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TOPIC: BT2001's Journey 1270 Views

Re: BT2001's Journey 23 Mar 2022 23:05 #379001

  • bt2001
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5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 23 Mar 2022 22:13:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 23 Mar 2022 21:31:

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Mar 2022 17:54:

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 22 Mar 2022 20:31:

BT2001 wrote on 22 Mar 2022 17:46:
Additionally, I just want to be better and strengthen myself so that I can also strengthen my connection with my future wife.







Correct. Pornography and lust are absolutely ruinous to a marriage. Don't let anyone tell you that marriage will solve a pornography or lust problem. Attraction to women is healthy and normal and marriage can help a man constructively direct these healthy sexual energies. However, compulsive lusting and corruption of the mind with what pornography tells us is desirable sex are nothing short of poison and marriage will only exacerbate these problems.
So, consider yourself among the lucky, as you have the opportunity to rewire your brain before getting married.

Wow, this is so true! This is something that should be spread as much as possible! Many don’t understand why this is true cuz all the unmarried guys never experienced the fade of sexual excitement. However, there’s no excitement in our lives that lasted long term. Think of masturbation itself it’s not exciting after! Excitement comes and goes especially sexual excitement! If that’s our whole life and what we want from our spouse then we’re doomed. Because at the end of the day in a marriage generally we’re left with rare excitement and passion and most of that there is to make of it is connection and intimacy. Therefore we’re ruining that chance each time we act on our lust and sexualize or even look at mere pritzus because we’re training ourselves into the excitement mode which marriage can’t fulfill. Going down the route is never successful - our spouse can’t live up. This isn’t my own thing, Chazal said it too! The more we feed- the more thirst. I believe it’s referring to exactly this - sexual excitement.

I like to think of it differently. Yes, marriage can and IY"H will bring much sexual satisfaction. And for me, so does masturbating and fantasizing. The thing is that when I fantasize or watch I don't have just one girl that I am into who I can fully satisfy my desires with. One is never enough, I want them all. 

This is the issue that marriage does not fix. Marriage can bring a wonderful sex life, but you are still stuck with one. Why if today you want to have them all do you think when you get married things will be different? I think that when guys get married, it's not because their marriage sucks that they are looking elsewhere, rather it's because they want as much as they can get. 

I cannot emphasize this enough, even guys with great sexual satisfaction still end up looking elsewhere for more.

If we can learn to live without it, maybe we can be satisfied with just one.

While certainly marriage means you have to be satisfied with one woman only, I need to add something that you didn't write, but that is very important. Getting married does not change the completely selfish outlook to sex that fantasizing + masturbation ingrains in a guy. When a woman will see that she is being used as a mere kosher masturbation tool, yikes; that marriage is in for some serious problems. So for this reason, too, we have to realize that lusting and fantasizing is a recipe for a terrible life.

I sort of understand what you mean, (emphasis on "a woman ... being used as a mere kosher masturbation tool") but fantasizing may not even be a bad thing so long as it is directed in the right way - genuine desire for your wife. Like the halacha says, we should not fantasize about other women (while laying with our wives, nonetheless it seems like a particularly good behavior to also keep outside of the bedroom).

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 06:15 #379013

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BT2001 wrote on 23 Mar 2022 23:05:

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 23 Mar 2022 22:13:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 23 Mar 2022 21:31:

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Mar 2022 17:54:

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 22 Mar 2022 20:31:

BT2001 wrote on 22 Mar 2022 17:46:
Additionally, I just want to be better and strengthen myself so that I can also strengthen my connection with my future wife.








Correct. Pornography and lust are absolutely ruinous to a marriage. Don't let anyone tell you that marriage will solve a pornography or lust problem. Attraction to women is healthy and normal and marriage can help a man constructively direct these healthy sexual energies. However, compulsive lusting and corruption of the mind with what pornography tells us is desirable sex are nothing short of poison and marriage will only exacerbate these problems.
So, consider yourself among the lucky, as you have the opportunity to rewire your brain before getting married.

