The y"h gave me a new line of thought today: stopping cold turkey is not for me. I'll forever feel like I'm missing out and I'll get depressed. I should really make my streaks go a bit longer each time. 

This is after trying to stop for well over 10 years. How crazy is that? 
​I now see even more clearly how he has powers of manipulation that we cannot fathom 
Doing it for my good of course. I shouldn't always feel like I'm missing out 
The creep

I hereby start my journey to purity
The reason I have not officially done this yet is because I feel that the order of the forum is cleverly designed. I first introduced myself. Then I started a log of trying to break free (this actually in the marrieds section as it's a bit along those lines) 
I did not in any way have the strength to attempt a 90. But now I think that the time is ripe. Even if it takes a few tries. 

Day 18 (BTW it's my first time at day 18 in my life)

Hatzlacha guys

Yes you can!

I fell today and I need to speak it out a little for it seems I can't otherwise get it past me. 

For years I have been struggling with shmiras einayim and Kedusha in general, masturbation in particular. 

Recently I found gye. 
Went from approx 5 times a week to average of about 2 a week in 4 months. 
Feel a bit better just by putting it that way. 

Now after a fall I feel despair in a sense but not because it's impossible, rather more of a realisation that it doesn't take 90 days to be 90 days clean. In fact it could take years but with incredible gains on the way. 
Purity after being addicted is an amazing feat, one that is indescribably accomplishing in many other aspects in life, more on that in the marrieds section Iy"h 
​At the same time I feel how overcoming this addiction is the an overwhelming feat that has to be earned. Fought for and battled over. Every battle for a day, for an hour is like fighting over inches of territory, something that seems too much of a struggle yet we can't afford to lose it no matter how hard. 
Therefore I feel admiration for all our tzaddikim here who have taken it to a year clean, to 6 months clean, to 90 days clean, to 1 month clean, to 1 week clean, to 1 day clean and, perhaps most admiringly, to 1 battle clean. Because that first battle after a fall is the challenge. That is where you are battling not only your y"h and your habits but also your own mood and your own mind.
Your intrllect is not really saying that you can and will get there. That is when the feelings are so down. So much despair. So much lost hope. Where reality seems to shatter your dreams and aspirations. 

My chizzuk today will come from you who have gotten back whether immediately or after a series of falls.
From you who realise that it's not the time now to think and rationalise but rather to blindly trust and believe that back when you first decided to stop, the reasoning there was more important than the current feelings I am experiencing. 

Hatzlocho 

Hey Starting! 

It is always super inspiring to see people who have struggled for so long coming on GYE and making real progress! 

I love your second post! This is like the story of my life and so many others. I find the people who realize the battle is much more about getting back up after a fall are so much more successful at this than people who focus on needing the victories. The victories will come, but first we gotta focus on being healthier people. 

I am rooting for you and I wish you much hatzlacha! If I can be any help feel free to reach out! 

Don’t underestimate the progress you’ve made. 
60% in 4 months so far seems like a pretty big success number to me. 
Keep doing what you’re doing, add additional inspiration, tools, and  Safe guards, and slowly you’ll keep growing in the right direction. 

Good Luck,
iwillnevergiveup - neither should you!

I am restarting my count today.
I feel like it would help to look back in 3 months and say wow, 80+ clean days out of 90 as opposed to 165 clean out of 200 or something like that.
When I started I had no idea what I was doing, no strategy, no plan. Now I have been actively tracking my progress and am more alert b"h.

Yesterday, after my fall was the first minute of the new me. The me with long streaks as I work on achieving 90+ with all your' help.

Thank you all

Hey starting!
I always love your posts!
Thanks for opening up with us, it gives us chizuk, even if you fall. We all feel your pain and we all are reminded we are not alone in this struggle.
What really helped me is to try and forget the count (although I still count, ironically, but I try not to value the streak so much). For me I need to be sober for today, otherwise I have a crappy day. I get depressed, I don't work well, eat well etc. And I have to stay sober mainly for myself. Not even for my wife and kids. I need sanity and the only way I can get it is by giving up lust, day by day, hour by hour. In fact, it's a chessed I do to myself, I feel so much better when sober. So now is the time to look back and see how much you've accomplished and yet try not to get stuck to the numbers. "Today can be a great day if only I don't lust". Keep that in mind everyday, meditate about it. And of course, try and find kosher ways to deal with your everyday woes.
I'm sure Hashem is not only not angry at you but extremely proud of you. You inspire a lot of people here, myself included. 

I am clean

I an struggling
I will do something productive like learning or do something around the house soon. Maybe go for a walk. 

Will make it Iy"h 

I feel your pain.  I've also been struggling.  One thing that has helped is going for Jog.  Helps the tension evaporate and release positive energy.  Keep us posted on your journey 

I fell. On Shabbos. But to be honest, I slipped so much on Friday that I could really count it as a fall. I was basically trying to hack mmy filter. It led to 2 days of thoughts and then m. 

Without my filters I would have zero hope. Although my struggle is more about m I would have no chance of any cleanliness if I would be able to watch.

Thank you all for your great chizzuk and support, every comment helps a lot and is truly appreciated. 

Got to revise my plan. 
Need more motivation. 
I did write why I want to stop. How much better I will feel. But then I was thinking that maybe that's just the train of thought and  type of pleasure I enjoy when I'm clean. Maybe it's really not worth the effort when the challenge is so great. 

I think now, when I rewrite the plan, I can more accurately and in a detailed way describe my feelings of desire. And next to it I can describe the feelings I had for the next few hours. 
Rereading that will have to help me. There must be a way. 
Iy"h I and all of us will make it clean. 

Even as I type this I'm still feeling so much despair, so hopeless and I'msstill really lacking motivation but once I finish my plan and reread it a couple of times I will Iy"h be ready to fight for a clean day or two. 

Remember to make that detailed list now when the feelings and emotions are all still fresh! 

P.s. We ALL would have zero hope without filters!!!! There's a reason chaza"l made a geziera of yichud even for the biggest tanaim and amoraim. And between me and you it's way easier to not be "me'aneis" a woman than to hold ourselves back from a few clicks on a device that won't harm anyone (directly).

My new plan includes a new clause: before clicking on questionable links, news sites erc I am to bl"n write 'I am now going to look at - specify site- because I cannot control myself for 20 minutes and try to meditate or otherwise let go of the urge, although I know that it will make me feel worthless while withholding and focusing on how great a sacrifice it is to hold back would make me feel like I'm ready to be part of God's army gye battalion'

I just fell


I have nothing to add

starting wrote on 21 Jul 2020 05:34:

You also mentioned that this has been your longest streak to date.
Keep up the good work

starting wrote on 28 Jul 2020 05:29:

Thanks for your courageous post.  I'm with you my dear GYE brother.