Today was decent, stayed clean bH. Looked at some triggers at lunch, and also last night which isn't great, so I'm working to block them. I generally have similar problems with my filter so I'm trying to get it solved in one go, instead of fixing one aspect and pushing the problem off to when I'm next curious, but it's a bit confusing for now, I think in gonna have to just delete some apps. Not such a big sacrifice in the scheme of things. 

I slipped today and then I fell, haven't fallen like this in a while. Got up out the dust quite quickly. Didn't drop my gemoro, but broke my mug. My shoes are quick slippery, not much tread on them, and the ground was smooth.

In all seriousness, today was pretty good bH, I think I'm starting to get back to where I was with regards to controlling my thoughts. Not much more to report for now. 

Looking_to_improve wrote on 21 Oct 2020 20:53:

You really freaked me out there, I couldn't figure out what your gemara and mug had to do with anything until...

wilnevergiveup wrote on 21 Oct 2020 21:00:

Yeah, was gonna say it was in public as well. Not sure it's funny (the last message as well) or just in bad taste...

Looking_to_improve wrote on 21 Oct 2020 20:53:

Had me for a second, so hats off to you. Good to see your doing better though.

Don't be too serious my friend, just keep your smile

You rock!

Another mostly straightforward day bH. Felt a bit curious a few mins ago but think it's mostly passed. 

ITK and Yeshivaguy are off to yeshiva soon, I think both this week, sounds like they won't be able to access the forum so often. We're gonna miss you guys. You are both a big inspiration, and it's been a huge help having you guys push me along the way.

I was learning alei shor today, and he quotes near to the beginning of the Sefer,  .תוס' כתובות סג about Rebbe Akiva and kalba savua. The main point he bought out from the 'תוס was that דדרך הוא בהולך ללמוד שנעשה אדם גדול. You guys are fortunate to be able to go back to Yeshiva, leave the distractions behind, learn and grow into an adam gadol. From what we've seen of you guys here, you already seem to be somewhat there. Make the most of it, hatzlocho with the upcoming zman, beH it should be successful, looking forward to hearing from you soon

Looking forward to going into shabbos with 1 week clean. I feel like I'm getting back to the level I was before.
Have a great shabbos everyone!

Shavua tov
Shabbos was pretty good bH. Friday night lying in bed I think my mind wandered a bit too much and I settled on it for too long, but overall the rest of the day I'm feeling quite positive that I'm getting back to where I was.
Should I expect withdrawal symptoms again in the coming weeks?

That's all for now

Woke up this afternoon from my nap in a sweaty semi-angry mood, feeling like I need a dopamine high from a much hated activity. But afternoon seder's calling. Gonna be a tough afternoon and evening. Will try keep you posted

Went back to my room after Seder, probably wasn't the best thing to do. Listened to Rav Weingbergers chabura on Yosef (someone recommended it recently) feeling a bit better, made a phone call, think I'm feeling almost back to normal

Night Seder was a bit shvach, still don't have the best schedule set out for it.
Made another phone call tonight and listened to another of Rabbi Weingbergers chaburas, quite enjoying them so far.

Think I found another problematic app on my phone that might have a loophole. A bit frustrated that my filter might not be working, but much more frustrated at myself that I bother to have a look. Really not a good idea to be searching around for loopholes given that I had some taiva earlier in the day (or really ever).
Deleted it and got it blocked before I looked at anything. Did a few sit ups afterwards as a poor excuse for a workout, while waiting to shower.

Even though I've been successful today, I still feel in a poor mood. I would have thought being omed benisayon would be a bit more joyful than this. Maybe its because I put myself into this nisayon. Oh well

I have more to say but struggling to formulate it well, gonna leave it for another time

If u have an iPhone lmk, I k ow how to make them safer

Thanks for the offer, it's an android...

Looking_to_improve wrote on 25 Oct 2020 22:38:

My friend, are you relying too much on your filter? From what I see you keep playing the same game. Searching for loopholes and then being upset about it (or at yourself?). Obviously one must have filters, that's just common sense. But, if filters becomes an obsession and is considered the main method to remain clean a fall is inevitable. 

I was the same. Have a look at my thread "Just regular movies". I constantly made sure I never had access at all. Ever. Obsessively. Because if I did I would become a possesed demon hacking away at the keys innocently searching for "kosher" entertainment or to satisfy my curiosity about something benign...but unfortunately I wasn't as well intentioned as I led myself to believe. (Or wanted to believe). Almost every time I would "mistakenly " end up where I shouldn't have. 

I was frustrated with my filter, with the filtering company, with society for being such pigs... etc. but at the end of the day I was truthfully frustrated with myself. Because under the guise of "checking if my filter is working...or something else" was always a dash of lustful curiosity...or maybe to be honest- a truckload of good 'ol lust.

Am I as filtered to the teeth as before? Absolutely! But I don't check things anymore. I don't believe without a filter I would immediately crumble. I know that there's more to me and my resolve than just putting fences upon fences in place. I know that it's my passion and decision that's the true deterrent. 

                                Grant