Rosh Chodesh Nissan = Renewal

Rosh Chodesh is a time of Hischadshus, Renewal. Its also a lesson for us not to give in, because always when the moon is in its smallest position, it's a sign that it starts to grow again. Rosh Chodesh Nissan even more. It's Rosh Chadashim - the foremost time of "renewal". It's a beginning of a new year, the beginning of the spring, Chodesh Ho'oviv. Nisson is also the month of Geulah. I've also learnt that this chodesh has a tremendous Koach to add Kedusha to our lives.

I wish us all a true Hischadshus, a Geulah in ourselves, and Geulah to Am Yisroel, Bimheyro biyomeynu, Omein!

GOOD CHODESH!

I don't want to over react but $#!& !!!!
After almost hitting 40 days clean (BH), I just had to fall 
​It wasn't even as pleasurable as it usually is. 
On one hand I feel like it's not a big deal because I spent the last 4 years of my life doing it b'kvius. 
On the other hand, I now chap what everyone means when they refer to the post-fall yiush. I'm indescribably disappointed in myself. In fact, the agonizing despair alone is the best deterrent I've come across yet to not do it again. 
The thing is, since I've joined GYE about 5 weeks ago, shmiras einayim and shmiras habris has been at the forefront of my mind 24/7. (This is probably attributed to the fact that before 5 weeks ago, shmutz and masturbation were at the forefront of my mind 24/7.) It was like one moment I was discussing these inyanei kedusa with other gye chaverim and reading through the threads trying to improve myself and the next moment I'm cleaning up my bed.
I was actually debating whether or not I should even tell anyone about my fall, because it's the easiest thing in the world to just lie and say I'm still clean (I've been lying about this stuff since I knew what it was). I guess what convinced me is that I owe it to yall to be honest.
Last thing: this was quite the megillah of a post since it was my first time  being m"zl after starting the thread. C"v if I do fall again, there probably won't be another novel for you guys to read. 

40 Days is a huge accomplishment! How do you plan to celebrate that?
R Grant often recommends to write down exactly how you feel at the moment. This can be used as great deterrent for future falls.
Hatzlocha!

I think I was at 38 days clean from masturbation. BH I made my goal to get past Adar so I celebrated with some hard cider and beigel's rainbow bars (idc what anyone says, they're fire lol- not sponsored)

You have not let anyone down. You are an amazing guy who has inspired me immensely. Pick yourself up and continue with your head held high! 

Grant400 wrote on 10 Mar 2021 14:35:

This is what Lou was referring to, I think

 שבע יפול צדיק וקם. The person is a צדיק also if he falls.
This doesn't mean that it is ok to fall (the person who purposely falls is a different story).
You are a strong willed person. Let's celebrate 38 days, dust ourselves off, plug up the holes in our plan, reassess and get back on the horse. 

Mazal tov on such a great accomplishment! You had a great run!

Everyone has falls. It's part of the healing process. Did you think that you can a break a habit of many years overnight? It takes work, hard work.

In every war even the eventual victory sustains losses in certain battles, but the reason they defeat the enemy in the end is simple. They understand that losing a battle is inevitable, it is part and parcel of winning a war. They just make sure to learn from the mistakes, and improve. They don't hightail out of there after receiving a blow.

If one honestly learns from his falls and becomes smarter because of it, it's not a fall. It's a lesson. It's another stepping stone in his journey to freedom. It's a purple heart pinned to his uniform, paying homage to his valiant battle.

On the other hand, if one walks away and tells himself next time will be different, yet without making changes or mental notes how he will achieve that, he's a fool. He will get clobbered and then remorsefully cry his dose of crocodile tears. Like it has been quoted here, "One who does the same thing hoping for different results is a fool".

As was mentioned already, write down your feelings and keep it around. You can even post it here. It works wonders to refresh the strong feelings you have now.

So my friend, we all see your fight and determination. You are the real stuff. Use this fall properly, and stand upon it to reach higher and future goals!

As others said, 40 days is nothing to sneeze at. And recovery is not linear. I like that GYE tracks your cumulative clean days as well as your uninterrupted streak--both are important, and of the past ~41 days, you were clean on 40, which is a big deal! As Grant400 said, it's good to change something in your recovery strategy after a fall. This is what will help internalize that this new streak is different from past ones that ended in falls. Much hatzlacha!

