Hi, I've been struggling with these issues. I wouldn't necessarily call it a dependence; when I am busy and have stuff actively going on in my life it's easy as pie to not think about P&M, but when I'm in situations where I'm primarily dealing with self-motivated activities, then it is far easier for me to go to P&M. And sometimes I don't always understand or know how it is wrong (which can tend to be a pretty large roadblock).

I've mostly blown off GYE and said I don't need to consider it too much to help me, that I can fight my urges alone; but I want to try it. Maybe it'll help. Definitely having a community will help me.

The main issue with P&M I have is that after I do, I've noticed my motivation hits a BIG low the following day. For instance, last night I watched, then this morning I woke up at 11, missing an early morning engagement I was supposed to attend. Additionally, I just want to be better and strengthen myself so that I can also strengthen my connection with my future wife.

Welcome and hopefully we can be inspired together.  I tried going it alone for 30 years.  I was not successful.  My perspective has changed tremendously since I joined GYE.   

hopefully you will be able to learn, as I was able, to use your battles as a source of inspiration instead of something that makes you feel down.  

I just started actively participating, and already seeing so much support from the boys. It helps me put my emotions in writing, which gets me back to myself.

BT2001 wrote on 22 Mar 2022 17:46:

Correct. Pornography and lust are absolutely ruinous to a marriage. Don't let anyone tell you that marriage will solve a pornography or lust problem. Attraction to women is healthy and normal and marriage can help a man constructively direct these healthy sexual energies. However, compulsive lusting and corruption of the mind with what pornography tells us is desirable sex are nothing short of poison and marriage will only exacerbate these problems.
So, consider yourself among the lucky, as you have the opportunity to rewire your brain before getting married.

Hi BT2001, 

I resonate with the lack of clarity on why these habits are wrong, especially in the first few weeks/months of trying to quit. We learned these habits very early on and none of us were trying to do anything wrong, we were just kids that lacked proper education. Now we're all in the process of re-educating ourselves on intimacy, it takes time! Welcome to GYE, wishing you lots of success here!

GYE will definitely help, before I found out about it I tried stopping for maybe 8 months straight and I could not make it past 35 days. After finding about it, in October, I'm more than 90 days clean from m and exactly 7 days from watching any p or anything assur in a matter of months baruch Hashem. I recommend you start your journey by looking into filters and accountability services. I listed a few in my signature that should help you filter most, if not all, of your devices.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 22 Mar 2022 20:31:

Wow, this is so true! This is something that should be spread as much as possible! Many don’t understand why this is true cuz all the unmarried guys never experienced the fade of sexual excitement. However, there’s no excitement in our lives that lasted long term. Think of masturbation itself it’s not exciting after! Excitement comes and goes especially sexual excitement! If that’s our whole life and what we want from our spouse then we’re doomed. Because at the end of the day in a marriage generally we’re left with rare excitement and passion and most of that there is to make of it is connection and intimacy. Therefore we’re ruining that chance each time we act on our lust and sexualize or even look at mere pritzus because we’re training ourselves into the excitement mode which marriage can’t fulfill. Going down the route is never successful - our spouse can’t live up. This isn’t my own thing, Chazal said it too! The more we feed- the more thirst. I believe it’s referring to exactly this - sexual excitement.

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Mar 2022 17:54:

Kind of reminds of the chassan shmuez I received back in the day - "Your wife will serve you supper, be open for intimacy every once in a while (probably with an emphasis on the 'once' more than the 'while') and will change your kids diapers should you merit children. Do not expect any excitement - marriage will be boring, productive, bland, fulfilling, dull and should you God forbid get divorced, there is no way you would do it again."

The more you feed it the more we thirst, the more we starve it, the more satiated you will be.

Excuse my blunt reaction, but i hope that either you misunderstood the chassan rebbi, or if you didn't - that he has left the field of chassan shmuessen.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 23 Mar 2022 19:21:

It was actually a reply to the fellow who was preaching that one should not expect any sexual excitement in marriage.

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Mar 2022 17:54:

I like to think of it differently. Yes, marriage can and IY"H will bring much sexual satisfaction. And for me, so does masturbating and fantasizing. The thing is that when I fantasize or watch I don't have just one girl that I am into who I can fully satisfy my desires with. One is never enough, I want them all. 

This is the issue that marriage does not fix. Marriage can bring a wonderful sex life, but you are still stuck with one. Why if today you want to have them all do you think when you get married things will be different? I think that when guys get married, it's not because their marriage sucks that they are looking elsewhere, rather it's because they want as much as they can get. 

I cannot emphasize this enough, even guys with great sexual satisfaction still end up looking elsewhere for more.

If we can learn to live without it, maybe we can be satisfied with just one.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 23 Mar 2022 21:31:

While certainly marriage means you have to be satisfied with one woman only, I need to add something that you didn't write, but that is very important. Getting married does not change the completely selfish outlook to sex that fantasizing + masturbation ingrains in a guy. When a woman will see that she is being used as a mere kosher masturbation tool, yikes; that marriage is in for some serious problems. So for this reason, too, we have to realize that lusting and fantasizing is a recipe for a terrible life.

Ignore this.

WhenZaidyWasYoung wrote on 23 Mar 2022 18:05:

I kind of hate that outlook on marriage though. Marriage is a journey with its ups and downs, highs and lows. It should be a continual process between the husband and wife of learning and growth. Sure, it'll be boring SOMETIMES, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to find small ways to make it fun and exciting.