Congratulations on reaching triple-digits, and, more importantly, rewiring your brain (as HHM said)! Keep up the great work!
eved41

Mazal tov!!!!

Wow!

Look what you have to show for yourself!
[As opposed to the empty nothingness that comes as one cleans up from a mess...]

I will keep your success as my model as I BEZH go from 28-100

90dys

YOU ARE AWESOME!!! 

#Enoughsaid

Mazel tov!!!

Day #110.

I am feeling sad tonight. I've been trying to write about this for some time, but I never knew how to write it. I'm going to give it a shot.

Thanks to the Ribbono Shel Olam and this holy community I have greatly distanced myself from pornography and masturbation over the last 11+ months. Besides my current 110 days streak, another streak of 88 days and cumulative clean days 318. That is the overwhelming majority of the time that I have been part of GYE. 

I don't mean to diminish the struggle at all with what I am about to write. I know the struggle very well. I spent 8 years of marriage and another 5-6 years before that struggling. Still, now that it has at least for the last 11 months become something of lesser import in my life, I have pushed it out of the way and identified the bigger struggle for me.

I used to turn to pornography and masturbation, but now it's movies and TV shows (I know that for some GYE users those can be very destructive for this struggle, but that isn't my issue in this post). I've thought about blocking all of that stuff again, but when I did that before, I just used my wife's unfiltered device (she has to open them with a password) and one thing would lead to the next... I'm scared that if I block entertainment from my devices, I will go back to using her devices. I've tried telling her in the past to not let me use her devices for entertainment because it is a waste of time and she agrees. But all I have to do is ask her for the devices and she'll let me use them.

I have found that, when I am alone, I have very poor time management and productivity. I need a lot of external motivation. I am very talented and I am watching those talents go to waste.

My real struggle is with screens and entertainment. In fact, those were almost always the gateways to using my wife's unfiltered devices. 

What is your relationship with entertainment? For me, youtube is off limits because I will go straight down a rabbits hole.
Do you use a show to relax and move on, or do you binge watch one episode after another?

In my marriage, wife under no circumstances can be placed as my mashgiach. If I ask her to open a site, if she asks me questions, I resent her, hate her etc, she opens sites for me regardless of what it is. It's up to me to be in charge of my life. (I rarely ask her to open sites, anything I usually use is on our white list.)

If I find myself having trouble with this, I need to find another secret keeper for my filter because a wife cannot have that responsibility.

I know this doesn't help much with your wife's phone but you can either ask her to put a filter on it or you can make up never to touch it.

As far as how you use entertainment, I feel that although it may be a good idea to work on growing in this area, you need a better plan of action. Until you are ready to let go completely, I think you will have to make a plan on how to limit time or something similar without needing to use your wife's phone instead.

I think most filters have an option for timed usage where you can have a certain website close after a certain amount of time. This is something that has worked for me in the past. Just giving another option.

Back to wife's unfiltered device, obviously the first option is to kindly ask her to filter it but if that's not an option, you have to make it muktzah. Ask her to try not to leave it lying around and make sure to never ever ask her to open it. Period. Find a way to make it off limits, it's up to you. 

An Idea, make a kabalah not to touch it for say 48 hours and update us on it every day.

Just my two cents.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 28 Dec 2020 06:09:

I had the same issue as you. Probably even more extreme. Completely stopping was ludicrous to me. I could never imagine sacrificing so much of what my life (sadly) revolved around, or giving up so much enjoyment. 

But something had to be done. My life was being overrun by an obsession of movies, and it was effecting my productivity, marriage, learning and lust.

I had a good friend who realized what it was doing to my life and forced me to do something about it. He made rules about when and how I was allowed to watch, with accountability to him, but I broke everything. 

I realized that drastic measures must be taken and I wrote out a five hundred dollar check and gave it to him. I instructed him to ask me every day if I broke any of the rules, and an answer in the affirmative must result in him depositing the check. 

This worked wonders. The chance of losing a significant amount of money, coupled with the understanding that I must make changes for the future was quite a motivation. 

I did get ahead of myself, and delighted with the effectiveness, I merrily added more rules regarding different things too fast, and I lost my first check. I immediately wrote out a new one I believe, for six hundred. This one worked, but my friend stopped checking in on me, complacent with my behavior, and one night I broke the rules again. But the condition was my friend had to ask, so I didn't tell him and he didn't deposit it.

I think it was the day after that, I posted on GYE for the first time about this issue. In addition, I learned how much even innocent movies effected my lust too. (Until now I only thought it was when I deliberately searched for "those" parts). Having the forum, helped me overcome this completely eventually. But I believe it was only possible because of the way I taught myself that I had the ability to stop through the money deal.

