Grant400 wrote on 26 Oct 2020 17:21:

First of all, thank you Grant. I just came back to my room and was probably going to fall. Seeing your message, directed to me, was enough to bring me to my senses.

I think I am overly dependant on my filter, I don't have a browser or any news. Would it be better to have more access to other (kosher)things so I don't spend time trying to break through instead? I don't have access to sports scores of anything like that at the moment. How do I build up the correct mindset about why I have a filter and not just try to test it on a semi regular basis? When I went 44 days clean, I didn't try test for the majority of the time, so I know I'm capable of not doing it. 

Another though day today. BH made it through clean, but again not how I should have acted. 
Had a chavrusa and felt a lot of desire to act out when it was done. Only didn't act out because I couldn't find anything to look at. 
Came back to my room during dinner and felt quite similar, but saw grants message and that helped me get through until maariv. Night seder was ok, but had a vaad by a rebbe after and we did a very meaningful exercise, which pretty much cleared my mind for today.

Overall the last 2 days have been pretty poor. There have been some good moments, like when I deleted an app (in the heat of the moment)when I realised it was going to be problematic, but that only happened because I was snooping around too much. Basically I've been putting myself into situations which could become a nisayon, and emerged without slipping or falling, but that's not really an ideal day, avoiding the nisayon is what I should be doing. I think I would have fallen multiple times if I would have seen a trigger, I guess being too fussy, has helped me out for now.

I think I need a bit of a reset. Would appreciate recommendations how to do this effectively, I don't want tomorrow to continue in the same vain as these last 2 days.

That's all for now.
Looking_to_improve

Before attempting an answer based on my own personal experience I'd like to ask a question: Why do you have a filter? Is it because your parents want you to? Because yeshivas rules enforce it? Or was it a decision made purely by you?

I'm a bit short on time, grant I plan to answer you later today
Feeling some desire already this morning, I don't normally feel it so much in the morning. Going to have to be extra cautious today

I have filter at the moment because our yeshiva wants us to. In the past my parents made me get an app that put time limits on apps, but I don't think it filtered anything. 
I guess now that I have one, I want to have one, but I didn't in the past, I didn't have one before coming to Yeshiva.

Spoke to HHM just now, feeling a bit better than I did this morning. We agreed that I'll write up a shtar not to take my phone to the bathroom

Here's how I see it in retrospect.

By me, I had all the good intentions and drive, I had the inspiration and the wherewithal to actually achieve my goals. The problem was I was simply doing it wrong. I was focusing all of my positive energy and enthusiasm in the wrong place. Filters. I had an incorrect understanding that that is the only way. If not I would fall. So I was constantly checking my filter because that was "allowed" in my playbook. I was considered helpless in regard to trying. My only obligation was to prevent the trying from ever succeeding.

Understanding that this wasn't the case caused me to pinpoint where to focus my attention. So the mere fact of knowing that I am capable of not falling because of my own decision, even if my "stupid" filter "suddenly " stopped working or I found a loophole (that stupid filter company!!!!), already was enough for me. I had the drive and passion already, it just needed to be redirected to the correct place with the right understanding.

But, if you only have a filter because its school rules then trying to break it or find a way around is only par for the course. It's like prison. Nobody stays in prison if there's a way out because they were put there against their will. An "I guess" like you wrote is definitely not powerful enough.

Yet at the same time there's a reason you are here on GYE. This isn't a yeshiva requirement. So obviously you do want this yourself. It's not a prison to you. It's freedom and liberty to you. So disregard your yeshivas rules, discard the "I guess " mindset. Start really feeling that you yourself want this filter. (You know it's true). Start to understand that it's in your own personal best interests to remain clean. To not corrupt yourself daily with lowly animalistic rolling in filth. Reaffirm your commitment to remaining free and secure. Feel it in your bones!

Now, why would you keep checking? Why would finding a loophole mean a subsequent fall? Why would you escape a palatial hotel room you yourself checked into? Just calmly and firmly close that door. No panic or terror necessary.

A filter is not a gilded cage, it's a magnificent place to live in freedom.

                                   Grant

I think simply, that many of us mistakenly feel that when we get a filter we did our part and that if anything gets through we are an ones, and therefore not responsible.

This may or may not be true but if we want to break free, it's irrelevant.

(It's not, by the way. There is no mitzvas aseh to have a filter, it there to help us not do what will harm us.)

As it says in Dov's signature, "I don't care whether suicide is assur or not, I don't want to do it for other reasons."

Feeling a bit more back to normal now, think my desire to act out has relaxed bH

Keep going strong, Yes having a filter does help a lot and is a must as no-one is allowed to trust themselves, but it doesn't change us, as it says in the gye handbook, it's like putting a gorilla behind bars, the gorilla is still a gorilla, only we must also work on changing ourselves at the same time. I would suggest speaking on the phone to one of the gye team professionals who can guide you how to make that internal change. It is probably more effective than just posting on the forum! I really relate to your struggles, I spent my years in Yeshiva battling this.
Don't forget you are so normal that you have these struggles and with one day at a time you can achieve unimaginable heights.
Hatzlocho 

Thank you everyone for your messages and advice.

Last 3 days have been quite full of thoughts to act out, but I think this afternoon was the end of that period beH. The urges have subsided

I just wanna clarify a bit, when I'm feeling taiva then I try to find something to act out to. Given that my phone is filtered effectively, it means at the moment that I try to break through my filter. In general I don't just try to break through as a hobby when I'm not feeling lustful.
What I'm understanding from your messages is that I shouldn't try to test it out. Before my last fall I went 44 days clean, and I wasn't testing it, and I think I learned that thinking your filter is working well is equally as important as actually having a good filter.

Agree all the way, nearly every time I've acted out recently it's because I'm messing around trying to find stuff that my filter didn't block. don't search stam! personal experience! it starts with a click just searching for this or that and goes on from there as we all know....... 
hatzlocho, we love you.

Filters are necessary to avoid having the garbage too easily accessible. At an impulsive moment or after a major trigger, having that filter is a major game changer.  At the same time you are rewiring your brain to change your default setting of using acting out as your escape from stress etc.  As is very common, you are being very tough and judgmental on yourself. You would give much more leeway to a chaver who was describing the roller coaster you are experiencing. Bh you are focused and have who to share with. Just keep moving forward. You may get bumps and scratches as you traverse the forest, but there is sunlight shining in the distance.....and believe it or not, lots of rays are getting through the tree canopy above already.

Day 12
Been a very good day bH. Had one or two urges, but didn't dwell on them, or make them into a 3 day ordeal. Probably not going to be able to write later tonight, there's normally a shiur tonight that runs quite late. 
Signing off for today
Looking_to_improve

Day 13
Felt a bit weak earlier(not exactly an urge, but not nothing). Had something to eat, and my dad called when I had free time, so feeling back to normal now and in a good mood.
2 week tomorrow beH
Thanks for all the support on my last post!

2 weeks today
Very happy to be here bH. Had a difficult 3 day period, but mostly good other than that. I think keeping up my streak is gonna now be a factor in my motivation, but I also need to watch out over the next 2 for withdrawal symptoms.

My davening has improved a lot this week, I got a sefer that's helped me a lot, and also to be more consistent. I need to continue davening for us to have success in our battles.

Motsei shabbos is very long in Israel now, the clocks just changed, so will have to make sure I have things to do.

That's all for now, today's been pretty straightforward, shabbos is in early now, so today's quite busy.

Have a great shabbos!
Looking_to_improve