Day 58
Clean over shabbos BH

Almost at 60! Keep it coming!!

Looking_to_improve wrote on 12 Jun 2021 21:53:

Awesome! 

Day 59
Not in such a great mood tonight but clean nonetheless bh

Your heading into 60 days!
Amazing stuff, really!

Good to see you back on your feet

Looking_to_improve wrote on 13 Jun 2021 21:15:

I love this!!!

This ain't no walk in the park! no one said it's going to be easy. You push through anyway! That's the sign of a warrior, you don't give up when it gets rough. 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 14 Jun 2021 04:55:

Thanks, although my bad mood was unrelated to taiva

Feeling a bit weak now, will keep you updated

What are you doing to celebrate your 60 day streak? 

Looking_to_improve wrote on 14 Jun 2021 19:51:

No you are not. Being in desire or feeling an urge is uncontrollable. Feeling weak is a decision. Grab a hold of yourself my friend and role model!!!

DavidT wrote on 14 Jun 2021 20:23:

Had a small treat today which I haven't had in a while. Tried to express a lot of hakoras hatov when making the bracha

Day 60
2 months clean bH. I think it's only my 2nd time this far

Spoke to a gye friend tonight, we've messaged a lot recently, but haven't called in a while. It helped to some degree, still had a small urge, but had a few errands to do anyway and it was getting late.

In other news, on the fantasy front, things seen to be improving. But I've also been trying to search for some images recently, like today during lunch, which needs to stop.

I'm holding at an interesting place now: Many days BH are really not such an issue, no urges, and the days when I do have urges, they are much more milder than what I've had in the past. But on the other hand, I still feel a draw towards searching for images (although I think this aspect might be regular for a hormonal 20 year old), and I think I'm dependant on my filter. I think knowing that it is effective hugely reduces the desire and level of urges, but I don't know if I've really changed so much. I think that will be ok for the next month or so in yeshiva, but I think when I go home and next year in a different environment outside of yeshiva, will really be a stress test to see where I'm really holding.

Day 61
Clean bH, but still trying to look for images here and there

Dude you gotta cut it out.

The filter can be a lifesaver but if your someich on it one time it might not work and then you will see an image, something you shouldn't see, but something you desperately want to see.

9 times out of 10 you see the image and then you fall. It's pretty hard to hold back after or while seeing the image.

So essentially your testing your filter to see if it can prevent you from falling and the filter keeps persisting again and again.

But if the filter ever fails (which becomes more and more likely the more you test it, because you learn what doesn't work leaving you to try new things which will prob eventually work) then you have to start all over again. And maybe we place too much importance on the streaks and you can continue from where you left off. But my 0.02$ is that the streak is what motivates us so once you fall its likely you fall again and again and get into a rut of a few months before getting back up on the horse. If you can't believe this check out some of the big machers (no sarcasm intended - really have a lot of respect) around here on GYE who were doing incredible and then fell and have been in a been of a rut.

Logic and pure seichel says obviously don't test the filter its ridiculous but the emotion and longing and addiction prevails and hungers to test the filter but perhaps constantly thinking of the lack of logic will lead you to realize that it makes absolutely 0 sense whatsoever and is the animal soul inside you talking. We were created for a loftier purpose!

If i remember correctly your previous high was 68 (correct me if im wrong pls). So your goal should be to at least surpass that - to hit 70. Then we can talk again from there but at least last till then thats only 9 more days youve done that 6 times already.

Maybe read through your own thread and see how frustrating it was after your fall from 68 and how hard it will be to get back to where you were. Its worth it to hold back now no matter how painful it is to prevent yourself from feeling pain multiplied 100fold later. It even feels good when after this "image testing nisayon" has gone away a bit you look back and say "wow I had this huge test but never failed and now I BH reached x number of days"

Sorry if this was a bit harsh I just feel like that is what you need right now

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 16 Jun 2021 04:32:

Okay, sorry to burst your bubble, but here are my two cents. Guys who fall after a long streak and cannot pick themselves up afterwards especially when it comes to the guys who are here a while, it has little to do with the fact that the streak was their only motivation and a lot to do with the fact that they have a bigger problem, one that "doing a streak" just doesn't fix. 

If you can do the 90 day thing, maybe fall the first time or two then get to 3000 etc. great, that means that your struggle is a different one than the guys who cannot pick themselves up. 

Guys get excited when they first show up here, or some other motivation, like getting caught and they put together a nice streak. Some guys understand that there is more to it and they work on underlying things, go to therapy, speak to a mentor, etc. and some guys don't. When We don't deal with the real problem and just "stay clean" we are in for a life of suffering. It's like treating a heart attack with a tylenol.

I am not saying that everyone breaks after a while, rather that for some, the main role that the streak plays is to indicate that they have a bigger issue and that counting days just wont cut it. It's not a motivation issue, it's a bigger issue that needs dealing with. 

I think that Mr. LTI proves my point perfectly. He knows good and well that what he is doing is dangerous, he doesn't need anyone to tell him that. It would seem that his streak is his main motivation (yeah, that feeling of success) and therefore he is okay with "sticking to the rules" even though looking for stuff isn't a special mitzvah either. There are two approaches to this, one is to say, well, my goal is not to masturbate so anything more is just "too much!" The other option is to take some time to think, why is it that I am looking? Am I bored? Do I feel like my life is missing something? Why is it that I only care about the streak but I am okay with doing other things that I know are harmful? 

If at 60+ days a person is just making it by the skin of their teeth, I think it's time for a deeper look.

Sometimes it's as simple as finding a new hobby, or keeping busy. Sometimes it's looking for more meaning in life. And sometimes it's dealing with messier stuff. 

I think that a healthy goal for now would be to set up some time (even better if you can do this with someone with whom you can be honest and knows how to help) to write down the situations and feelings that you have when you are tempted to start looking. Are you escaping from something? Bored? Stressed? Make a list, share it with us here and try to be honest. This will get you far more than another 10 days of white knuckling.  

We learnt how to live without porn, now we need to learn how to live with ourselves.