Wow, this is so true! This is something that should be spread as much as possible! Many don’t understand why this is true cuz all the unmarried guys never experienced the fade of sexual excitement. However, there’s no excitement in our lives that lasted long term. Think of masturbation itself it’s not exciting after! Excitement comes and goes especially sexual excitement! If that’s our whole life and what we want from our spouse then we’re doomed. Because at the end of the day in a marriage generally we’re left with rare excitement and passion and most of that there is to make of it is connection and intimacy. Therefore we’re ruining that chance each time we act on our lust and sexualize or even look at mere pritzus because we’re training ourselves into the excitement mode which marriage can’t fulfill. Going down the route is never successful - our spouse can’t live up. This isn’t my own thing, Chazal said it too! The more we feed- the more thirst. I believe it’s referring to exactly this - sexual excitement.

I like to think of it differently. Yes, marriage can and IY"H will bring much sexual satisfaction. And for me, so does masturbating and fantasizing. The thing is that when I fantasize or watch I don't have just one girl that I am into who I can fully satisfy my desires with. One is never enough, I want them all. 

This is the issue that marriage does not fix. Marriage can bring a wonderful sex life, but you are still stuck with one. Why if today you want to have them all do you think when you get married things will be different? I think that when guys get married, it's not because their marriage sucks that they are looking elsewhere, rather it's because they want as much as they can get. 

I cannot emphasize this enough, even guys with great sexual satisfaction still end up looking elsewhere for more.

If we can learn to live without it, maybe we can be satisfied with just one.

While certainly marriage means you have to be satisfied with one woman only, I need to add something that you didn't write, but that is very important. Getting married does not change the completely selfish outlook to sex that fantasizing + masturbation ingrains in a guy. When a woman will see that she is being used as a mere kosher masturbation tool, yikes; that marriage is in for some serious problems. So for this reason, too, we have to realize that lusting and fantasizing is a recipe for a terrible life.

I sort of understand what you mean, (emphasis on "a woman ... being used as a mere kosher masturbation tool") but fantasizing may not even be a bad thing so long as it is directed in the right way - genuine desire for your wife. Like the halacha says, we should not fantasize about other women (while laying with our wives, nonetheless it seems like a particularly good behavior to also keep outside of the bedroom).

I wonder how many people who fantasize can do so only thinking of their wives. 

I don't buy into the "kosher masturbation tool" thing. Yes it's true for some but there are many guys, myself included, who have a wonderful bedroom life and who both parties are truly satisfied and still fantasizes.

Life is frustrating, but the bedroom is fine. I guess this is similar to the Rebbe (many) who told me that I will never enjoy my learning with all this shmutz. Well, I do. I don't know what to tell you, I love learning, I am still in Kollel and going strong. I still have quite a bit of shmutz to clean up but it's simply not true. Yes, it can be harder to focus, but enjoyment? Not an issue. 
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 11:14 #379021

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Once someone realizes that sexuality is a celebration of intimacy, and that his bedroom develops into that reality, the need/interest in other women diminishes a lot. When we successfully rewire our thinking from being selfish in the bedroom (while still being nice to our wives), to being giving in the bedroom (while still enjoying it ourselves), we realize in a very deep place that pornography is simply a cheap corrupted version of something immensely greater.  We are human, and we will still have desires, urges, and fantasies. We may somewhat desperately want to experiment with our wives the things that we fantasize about. We will still get triggered when seeing other women on occasion, but it will be different. We also have a lot of imagery seared into our brains from the past that will every once in a while just pop in to our thoughts. However, as time goes on, it won't be overwhelming. Yes, we are human, but we can b'ezras Hashem move further and further away from all of this unhealthy thinking.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 12:16 #379024

  • wilnevergiveup
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Mar 2022 11:14:
Once someone realizes that sexuality is a celebration of intimacy, and that his bedroom develops into that reality, the need/interest in other women diminishes a lot. When we successfully rewire our thinking from being selfish in the bedroom (while still being nice to our wives), to being giving in the bedroom (while still enjoying it ourselves), we realize in a very deep place that pornography is simply a cheap corrupted version of something immensely greater.  We are human, and we will still have desires, urges, and fantasies. We may somewhat desperately want to experiment with our wives the things that we fantasize about. We will still get triggered when seeing other women on occasion, but it will be different. We also have a lot of imagery seared into our brains from the past that will every once in a while just pop in to our thoughts. However, as time goes on, it won't be overwhelming. Yes, we are human, but we can b'ezras Hashem move further and further away from all of this unhealthy thinking.