So, maybe you can do the same. Make it a sizable sum, enough to deter you, and find someone you trust. If you are uncomfortable you don't have to tell them what it's for. Just have them inquire periodically as to your keeping the rules. Obviously you must be honest.

My ramble is over.

                              Grant

P.S. After growing so much, my friend showed up to a simcha I made and handed me my original $500 and the $600 uncashed check in an envelope, and told me he's proud of me, and I deserve the money back. I guess his new suit wasn't bought with my money. 

lionking wrote on 28 Dec 2020 06:44:

I will watch a show sometime if I am overburdened as an escape. I wouldn't say that it helps me to relax. Just a distraction. The issue that I am having is both binge watching and sometimes any watching. I want to be in control of when I watch. I don't want it to be a force of habit.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 28 Dec 2020 12:29:

If I could "make up never to touch it," I don't think I would be on this website. The truth is that since January, when I started GYE, I have barely used her devices. If I see that they are open, I will lock them in sleep mode. Still, I am not confident that if I close access to entertainment, I will be able to maintain the same distance from her devices.


Agreed. I would much rather waste more time with entertainment than look at pornography and masturbate.


I really like my current filter, so I am going to stick with it, but I will contact support and see if they have any such options.


Filter isn't an option. Making it muktzeh, see above. Whether or not she puts it away doesn't make a difference. I know where she stores her devices.


I have thought about using this forum to update on my progress.


Two cents taken! Thanks!

Grant400 wrote on 28 Dec 2020 15:00:

Great story, Grant400. In my home, I would let my wife know about any such arrangement. Once that's the case, maybe she could or should be my accountability partner. I don't necessarily have to tell her about the other struggle. Not sure...

The first step to most solutions is naming the problem. Getting the problem out of one's head. I have achieved that now and I already feel more confident. I'll post an update in a few days about any progress on the matter. 

Hey Sheva Yipol!

I think the most important thing is not losing focus on your success! What a trick by the y''h to make you think that 110 days being clean is not a big deal, and something else is the "real" problem. You are a much healthier person and have so many more years ahead of you to continue working on time management and leading an, EVEN MORE, productive life. 

You chose your name for a reason, and it doesn't say "echad" yipol v'kam. Maybe until now you thought it was talking about falling seven times for one challenge, but the truth is that it is just as true regarding seven different challenges. After you have successfully risen over one thing, now you have the opportunity to move on to the next. In your case, this would be stopping to watch TV and Movies in an unhealthy way. Sheva Yipol TZADIK V'kam. Just working on something to try and grow is putitng you in the category of tzadik!

Maybe a practical suggestion - You should think really hard about what you want to more productive about and why? Until you have something to replace it with, you will be invariably busy with TV and Movies because no one wants to be bored. It is also really hard to replace it with something more productive unless you truly believe in it.  

Want to add more quality family time? Think about why that is important and how you can build generations! 

Want to add more learning time? Think about the eternity you will be creating for yourself!

Want to add more productive time for business? Think about whether that would allow you to do more good in this work and provide for your family! (This one you need to be careful with as can also become and unhealthy addiction.) 

I personally grew up with lots of TV and movies and can relate to the struggle. It took me many years to give it up, but I feel so free by not spending my time on entertainment. It is a choice and I understand why you feel it isn't the right decision to give it up completely. 

Don't despair and keep plowing! You can definitely utilize these forums for this challenge and we all want to see you succeed! 

Day #133.

I wrote about my issues with entertainment. Yes, it hinders my productivity, keeps me from doing things that I'd rather be doing, and makes me feel disappointed that I am doing it out of force of habit and not choice. That being said, I'd rather struggle with entertainment than pornography and masturbation. One thing that I did do today that will hopefully help is that I contacted support for my filtering software and had them shut off my internet from 10:30PM-7:00AM. I think that is another step in the right direction.

Berochos for all!

That is amazing!!! That may seem like a small step, but really that is a huge geder and I am sure you will see incredible results! I know how hard it is to completely cut yourself off from something, and I greatly respect your determination. You have alot to be proud of!

Keep up the great work and inspiring all of us!!!

Day #142.

I have been on GYE for just over a year. My cumulative clean days count reads 350. It is probably between 330-340, but...whoa! Almost the entire year with no pornography or masturbation. That is amazing. Just one year ago, I could barely go a week. More like barely go three days. And that was the case for almost the entirety of my marriage. This last year, I looked at pornography four times instead of 150-200 times! I can't believe it.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 29 Jan 2021 01:35:

One can only imagine the celebration in shomayim! Wow!