Thanks guys! B"H day #32 (Lev) clean.

I have been having some small urges here and there, but my biggest trigger has been my emotions. Sometimes it all comes back, the memories of my past marriage, etc. I'm trying to avoid dwelling on old memories, trying to fight them back with bad memories, but the sadness and loneliness can be a bit overwhelming. B"H I told myself repeatedly that acting out would only increase the pain. Also, now's not the time to think who was to blame, or what could've been done. Instead, I should dwell on the future.

Just wanted to share a bit of what I've been reading from the gaon R'Elyahu DeVidas' reishis chochmo shaarei kedusho.

The eye's three sections, sclera (white of eye), iris and pupil are equivalent to Ek-yeh, Adnus and Y-K-V-K. They're also keneged iam okyanus (atlantic sea I think), yobasho (dry land) and the bas ayin, pupil, Yerusholoyim. The center of the bas ayin is keneged the Kodeish Hakodoshim. Rabboisai, when we are machnis images of arayos into the ayin, we're being machins a tzeilem inside the Kodeish Hakodoshim R"L.
Finally he says that in order to achieve tikkun hamachshovo, one first needs to be mesaken the reei'a (guard your eyes).

Yea I here that, its really when I get in my head that it gets most difficult. 

I really like this part of you post, I think its showing your best self. Everyone has a day 0, its just about pushing forward ODAAT, and it sounds like you got that down.

Thanks, I almost deleted that post. But oh well, at least I was brutally honest on what I was feeling.

B"H Day #35 clean.
A gut woch.
So, just to give you guys some background on what's going on in mind as of recently... On monday I decided to go back to the old apartment I used to live with my ex-wife, alone of course. The apartment is mine and vacant. I was considering selling it, but I really liked the kehile there and all the amenities (gym, pool, rec room for kids, etc). My only concern was and still is, reviving old memories. Since I decided going back on monday, and plan on moving this coming monday, I have been very busy with the preps. In the meantime I have visited the apartment a few times and it has, indeed, sparked some memories. Still overall, I think I'm making the correct decision (I spoke with my Rebbi and some friends). I really loved living there, just not with her. Bez"H I plan on getting married soon (no shidduch in sight as of now, just really looking for one) and thus build new memories there.
So it's mixed right now. On one hand, I'm very excited. I really missed being there and participating in the kehile. On the other hand, the memories are back stronger already. Still, I feel like right now, I'm in a stronger position, emotionally speaking.
So no major urges, other than the emotional triggers.
Wishing you all a clean und heilige woch.
Once more thank you all for the support!

B"H Day #37 clean.
Made the move, B"H everything went fine, it was just a bit exhausting.
So last night I was studying masseches Gittin 13a and came across a passage that aludes to lust addiction. Very interesting.
A small prelude:
The chochomim and R'Meir argue whether one can be chozer on a get to an eved cnaanis through a shliach. In other words, the rav (master) sends the get shichrur to the eved cnaanis through a shaliach. The shaliach hasn't yet delivered the get to the eved. The rav changes his mind. Can he retract? This machlokes is based on a principle "zochin haodom shelo be ponov". We can benefit someone, even if he's not present. So the question is, is it a zchus to the eved to be freed or not? Chochomim say yes, therefore he can't be chozer. Since it's a zechus to the eved, the moment the get reaches the hand of the shliach, the eved is free. R'Meir says no, it's not a zchus to the eved, so the master can retract before it reaches the eveds hands. Mai ta'ama de R' Meir?
In the midst of the machlokeis, R'Meir says that if the eved goes free, he becomes a Jew (ger), and he is osser to his shifcho cnaanis. The chochomim say, but then he becomes mutter to be nose'o a bas horin. R'Meir says, but he is willing to give up everything to be with his shifcho, which is pruzo, zilo, etc. (It's a "chov" for him to lose his shifcho, so he prefers to stay an eved, so the rav can be chozer)
Raboisai, man can give everything away, his yiddishkeit, his physical and spiritual cheirus so he can be with his shifcho (P&M). Like Dov says, how much are we moseir nefesh for our taivos...
Food for thought.
Once more, thank you for your support!

B"H day #40 clean.

Have been having quite a bit of urges lately. I thought I'd lose it last night.
B"H went for a walk and it helped.
How did I withstand the urges? I didn't let myself fantasize and removed myself from the environment. Many thoughts came yesterday, but I knew if I dwelt on them one single bit, I'd lose it. 
I saw keri this morning too. Perhaps time to up my shemiras eyinaim again. I think I've been lax. My seder limud faltered quite a bit too.
Other than that B"H still trucking.
Have a clean Shabbos everyone.

Keep it up!
Stay strong!

You could do it.

B"H day #42 clean.

I tested positive for Covid-19 
On a brighter note, it's 6 weeks clean lol.
B"H no major symptoms. Just really feverish, a tad short of breath and quite sore. Let's just say I'm definitely not a 100%. At least for now the urges are quite dormant. Can't think of anything besides getting into my blankets and sleeping the whole day.

I believe the prevailing mindset is not to worry about keri - especially if you aren't married

think it is normal for the body to have an excess of sperm and need to get rid of it

Refuah Sheliema

Thanks! It feels like I had a massive simches Toreh party last night, only I didn't lol. Kinda like a big hangover feeling.
Other than that, managing the fever and stuffy nose.

Refua sheleima. 

B"H day #43 clean
Last night my fever shot up to 102+ (39 C), even after taking dipyrone (an anti-pyretic twice as strong as tylenol). I was really not ok. Shivering non-stop, I went to the hospital. B"H they gave me more fever medicine, ran some tests and all was fine so they discharged me. My nose is really stuffed up and I'm sneezing all the time. But B"H I woke up refreshed, the fever finally receded. Mamash a neis.
It came to me that it sucks to be alone. I wish I had a wife to take care of me. But Bez"H I'll find a new bashert.
On the plus side, my parents were very helpful and are doing my groceries and whatnot.
On the tayve levels, the nice thing about being sick is you don't feel any taive at all. You just wanna make it through the day lol.
I tried smelling stuff and it's really funny not feeling any smells at all. I just came up with a shayle. Do I do bore miney besomin on the next havdole? But I think not right? It's a birkos neheynin. If I'm not neheyne...? Right? Dunno...
Might ask a Rov.

EDIT: Just as I thought:
dinonline.org/2020/09/30/loss-of-smell-due-to-covid/

Snowflake wrote on 21 Jun 2021 13:23:

The Halacha is that one that lost the ability to smell should not make a Bracha on Besomim. But there are three scenarios that can change the the way you would make Havdala this week.

If there are no household members that can smell, don’t make a Bracha on the Besomim(1). (Just skip it, the rest of the Havdala is the same.)

If there are other members of the household that are over Bar/Bas Mitzva, and did not lose the sense of smell, let them make the Bracha on the Besomim, since you can’t be Motzie them(2). In this case make sure not to say Amen on their Bracha(3). (Since that would be a Hefsek between your Hagafen and the drinking of the wine.)

If the only one that did not lose the sense of smell is a child under Bar/Bas Mitzva, but old enough to understand the need for Havdala, (which is around the age of 7), you should make the Bracha to be Motzie the child(4).

1 שו“ע או“ח סימן רצ“ז ס“ה

2 משנה ברורה שם ס“ק י“ג

3 עיין בשערי תשובה קס“ז ס“ק י“א

4 שו“ע או“ח סימן רצ“ז ס“ה