starting wrote on 13 Nov 2020 06:17:

Hey buddy! I wasn't creating lines in your name, most came from your own earlier posts. Check it out. I just compiled "שופרא דסטארטינג".

11 b"h

I still get these urges to fall. 
When will He just leave me alone? When will He just accept that I will not do it? Just stop trying me out. 

HHM taught me to view it like robbing a bank. Would love to (very useful) but even if the idea would come up in the back of mind, it would not present itself as an idea, just as a faraway notion, a fantasy. 
A fall is the same. Not a valid idea but it is a motion that comes up in the back of my mind. Not as something to do but as something that would be pleasant thing in a way, although definitely not worth it. 

So why would He bring up the notion so often? How about once a year, like the bank idea? 
When will He finally realise and accept that I don't do this? 


Anyway, I don't really have the emotional energy to write much these days, what with very stressful things going on in my life, but I want to thank everyone who is contributing to the forums, I am getting a lot of chizzuk, there are some really important and inspirational posts being written 

I presume that you think of falling more often then robbing a bank because you’ve never robbed a bank before. It’s a good perspective to have, but realistically falling has been an option for you in the past. Eventually, as time goes on, it will be less of an option. 

Hey Starting, I see you made it to 90 days! Congratulations!

Mazal tov!!! Remember, no magic is gonna happen, unless we make it happen! KOT ODAAT!

Huge Mazal Tov!

Can we get a word from the birthday boy?

Wow, I'm touched that you noticed and overwhelmed by the support! 

I will Iy"h take some time to reflect this week and post some things that come to mind. 

Iy"h by all of you, to 90 and up... 

Really had no hope without all of you so I thank you from the bottom of my heart 

Wow! Mazel tov. It's such a good feeling to be truly happy for someone else's freedom, all the more so for someone who I don't even know. I think it may be because i relate to your struggles. Iv'e also been battling for over 10 years or so, as you wrote in your first post!
Wishing you continued Hatzlocho, ur no longer Starting, ur continuing.

A brief summary of my current situation 

I joined gye about 9 months ago. 
I hit 90 on Thursday.
There is no magic. No automatic transformation. But there is definitely a feeling of being ready to battle this forever.
Most of all, the support I get from you guys, the feeling of 'some people seem genuinely happy for me. That I am becoming a better person' that gives me such a boost. And you guys especially gave that feeling more than ever this week. Thank you.

It was a long journey. Many trials and triumphs. But at some point it hit me that it's over. I'm a different guy. I am a fighter. 
Baruch Hashem, I think (hope?) that the yetzer hora is starting to see this because he's taking a step back. Like, He mostly tries to convince me to do 'smaller' things like to touch myself. BTW I only stopped touching myself at around day 40. But the Yetzer Hora and I both know that, chances are, the day I touch myself will be the beginning of the end. I will either fall that day or in the following days. 
That, I believe, is huge. 
Yes, I know that I would really enjoy masturbation. But I would probably also enjoy bacon. So it's still a struggle. A hard one sometimes. But it's more in the mind. Like, I remind myself that it's out of the question. Let the urge float away/distract myself, don't dwell on it, certainly don't fantasise and move on. So long as I don't touch, the nisayon stays quite removed from my reality. So that is my main struggle. 
But actually falling is not for me. Tough. Not doing it. 
And I think that hitting 90 was just another way to tell him 'one step more removed. Don't ask me again'. 

A special thank you to Hashem Help Me. 
I have no words. 

Will try call you today Iy"h 

I just read your thread from the beginning. amazing journey. youre an unbelievable inspiration.
your story really resonates with me, 5+ times aweek etc, im at that stage where i manage a couple of weeks and than lose it.
could you maybe post for us something about your last streak that made it different to the other failed ones,
it would be a big chizzuk for me and im sure many of us
with respect
jack

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jack123 wrote on 06 Dec 2020 12:03:

Truth is, I posted as I went through significant stages and will Iy"h compile a list of things that work for me. 
But it's all just a means to an end, namely the rewiring of my brain that I don't feel like it makes sense to do this stuff. That as much as possible i should feel like someone who has never done this and that it's unacceptable to me. 

Day 99

Awful shabbos. (sounds wrong, I know). 
Had to be away for shabbos. Hopefully resentment will stop tonight at home iy"h. 

New day tomorrow. Day 100...