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TOPIC: My new life 8631 Views

Re: My new life 29 May 2022 06:22 #381319

  • bochur23
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There's an interesting discussion going on here (and onwards) about "double standards" regarding being a "top bochur"/super frum and struggling with this. A lot of valid points brought up. Here's my two cents (posted it there as well):

I think there was a deeper point in frank.lee's post (if that wasn't his intention, then it's my point:wink:).

​Sure, double standards are bad for the most part (although some people still pointed out certain benefits even then). But is it a double standard, when I live up to it in some areas and I others not? It's not a "All or nothing", what I do live up to isn't necessarily fake just because I struggle in something else.

There's a story about the fourth Lubavitcher Rebbe: one of his chassidim would wear chassidic clothes when visiting his Rebbe, and would wear business attire while on business trips. After a while he thought to himself "who am I tricking?" So he decided to come to the Rebbe in his business clothes. When the Rebbe saw him he commented "and I thought you were faking by the business trips, not here..."

The point is, who is the real me? The one who is a top bochur etc who also has a real struggle in this area, or am I really OTD and just putting on a good show for everyone else?
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
Last Edit: 29 May 2022 06:24 by bochur23.

Re: My new life 29 May 2022 10:41 #381320

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I think my main point was that just because you have a challenge in a certain, private area of life, it does not mean you are a bad person. But the way our minds work is like that, we don't realize that it is common, healthy, normal etc. a gift from Hashem.

Re: My new life 30 May 2022 06:26 #381356

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Boruch hashem day 6 clean.
I started doing the flight to freedom program, did the introduction and first unit. Is there a specific pace to be going at? I was thinking of one unit per day, but some are really short and some are really long, and not each lesson has 7 units (I think it's meant to be one lesson a week, no?).

@frank.lee: sorry for misrepresenting your point. I guess then it's just my point...
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com

Re: My new life 31 May 2022 03:35 #381377

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Wow! Boruch hashem I made it to my goal - 7 days clean! That's 100% success rate for the last week, and 86% since ט''ז אייר. Meanwhile I'm continuing to stay busy during the day, and not be alone by the computer at night.
my current goal is to get to 10 days, so 3 more days (Thursday night).

I continued the next two units of the flight to freedom program, but I didn't yet do the core values worksheet. Im yirtzeh Hashem I'll do it tomorrow.
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com

Re: My new life 01 Jun 2022 11:25 #381421

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So... I made it to 8 days clean, but then late last night I fell . It's the longest I've been clean for since pesach, so boruch hashem for that!

My main chavrusah wasn't available yesterday (he had a simcha), and I got the thought in my head that now I have free time to watch porn, I'm anyways past my goal וכו' וכו'. Then I thought to myself, just the opposite - now I have free time to focus on the core values worksheet.
When it came down to it, I didn't do the worksheet during that free time, but I didn't watch porn then either. Later on, I downloaded a video to watch, but then I deleted it.

But then late last night I didn't listen to my rule not to be by the computer alone, and I ended up falling.

My goal isn't changing, I'm aiming for 10 days (י''א סיון). I'm not sure what specifically to learn from this fall which I didn't know already, I guess I'll continue with the flight to freedom program and see how it goes.
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
Last Edit: 02 Jun 2022 04:16 by bochur23.

Re: My new life 01 Jun 2022 15:59 #381424

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bochur23 wrote on 01 Jun 2022 11:25:
So... I made it to 8 days clean, but then late last night I fell:cry:. It's the longest I've been clean for since pesach, so boruch hashem for that!

My main chavrusah wasn't available yesterday (he had a simcha), and I got the thought in my head that now I have free time to watch porn, I'm anyways past my goal וכו' וכו'. Then I thought to myself, just the opposite - now I have free time to focus on the core values worksheet.
When it came down to it, I didn't do the worksheet during that free time, but I didn't watch porn then either. Later on, I downloaded a video to watch, but then I deleted it.

But then late last night I didn't listen to my rule not to be by the computer alone, and I ended up falling.

My goal isn't changing, I'm aiming for 10 days (י''א סיון). I'm not sure what specifically to learn from this fall which I didn't know already, I guess I'll continue with the flight to freedom program and see how it goes.

8 Days????????

AMAZING!!!!!!!!

Keep your mind on the goal which is today. 
Please do me a favor and stop counting.

If you happen to have 90 clean days after having a consistent daily goal, that’s nice, but not the time to party. The time to party is when your daily goal works. So figure it out including a plan for the summer (I mean today )!
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Re: My new life 01 Jun 2022 19:26 #381428

  • vehkam
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8 days is amazing! that is the lmaaleh min hateva and also kneged the shmonas yimei milah!

It can take time to retrain yourself to the point where watching pornography is just not an option that you would consider.

continued hatzlocha and keep in touch.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: My new life 02 Jun 2022 03:42 #381452

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So today is back to day 1 clean for me, boruch hashem.
I filled out the core values worksheet from the flight to freedom program. I think it was clarifying for me not just for this, but also in general to know what my priorities are.

@markz: I agree that I should focus on just today, and not as much on counting. But I'm wondering, are they a complete סתירה one to another? Can't I also have aspirations where I want to get to long-term?

When I write it out, it might seem like overemphasizing my count. but i usually spend very little time thinking about that throughout the day, I just like pointing it out (to myself?). What do you think, is even just this not helpful?

