
I am he who God leads through a valley of darkness.
I am not lust, but lust is a part of me.
Only through God's will can I be his champion,
I am not lust but lust is a part of me,
I am alive at the will of my God my father,
I am not lust but lust is a part of me,
I will come to judgment in the highest court of all,
I am not lust but lust is a part of me,
I am a member of the court of the king who rules on high,
I am not lust but lust is a part of me,
But he will always be my father who walks kindly with me to the court of judges and to the court of kings.

I am more than the sum of my physical self,
Only though planting strong holy roots in this world of shadow may i see branches of glory in world of light.

I must face the shadow of who I am and embrace him,
for he is a part of me created by God who I must not shun,
To deny him would be to deny God,
But to unleash him would be sin
This self is a tool to serve His creation.

Ok went a little overboard, don't ask why I wrote all that. It's odd and bizarre, but it somehow calms me.

"I am not lust but lust is a part of me" is what I think to focus my mind elsewhere when it wanders onto explicit thought. And the added lines I just make up.

supremeone wrote on 14 Aug 2022 08:39:

I know that you have mentioned this concept in your earlier posts that “lust is part of you”.  I use a different approach but I want to understand yours.  Can you elaborate on why it helps to consider lust to be a part of you?  Also how do you define lust?

thanks and wishing you continued success 
vehkam

Welcome and thanks for sharing! By coming here, thinking critically, processing and expressing your thoughts, goals and dreams, you're in a great place and on the way to success BeH.

One small thing, you may reconsider your decision about doing chesed. Just because you were once offered an inappropriate position, that does not mean there are no good opportunities for you!

Vehkam wrote on 14 Aug 2022 18:31:

Hi Vekham,

Sure, lust is just desire for a physical relationship.

I struggled for a while with reconciling this, often looking at desire as something unclean and dirty. I went so far as to think I had this monster within me and it was about getting rid of it.

I actually wished and davened for a long time that I would not have this.

When I reached about 25, so not long ago, I had an epiphany based on something I was reading. That "monster" was my 12 year old's explanation as to why I had this desire and it was completely wrong.

I realised there was nothing inherently wrong with the desire, it was a function of my physical body. Like eating and sleeping it was the same, but also a little different. 

Now hashkafically we are taught that all physical functions can be elevated spiritually, eating and drinking through yom tov and shabbos, or even as fuel to get us to learn and serve hashem. Physical relations can also be elevated in marriage.

So once I understood this, i realised there was no monster and that lust was normal, it is a part of me. But just like I am not a person who obsesses over food that they are literally food, they are a glutton, I am also not someone who should obsess over lust that i become lust. It is a part of me, but not me. I am instead the ideas I believe, the good things (and bad things) that I do. I am multifaceted and I need to incorporate lust in the correct way.

Obviously, the correct way is in marriage so I need to work on getting married. And marriage comes with a lot of responsibility which I am aware of.

Now the issue is pornography, which I cannot say is acceptable. But the trick is I think to somehow say it is not acceptable while not thinking myself worthless because I engage in it out of years of just not controlling myself. I should not blame myself by saying I am inherently weak. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is, if you view your issues as demons and monsters, you will never overcome them because mentally you have made them bigger than yourself. The trick is to view them as they are, normal functions as part of you. 

I actually spoke with a rebbe once about this. I said "I used to think the yetzer harah was something external, and literally evil which means I cannot control it. Now I believe it is just a reference to my physicality, which can become evil if left to impulse. But otherwise it is just a thing, nothing more." He said, "i mean, yea?"

frank.lee wrote on 15 Aug 2022 00:30:

Hi Frank,

I just don't know what kind of chessed to do. Any advice?

Thanks so much for the response. This explains things a bit. You are using the word lust where I would use the word desire.

My understanding of lust is different. Desire is part of me. Hashem created us with a natural desire and attraction. I do not consider that to be lust. For me Lust is when I take that desire and use it in an unhealthy way. (Forbidden relationships or images etc)

I also don’t consider the yetzer hara to be part of my essence. He may be very convincing in making me think that his voice is mine, but deep down he is not me at all. Knowing this helps me separate from him and acting on my own.

Yea I just see desire and lust as interchangeable, the english language is like that sometimed. 

So I do not view the yetzer harah as a seperate entity from oneself. That is the Sattan/Malach Hamaves and fact is he is a decent guy on the whole. But what he does is sends you certain situations to challenge you. 

The yetzer harah is your physical inclination, its what does your body want. And generally it wants what feels good.

The yetzerh tov is your soul, spiritual inclination, and it craves meaning, it also wants what feels good but on a spiritual level.

Now heres the genius of this makeup, what can spiritually feel good and what is meaningful can, eventually after hard work, also physically feel good. It may physically be uncomfortable at first but eventually it feels amazing.

Fyi, this kind of thought can also be found in Jungian psychology where Carl Jung said essentially said in order to correct dysfunction one has to face ones shadow self and accept it as a part of ones whole being. That way you realise the monster inside is not trying to harm you.

Look this is how I view it, I am done with feeling like some external force is trying to cause me uncessary pain. There is only one external force I accept and that is God, and I do not believe he is malevolent so the painful situations and my physiology are not malevolent and are there to strengthen me in every conceivable way. My inclinations are my own physiology and they are made specific to me, which means I can control them and bring everything into avodas hashem. Every voice I hear is my own and I am responsible for in some way. Do I want to engage in certain practices? Of course? Do I think those practices are wrong? Heck yea. Do I think I am awful for wanting to? No.

Its like the bacon argument, bacon smells good and I hear it tastes great. Butter on meat also tastes amazing apparently. Would I love to try it? Of course? does that make me a worse person? Of course not. Am I evil if I do? No. God forbade it to me and thats why I dont eat it. Thats avodas hashem. And if I sin, I humble myself and say, "Chatassi! I failed to do your will, and I will do better." Thats Teshuva. And even if I fail at Gods will one hundred times, I will always say Chatassi. ( Or i hope so, teshuva is really hard.) 

So theres my hashkafa, it is my own and it means I at least dont feel like a piece of junk when I err. Sheva Paamim Yipol Tzaddik.

As Groucho Marx said, those are my principles, and if you don't like em... well I have others.

Saw a wonderful poem, thought I would share.
When they seek to oppress you
And when they try to destroy youRise and rise again
Like phoenix from the ashesUntil the lambs have become lionsAnd the rule of darkness is no more.