kavey wrote on 20 Mar 2025 13:54:


Thank you.

So . . . relaxing. There is plenty that I enjoy doing, but as you described, it's usually just that - something I enjoy. It's not exactly relaxing nor really replenishing my battery. 

Though I should say, to be fair, that in the past, the minutes turned to hours on YouTube while entertaining, leaned more toward wasting time than giving me any sort of break that ended with a boost.

I really need to make more of a priority to discover and implement healthy activities into my schedule. Between kids until bedtime, davening, night seder, and home chores, there is not much time left and it's splintered into small increments. 

When and how do people relax without feeling like they are piling onto their spouse's responsibilities for my own benefit? (yeah, I need to be healthy, so to a point it's an overall net benefit, but what about 1-2 notches below that?).

Interesting. I'm married more than ten years and I think I've learned pretty well what I can and can't do (and how to really give my wife a listening ear when she needs it [which has been surprisingly difficult lol]).

The issue for me is work stress for a variety of reasons. It's so easy to slip into YouTube etc. and I really just don't seem to have good self control. So I basically use the Nuclear Option in StayFocusd to block my Edge browser. And then Chrome for work stuff, and use StayFocusd limits for LinkedIn and GYE. Gmail of course too.

But having books allows that kind of recharge and escape that movies provide. Better even, of course I can get sucked into books the same way but it's a lesser evil especially kids books.

Day 10

Continuing the thread and M'Inyan L'Inyan

The bigger issue is that what about work and productivity. when slacking off I mean.

For me there's a lot to unpack here, And bitachon or ideas about bitachon probably distorted ones play a big role.

One thing that's caused me a lot of pain or longing is the passage in "Making It Work" where R' Wasserman quotes R' Pam as telling a young among other things to be the hardest worker. Why is that so hard for me?!

Day 13



Something that I've been feeling for a long time is a shell growing around my neshama. I feel it most acutely during the Yamim Noraim where each year it seems harder to get excited during davening. It used to be that at least during Ne'ila I'd be able to break through and daven with my old enthusiasm but recently even that has been hard to do.



I'm hopeful with a long clean streak that I can come back to my old self in this sense. b'ezras Hashem



On another note, one thing I thing not stressed enough here when people fall and get back up again, is the tzipisa L'ishua on a personal level. Hakadosh Baruch Hu runs the world and there's no telling how your personal situation is going change tomorrow or even today. Keep on trying and davening and don't give up.

Welcome back! Just reading your thread now. Very inspiring!

Day 14

Loved chancy's reponse on SimchasTorah's thread. Such a good message.

On a separate note my choice of celebration when getting to 30 is a greasy shawarma. Almost half-way there!

Day 15

Had a rough day yesterday work wise. Plan to power through. ODAAT

Day 16

Had a slight slip yesterday when I realized I could access some games. Baruch Hashem have moved on.

Day 17

Hodu L'Hashem Ki Tov

Day 21

3 weeks! It's amazing. My feelings of trying to escape haven't changed that much. I just find that by not even starting. I'm able to divert my energies. And the stayfocusd time limits also help.

Day 23

Books are limited as a relaxation tool partially because they are a time sink and partially because my kids' library books are meh.

I know someone posted something from Dov where he hit someone over the head with getting high on God, but really I find that if I'm deep in a sugya it really lifts my mood and calms me down.

The problem is that I'm a bit of a slow cooker. I do Daf Hashavua and often it can take me till Wednesday or Thursday to know the daf well enough and deep enough to start really getting a geshmak (and not all weeks do I even achieve it). I tried to move up when I start this week's daf to Friday night instead of Sunday morning which helps a bit but still...I used to try to allocate my Sunday morning's but have belatedly come to the recognition that my homefront responsibilities take precedence...better than nothing I guess.

As an aside have you noticed that no one makes it above Gold Boarder even though there seems to be a slot for a higher rank? What gives?! These things keep me up at night 

kavey wrote on 03 Apr 2025 14:09:

Interesting point. About relaxation, not about the ranking :p

I generally think about learning and relaxation as two separate entities. Yes, getting involved in learning is distracting and can make me feel better (occasionally). But when I think of relaxation I think of what I want to do with zero effort, and learning that makes me feel better takes a lot of effort. But then because there are no things that are productive but take zero effort, relaxation becomes a search for the least harmful mindless task. 

I think the way you're thinking about is healthier. "How can I make productive things that make me feel better easier to access?" I think that is an awesome question.

- - - 
Re: the getting high on G-d. This is a bit of a tangent. But the problematic use of "learning" would be if you are in some sort of spiritual high/lust high cycle. If you're chasing learning for a high then you'll chase other things for a high too if it's easier or more convenient or what you want that day. And then cycle becomes this sick, self-reinforcing cycle of lust and shteiging to kill the lust. Or if you're chasing learning as a spiritual "cure" for your aveiros you're probably doomed to fail, and when you do it'll be a long hard failure.

But of course any frum yid is going to have learning high up on the list of things they enjoy doing that are productive and pleasurable, and finding productive and pleasurable things to do is very healthy. As I read your post, all you are saying is that learning is something you find productive and pleasurable. I can't speak for Dov but I doubt he was posting about what you're describing. 

Thanks!

kavey wrote on 03 Apr 2025 14:09:

There used to be a rank called "platinum boarder", not sure where it went...maybe it has to do with conspiracies surrounding the guard, YKW, and redfaced?
If anyone has any clarity, please chime in as we want our dear friend kavey to be able to sleep peacefully...