I just posted this on someone else's thread, but realized it's even more shayach to myself. I'm really talking to myself with this

Grant400 wrote on 18 Mar 2021 13:48:

This has gotta be one of the most emesdik posts on this site! Reb Grant makes a profound point by saying it's not a competition. We all joined here on our own accord; it wasn't to impress anyone, it wasn't to beat anyone in a staying clean competition. For the majority of us, our families, wives, and friends don't even know that we're on here. For the majority of us, we started this battle with the only intentions of enhancing our own quality of life, purity, and yiras shamayim. Unfortunately however, some of us (myself included) have lost sight of our initial intentions. We pretend we're clean even though we just looked up some lingerie catalogue- it's not porn, but it's not not porn. Honestly, who are we trying to impress by saying we're still clean? If it's not our wives and our families that we're trying to impress, is it a bunch of strangers on an internet forum? That's like the most goyishe thing ever to do. 

C'mon Rabbosai, how much more goyishe are we going to let ourselves get before we realize what really matters here? Are we taking on this unprecedented battle to lord over some number on a screen? (It's mamesh like a multi-player video game with all the levels) Are we taking on this unprecedented battle to lord over some internet strangers how long we can go without looking at shmutz? NO! We're doing it for ourselves and HK"BH. That's it! Forget what anyone else thinks. 
אם אין אני לי מי לי
The only reason why there's a forum of other people is so that we can be mechazeik them and they can give chizuk to us- it's mamesh not a competition! When you make it a competition, the only one that loses is you!

Shalom Aleichem!
I haven't posted on this thread in a lil while so heres an update:
I was gonna try to start being more productive as of rosh chodesh Nissan. However that didn't exactly work out as I was hoping it would. I am still having a lot of difficulty motivating myself to do my work (both schoolwork and parnassah), to exercise, and to daven (I have a hard time motivating myself to daven b'yechidus 3 times a day). BH I am always motivated to learn tho

In other news, today i let my sister borrow my laptop for the rest of the week and I'm already experiencing some symptoms of withdrawal from that lol. Like i still have my phone that I can do stuff on but its so heavily filtered BH that it doesn't work as well. Plus the
pc version of this site is sooo much more user-friendly than the app. (Btw, does anyone know if you can get the gye chat messages on the gye app?)

Thinking i shouldve named this thread "Technology Addiction: The Chronicles" 

Still clean tho baruch Hashem!

Today was good BH. Finished making my pesach cleaning playlist, helped clean my friend’s cars and cleaned my own car too. I’ve found one of the best ways to stay clean is to clean lol. Also BH I scheduled an appointment with the local TAG office for tomorrow to help me install a filter on my pc.

I’ve also been kinda sad lately cuz I just found out this evening that my mother’s cancer is back and she’ll prob have to start chemotherapy again.

Anyways gonna be mekabel to be extra makpid on shmiras einayim for the refuah shleimah of my mother and to help one of my GYE partners find parnassah bezras Hashem!

Also there was a shooting a few minutes from where I live... scary times. R”L (Joe Biden’s America)

Oyy must be hard. 
I wish her a refuah shleima!
What's her name, I'll say some tehillim bln

HappyYid wrote on 23 Mar 2021 02:31:

Thank you HappyYid! Rivka bas Rochel

Decided to post now cuz I doubt I will have time tomorrow. BH I'm still clean from both shmutz and zera levatala.

I've had quite the day. I got no sleep last night because I was binge watching a tv show. I was supposed to be working but I kept telling myself "Just one more episode", and the next thing I knew it was already netz. So the whole day I've been trying to function off caffeine and adderall (not fun!)

Also, I saw someone at a siyum this morning that I haven't seen in like 5 years. I have pretty bad social anxiety in that type of situation so I was kinda nervous to reconnect but BH it went very well.

Been having a lot of struggles with shmiras einayim, especially with my ssa. I don't look at guys that I know lustfully, but with strangers on the street, it's nearly impossible to control my eyes. Not just with men but also with attractive women too, I often catch myself taking a second glance when they're dressed immodestly. 

Can anyone provide some insight on why the y"h is attacking me on so many fronts at once- procrastination, ssa, female pritzus?
Wishing everyone here a chag kasher vesameach, an amazing Shabbos, and a clean night!