I just want to clarify that I too was only referring to someone who is addicted. As can be seen in my post. If someone saw it or sees here and there throughout their single years that is definitely not a reason to end a shidduch. Just like I compared it to someone who is currently handicapped or suffers from extreme anxiety and discussed it continuing after marriage. Not someone who used to be those things.

Markz wrote on 07 Aug 2020 05:38:

Cordnoy is in a funk and with the gals; actually, that's the same. May not be the gals MarkZ was referrin' to though. He is here but prefers to remain low. 

Additionally, there is now a team of official helpers on the site; there is no need for a renegade like me.

Godspeed to y'all

Hey! We got cordnoy out of hibernation!! But I think he already tucked his beard under the covers and is drifting back to sleep in his cellar*... Bye bye! We miss you!

*igloo. 

There have been some great points here on both sides with truth to them. I don't have much to add. But one thing I can add, that I know is 100% true: Hashem Himself has tremendous respect for anyone fighting this battle. And when they get upstairs they will see that they are considered much greater than they could ever imagine. And Hashem will say about them, "I can't believe these people tried and tried and stayed strong even for a short time, and especially that they refused to give up the fight." (See Sukkah 52a and Zecharya perek 8 posuk 6.) And He knows how hard it is, especially since He created temptation.

Great thought provoking thread. 

A thought occurred to me over Shabbos, that if Hashem holds highly of us and that's His attitude, then after 120 every person will also view us this way. Once people move upstairs they obviously won't go after their mistaken perspectives when it's against Hashem's. So everyone, including people who look down on us and even the girl who broke the engagement and pickamoniker's wife etc, will look at us differently and have a higher image of us. (Disclaimer: I am not discussing whether it was right or not for them to end their relationships, or the extreme pain they no doubt felt but I can't fully relate to. These things are beyond my ability to know, because 1. we don't know all the details of their situations, and 2. I'm not a woman and I have not and cannot actually experience such emotions in the same way.)

Captain wrote on 10 Aug 2020 13:23:

Great disclaimer. Honest.

It says in Sifrei Chassidus on ״והאיש משה עניו מכל האדם אשר על פני האדמה״ that HaShem showed Moshe the generation before the coming of Moshiach and the struggles that the Yidden will overcome with their מסירת נפש and Moshe was humbled by that. Couldn’t stop thinking of this vort throughout this thread as well as picamoniker’s.

(Also, I should have listened to whoever said to get a box of tissues before reading it...)

Captain wrote on 07 Aug 2020 20:07:

Sorry for posting on a thread that has been dead for a while and I'm not even sure how I got here but this is a fascinating and very important topic. This is something I have been struggling with a lot. Why doesn't my wife understand more my struggle? Why doesn't she show more compassion for my needs in this area? etc etc. 

I certainly am not one to say who is right or wrong when breaking a shidduch or even a marriage because of these things but I want to suggest the following perspective for us to think about: 

With all my being i want to believe that I'm the right one here and I am a  victim of frum life, Yeshiva education (or lack of it), my wife's naivety and ignorance, all the girls in the street and the list goes on and on. The first post on this thread i could have written with all my heart and soul. Go look at my thread. Ive said all these things over and over again. But i also know that I'm wrong and here's why:

I fully agree that Hashem loves us. Every time we win a struggle he is so happy with us. He understands us so well "emes ki ata yodea yitzram." All true. But do we really expect our wives to look at us and appreciate us the way Hashem does?! Lets flip this and imagine that our wife has a severe anger problem. She gets angry and hits us and goes crazy. But she works on it and sometimes she wins. I'm sure Hashem loves her and is proud of every victory but would you marry or stay married to her? Of course not! Because we are not Hashem. We marry a woman that we can respect and love and build a life with. Of course everyone has flaws but those are flaws that are normal and we can live with. We would not marry a person who has a serious flaw that can destroy the very foundation of marriage no matter how much Hashem loves that person. 

​Let us not fool ourselves. For those of us who watch alot of porn (not just once a year) we are ruining our wives life. We waste lots of time and money. We are pressuring them to live up to porn stars and our whole view of reality is warped. At least for me, when I watch porn I am in a different world and not present at all. Yes Hashem loves us but should she? I'm not so sure. 

We need to be normal people. Of course flawed, but normal.