I agree but this is certainly not across the board. I won't talk for addicts but I can talk for guys who have emotional/mental health struggles. For us, being married, however wonderful it is, brings along with it the frustrations of feeling rejected among other negative feelings that are far worse when they are with someone who you give so much to and sacrifice so much for. These feelings can make the struggle to have those "other options" in order to feel safe and secure sexually.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 14:30 #379035

BT2001 wrote on 23 Mar 2022 22:53:

WhenZaidyWasYoung wrote on 23 Mar 2022 18:05:

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Mar 2022 17:54:

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 22 Mar 2022 20:31:

BT2001 wrote on 22 Mar 2022 17:46:
Additionally, I just want to be better and strengthen myself so that I can also strengthen my connection with my future wife.






Correct. Pornography and lust are absolutely ruinous to a marriage. Don't let anyone tell you that marriage will solve a pornography or lust problem. Attraction to women is healthy and normal and marriage can help a man constructively direct these healthy sexual energies. However, compulsive lusting and corruption of the mind with what pornography tells us is desirable sex are nothing short of poison and marriage will only exacerbate these problems.
So, consider yourself among the lucky, as you have the opportunity to rewire your brain before getting married.

Wow, this is so true! This is something that should be spread as much as possible! Many don’t understand why this is true cuz all the unmarried guys never experienced the fade of sexual excitement. However, there’s no excitement in our lives that lasted long term. Excitement comes and goes, especially sexual excitement! If that’s our whole life and what we want from our spouse then we’re doomed. Because at the end of the day in a marriage overall we’re left with rare excitement and passion and most of that there is to make of it is connection and intimacy. Therefore, we’re ruining that chance. Cuz, each time we act on our lust and sexualize or even look at mere pritzus we’re training ourselves into the excitement mode which marriage can’t fulfill. Going down the route is never successful our spouse can’t live up. This isn’t my own thing, Chazal said it too! The more we feed- the more thirst. I believe it’s referring to exactly this - sexual excitement.

Kind of reminds of the chassan shmuez I received back in the day - "Your wife will serve you supper, be open for intimacy every once in a while (probably with an emphasis on the 'once' more than the 'while') and will change your kids diapers should you merit children. Do not expect any excitement - marriage will be boring, productive, bland, fulfilling, dull and should you God forbid get divorced, there is no way you would do it again."

I kind of hate that outlook on marriage though. Marriage is a journey with its ups and downs, highs and lows. It should be a continual process between the husband and wife of learning and growth. Sure, it'll be boring SOMETIMES, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to find small ways to make it fun and exciting.

That was precisely my point; the poster insinuated that sex in marriage should not be exciting. I guess satire does not work so well on this site; it used to though.

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 16:19 #379041

I’d like to clarify.. sex in a marriage is fulfilling! Especially when it’s full of love, intimacy, and connection. My point was that if your goal of sex with your wife is to reach the most possible excitement then your fighting an uphill battle. It won’t live up to the expectations, because excitment doesn’t last especially when there’s such high sexual exceptions. Each time we lust we’re feeding into the same expectation- That lust and sexual adventure will give me what I need! One has to be careful with this because eventually it’ll be his goal with his wife and everything will be sexualized and one big lust which will never live up. We know this because your wife isn’t an adventure and nothing “new”  that our lustful minds will get a high from. That was my point  
Yes, sex can be passionate and exciting and at times we will get that high - hooray. But it’s something that shouldn’t be the focus it’ll come here and there. however, If it’s the focus it wont live up.
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29
Last Edit: 24 Mar 2022 16:21 by shtarkandemotional.

Re: BT2001's Journey 24 Mar 2022 16:33 #379044

  • bego
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Shtarkandemotional wrote on 24 Mar 2022 16:19:
I’d like to clarify.. sex in a marriage is fulfilling! Especially when it’s full of love, intimacy, and connection. My point was that if your goal of sex with your wife is to reach the most possible excitement then your fighting an uphill battle. It won’t live up to the expectations, because excitment doesn’t last especially when there’s such high sexual exceptions. Each time we lust we’re feeding into the same expectation- That lust and sexual adventure will give me what I need! One has to be careful with this because eventually it’ll be his goal with his wife and everything will be sexualized and one big lust which will never live up. We know this because your wife isn’t an adventure and nothing “new”  that our lustful minds will get a high from. That was my point  
Yes, sex can be passionate and exciting and at times we will get that high - hooray. But it’s something that shouldn’t be the focus it’ll come here and there. however, If it’s the focus it wont live up.

Are you married?
I came.
I saw
I conquered.
I failed. 
Too much I. 
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