Regarding the summer, I think until the end of Tammuz I'm pretty much going to be in the same situation I'm in now. So whatever I'm figuring out for now should work the same then. Afterwards I'll be in overnight camp and I probably won't have any access except for my filtered phone (so, looking forward?)
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
Last Edit: 02 Jun 2022 04:03 by bochur23.

Re: My new life 02 Jun 2022 19:12 #381473

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I very much agree that you should have long-term aspirations. The goal is that you will be clean for the rest of your life. It is not productive to think about that now, so just focus on the day. I think the count should be used as a chizuk that you have gotten so far.
But as Markz is saying, have a plan how to get through the day, and stick with it. Having a number and thinking how many days left can make it a little harder and not as productive. I think it could be for some people the hope to "accomplish" a 10 day streak will push them through each day. But for some all you need is to wake up in the morning and say, if I get through this day, it will be a major success without worrying about any other days.

It seems to me that you have a good daily plan and it is working. But when your schedule changed, it messed up the plan. You have to have a plan B that will keep you from crossing any lines you made.

Re: My new life 02 Jun 2022 20:04 #381476

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Yissie wrote on 02 Jun 2022 19:12:
I very much agree that you should have long-term aspirations. The goal is that you will be clean for the rest of your life. It is not productive to think about that now, so just focus on the day. I think the count should be used as a chizuk that you have gotten so far.
But as Markz is saying, have a plan how to get through the day, and stick with it. Having a number and thinking how many days left can make it a little harder and not as productive. I think it could be for some people the hope to "accomplish" a 10 day streak will push them through each day. But for some all you need is to wake up in the morning and say, if I get through this day, it will be a major success without worrying about any other days.

It seems to me that you have a good daily plan and it is working. But when your schedule changed, it messed up the plan. You have to have a plan B that will keep you from crossing any lines you made.

Hey I was going to write a response but now I see I have a great speech writer thank you so much Yissie 
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Re: My new life 03 Jun 2022 04:36 #381498

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Oh, that's what you meant. Thanks yissie for clarifying! Point taken, I agree 100 percent. The question is how to make this plan B (and I'm not sure about my plan A... Still needs work), especially since it's for unexpected situations. But I guess I need to work on that. Hopefully I'll get some insight over here, and from the flight to freedom program.

Day 2 clean boruch hashem.
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com

Re: My new life 07 Jun 2022 06:31 #381552

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I wasn't trying to prove the above point, but on Erev Shabbos I didn't have a regular schedule (since I was traveling somewhere for Yom Tov), and I ended up falling... But since then I've been clean.

I'm not yet in a good place, but even staying clean when I'm in a normal situation is an accomplishment for me, and the more experience I get with that makes it easier, and will help also for out of the ordinary situations. Need to continue the flight to freedom program (started last week, but didn't finish lesson one before Yom Tov).

On to tomorrow, back to regular schedule בעזרת השם.
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com

Re: My new life 07 Jun 2022 07:38 #381554

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In reply to my post "sleepy" wrote:

people went to the lubavicher rebbe ztl and complained that your bachurim are fooling everyone (by looking and acting more frum than they were) answered the rabbe, let them fool , let them fool, until they even fool themselves -meaning theyll start feeling internaly what was originaly just acting externaly - a gadols view...


[I don't want to hijack that thread, so I'll add my two cents here. ]

Just for accuracy I'll point out that - if I'm not mistaken - this story happened with the first Chabad Rebbe, the Baal HaTanya (he brought a "proof" from the last Mishnah of מסכת פאה).

This is also an important lesson. Chazal tell us that מתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה, so we shouldn't hold back from doing a mitzvah even if it isn't sincere right now. The ספר החינוך writes that אחר הפעולות נמשכים הלבבות, the action itself will awaken the feeling in the person. The Baal HaTanya was pointing out that even if they were "faking" beyond their level, they'll "grow into it".

(This is in addition to the point I was making that not necessarily is it fake to begin with.)

Practically speaking, I'm not sure how/if to apply it in our situation (besides for the fact that it was a response to others who were saying that it was fake, while from those chassidim themselves he clearly demanded authenticity), where the discussion is about the "double life" is being a big strain on the person. If so it would seem that the "faking" is holding him back, not pushing him forward. I guess practically each person (with the help of עשה לך רב וקנה לך חבר, a mentor and/or a friend they can be open with) needs to see what works for him.

:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
Last Edit: 07 Jun 2022 07:41 by bochur23.

Re: My new life 09 Jun 2022 10:15 #381695

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The past two days have been rough, kept falling again and again... I don't want to say I'm disappointed in myself (or I'll be attacked for being too hard on myself ח''ו ), but I've definitely overestimated where I'm holding.

that pre-shavuos fall affected me more than I thought, struggling to move on. I need to "reset" myself mentally, and continue doing what worked for me before shavuos. And I need to continue the flight to freedom program (I've been avoiding answering -to myself- the questions on the "reasons for change" unit...).
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com

Re: My new life 10 Jun 2022 07:08 #381744

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Boruch hashem clean for today, getting back into my regular routine, chavrusos, sedarim etc.
יאוש - בכלל ה"ז היפך אמונתנו ותורתנו הנקראת תורת אמת - ז.א. המתארת המציאות לאמתתה, שהקב"ה משגיח על כאו"א בגו"ר ועוזרו וכו'.
הצינור והכלי לקבלת עזר לברכות השם - ה"ז הנהגה מתאימה לרצון השם, היינו ע"פ שו"ע.

Feel free to PM me, or email me at 23bochur@gmail.com
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