You are welcome to start any group but I really feel that this is a personal journey and the only recommendation I have is for each person to commit to something positive that talks to them.

 This particular journey that I invited the chevra to join is not about accountability.  It is about connecting to something positive with the goal of being able to stand vulnerably before hashem and tap into the inspiration of a specific zman.

Thank you vekham for the inspiration.

Sharing my thoughts.

For many years since i began actively trying to be clean I have said at the end of shemone esrei every day יהי רצון מלפניך ה אלוקי ואלוקי אבותי שלא אחטא עוד ולא אחזור בהם ולא אשוב עוד להכעיסך ולא אעשה הרע בעיניך ומה שחטאתי לפניך מרק ברחמיך הרבים אבל לא על ידי יסורים וחליים רעים.
 This was at times a prayer, at times a wish, at times a desperate reminder to myself that this is what I want underneath everything seemingly opposite piled on top of it. In good times, it was a reminder that I was as vulnerable as ever and needed Hashems help without which I could never succeed.

More recently, in my work to appreciate and celebrate my achievements (something I still learning how to do) I added to my intention in מזמור לתודה my gratitude for having the privilege of a clean day and the privilege of hoping, praying, and working for another.

Even more recently, iI began to say kapitel 13 daily, as a prayer for myself in whatever challenges I feel helpless in, as a reminder that without Hashems grace, I am helpless before lust, and as a prayer that I, everyone on here, and every Yid in the world struggling with kedusha, be helped and merit to rejoice אשירה לה' כי גמל עלי.

vekhams beautiful call to עשה טוב hachana for our yearly physical cleansing from the evil inclination and reclaiming of our birthright as soul carrying Yidden, is inspiring me to focus even more on the celebratory aspect of kapitel 13 and build up towards the great celebration of our eternal national freedom by the Hand of God, and the accopanying celebration of whatever level of personal freedom we have (anyone on this forum already had a great degree of that) whether it be purely Godly gifted or as a product of work one has been Godly gifted in doing, and is therefore מחויב to celebrate and give himself credit for.

Beautiful. Thanks for posting this here. 

Vehkam wrote on 10 Apr 2024 03:05:

Another repost. Bh. 

Wow!!

Thank you for reposting; I wasn't part of the family at this time last year so I hadn't seen it. What a beautiful idea.....

vehkam wrote on 06 Mar 2025 05:56:

Burning my chometz today was accompanied by a wonderful feeling reflecting on my last year (and a great call from a chaver here)..... Thank you Vehkam for sharing this beautiful idea with us. 

Thank you so much for posting. The truth is that I had a lot to say, but no time to say it. My message to everyone is focus on the positive appreciate what you are doing. Keep trying to connect. To hashem no matter what.

Have a beautiful yomtov
Vehkam

Muttel wrote on 11 Apr 2025 16:22:

Ditto what Muttel said. 

Except for the feeling of feeling wonderful when reflecting on the last year. I actually mostly just felt bad that I screwed up the forty days leading up to pesach pretty thoroughly. No positivity, no growth, no focus on much besides for porn really.

But it hit me that I burn the chometz and I don't feel like an idiot for having all that chometz in the first place. Should I have stocked up on cheerios a month before Pesach? No. But right now I just need to get rid of it and be happy with the biur. So maybe there's a place for that here too here.

Anyway. It's a beautiful idea Vehkam, and thank you for putting it out there. Negativity aside, I did go 40 days without reading a novel because of this (but for one especially lousy day) and I think that helped with preparing for pesach. So shkoyach!

A little sad tonight.  Someone I know was arrested in a sting operation for soliciting underage.   While I prefer not to talk about the specifics of that case (and I did not engage in illegal activities) it does bring back to me the pain of living with the secrets.  

Today is my fathers yahrtzeit. I am reposting this from three years ago. May his neshama have an aliya. 

I had an experience this week that I would like to share.  I believe that it can be helpful to many.

My father passed away six years ago this week, after a steady decline of over fifteen years.  I was not particularly close to my father.   when I was young, his role was the disciplinarian. I was very dedicated to him, especially when he was in a state of decline.  However,  when he passed away, I did not miss him.  My father had a somewhat closed personality and the concept of unconditional love was not something I knew existed.  (It is possible that he had it, but it did not register with me.)  I did not speak by the levaya.  I did speak by the shloshim and everyone cried, but that was it.

Every year I would go to the kever by the yahrtzeit.  It was a pretty empty experience.  I would show up, say some Tehillim, talk a little about the kids etc, put my rock on top of the matzeiva and then leave… but I did not feel connected.

My father was a great man.  It was his commitment and courage from the time he was quite young that made our family into Shomrei torah umitzvos.  If not for him, we could easily have been another statistic in the lost/intermarried yidden of out-of-town America.  He was a growing person who was committed to torah and chesed.  He always stood up for what he believed was right.  His family was always important to him.

So why didn’t I miss him? Why was I so disconnected?

Before pesach, I was walking in the street.  I was listening to my headphones as I often do, in order to remove myself from the sights and sounds of nyc.  I thought to myself that if my father would see me now he would be so happy and proud of the life that I am now living.

Then It hit me, that the disconnect I always felt had nothing to do with my father’s somewhat closed personality. Over the years I had been closed myself! I was fiercely guarding my secrets and had an inner wall that I had put up.  It was not visible to anyone else and I seemed to function just fine but the wall was there nonetheless.  Ensuring that no one ever got close enough to see through the façade and discover all the terrible things I was doing.

Now that I am be’h living a pure life the wall is no longer there.

 (incredibly, immediately after I had this realization, the song birchas habonim started playing.  Y’simcha k’efraim umnashe… Yevarechech hashem… – the same bracha that my father said to me every erev yom kippur… I burst out crying – bh for nyc mask mandates!)

I remember vividly what happened after my father passed away.  I had the opportunity to be alone with him after the tahara.  I remember how guilty I felt.  Now that my father was in the oilam haemes he probably knew the truth about me.  How disappointed he must have felt?!  I cried and I apologized.  And I didn’t think about it again.  When I went to the cemetery every year I did not have anything to offer.  I was a fraud and a disappointment.  I went through the routines but my heart was like a stone.  There was no conncection.  I was in a closed off distant world.

When I want to the cemetery this week it was very different.  I was able to daven.  I was able to connect.  I no longer had to hide anything.  I finally felt that my continued existence in this world could bring benefit to his neshama in the next world.   So I said my Tehillim, and I davened and I cried my heart out.  I davened that I be successful in continuing this journey…  I davened that my children remain Shomrei torah umitzvos… and that we all continue to bring nachas to him.  The idea of meeting again at techiyas hameisim is no longer a source of embarrassment and shame but is actually something I can start to look forward to .

When I left the cemetery I felt so fulfilled.  I called a GYE friend and described the experience. He responded to me that “I lost my father when I was 18 and struggling like you were.  I know exactly what you mean.  I felt the same emptiness every year…. isn’t it amazing how different if feels now?”

I am sure that there are others out there that have similar feelings.  Some of you may have been lucky to have parents that expressed unconditional love in a way that you never needed to put up these walls.  I was not that lucky.

But I did have a father that loved and sacrificed for me.

He was not the one that put up the barriers… it was me all along!

I hope my experience can inspire you to start removing some of those barriers.

May the zchus of my journey and anyone that I can inspire be an aliya for his neshama.

(some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.)