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Learning what to answer
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TOPIC: Learning what to answer 5049 Views

Learning what to answer 30 Oct 2019 02:10 #344671

  • greenland55
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Good evening,
Starting on July 7, I was 113 days clean. But today, Rosh Chodesh Heshvan, I relapsed. Obviously I am still in a far better place than I was 113 days ago. This thread is documenting my attempt to keep that advantage that I worked so hard at.

How this occurred:
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

The factors in my life that I can and will change are as follows:
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

I will update this thread about two or three times per week, in the afternoon. Anybody who has comments or advice or encouragement would be more than welcomed.
Last Edit: 30 Oct 2019 02:13 by greenland55. Reason: more stuff

Re: Learning what to answer 30 Oct 2019 08:38 #344697

  • david26fr
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Thanks for the share !

Also I fell last tuesday night, during Rosh Chodesh... After 111 days clean. Look like we had the same duration...
(I didn't updated my thread and my chart yet)

Relapses can occurs, but we have to keep our program and our goal.
I know that one of the cause of my fall is because I was relaxed about my program during Sukkot... And the time at the end of Tishri, when we go back to daily routine, is often a difficult time.

You can see your improvement because you didn't fall fast, and you tried to impeach the fall. It's a big step !
In my side, the improvement was I fell with mz''l but without porn, and I refrain myself to see porn, because I know the pictures will continue to haunt my mind during days.

So we have yo get up, and continue to work and to improve in our programs

And some advices : find solutions how to deal with stress effectively, and avoid at any cost to "keep a bottle hidden in the fridge" i.e a device not filtered...

Re: Learning what to answer 31 Oct 2019 01:00 #344757

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Hello David,

Thank you for the post. The streak is a good motivator, but it's not the whole story of our progress. We're still ahead. This is the most important time because we can either keep a lot of our progress or G-d forbid, lose much of it. Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat. But remember all that you got to accomplish and be during that time.

Good to not watch pornography not have that in your head. Also, remember you don't need to "complete" your slip in order to be ready to start again, and that it's still serious even if the fall was not complete. But by not going further, you are giving your next one (of indefinite length, G-d willing) a good start. Don't know if you've ever had that misconception but I used to all the time.

Regarding the bottle in the fridge, you're completely right even though it's a pain. All filters will mess with normal activity to some extent but you just have to tinker with them some or deal with rather than bypass them. I work part time in IT, so if I get too frustrated those filters don't stand a chance. Which is a bad thing.

I have been isolating myself, neglecting most fun, socialization, and Torah learning and becoming unhealthy in order to do more classwork. This was supposed to be temporary, but in the end I've not got that much schoolwork done and relapsed. So you're right on that.
Best regards, greenland55

Re: Learning what to answer 03 Nov 2019 16:41 #344855

  • greenland55
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Log from last night:
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!


Stuff that other people might care about:

It is more difficult for me to do Teshuvua for this sort of smaller fall than it is for one that goes all the way. Maybe other people also have this and need to understand the consequences of their actions.

I don't like the word "porn". It's not something we should be on familiar terms with like a friend, or a commonplace thing that requires an abbreviation. It's called pornography, and it is something with which "I do desire we may be better strangers".

Re: Learning what to answer 04 Nov 2019 18:41 #344904

  • david26fr
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greenland55 wrote on 31 Oct 2019 01:00:

Good to not watch pornography not have that in your head. Also, remember you don't need to "complete" your slip in order to be ready to start again, and that it's still serious even if the fall was not complete. But by not going further, you are giving your next one (of indefinite length, G-d willing) a good start. Don't know if you've ever had that misconception but I used to all the time.


I thank you a lot for this post, because it's exactly what happened to me... And I wasn't aware of it.

I fall a second time, with shmutz this time
And during the two days between the two falls, it's was like : I didn't see but I want to see, why I didn't see, aaah... Until the fall.

And it's was then I felt I could take a new start. A little bit too late...

Re: Learning what to answer 04 Nov 2019 20:45 #344908

  • greenland55
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Sorry to hear that David. It's super duper tough to get out of it once you have fully accepted the lie that you're in that tailspin and will one day inevitably relapse. I, personally, have never successfully done it but it's definitely important to learn.

Good news on my end: I got a locker on campus to keep my computer in. This means that I don't need to bring my computer home any more. This will also make me leave my room more often. Sort of a physical filter.

Re: Learning what to answer 04 Nov 2019 21:19 #344909

  • dave m
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greenland55 wrote on 04 Nov 2019 20:45:

Good news on my end: I got a locker on campus to keep my computer in. This means that I don't need to bring my computer home any more. This will also make me leave my room more often. Sort of a physical filter.

That is a great plan.  Being proactive in this battle will lead victories.

Re: Learning what to answer 04 Nov 2019 21:23 #344910

  • dave m
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Dave M wrote on 04 Nov 2019 21:19:

greenland55 wrote on 04 Nov 2019 20:45:

Good news on my end: I got a locker on campus to keep my computer in. This means that I don't need to bring my computer home any more. This will also make me leave my room more often. Sort of a physical filter.

That is a great plan.  Being proactive in this battle will lead victories.

To add to this.  I remember back when I was studying, I would not trust myself to be alone with my laptop at home.  During these times, I studied in a public area, such as libraries, etc.  This is an important point in this battle.  We will most likely not win when we are in the middle of this struggle.  It is too hard.  The key is to plan ahead and avoid falling in the black hole.

Re: Learning what to answer 06 Nov 2019 00:47 #344928

  • greenland55
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Thanks Dave I'm really going to stick with it. It's been pretty good since. Last night I had difficulty sleeping, but it was fine. I read my textbook for an hour and went back fine. Otherwise I may have spent that time agonizing over watching schmutz.

Re: Learning what to answer 11 Nov 2019 16:33 #345062

  • greenland55
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Well I have to say that this not bringing your computer home if you can thing is really working out well. Basically pornography isn't really a viable option and I can go and work on some things that I have been neglecting more. As an added bonus, I don't really putz around on the computer anymore. I still putz around but at least it can be in a semi productive capacity like cleaning my room or reading etc. And I don't stay home as much. But I can't grow overconfident and I am still an addict, even if a clean and recovering one.

I highly recommend not brining your computer home to anybody for whom it is an option.

Re: Learning what to answer 11 Nov 2019 17:10 #345063

  • Markz
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greenland55 wrote on 11 Nov 2019 16:33:
Well I have to say that this not bringing your computer home if you can thing is really working out well. Basically pornography isn't really a viable option and I can go and work on some things that I have been neglecting more. As an added bonus, I don't really putz around on the computer anymore. I still putz around but at least it can be in a semi productive capacity like cleaning my room or reading etc. And I don't stay home as much. But I can't grow overconfident and I am still an addict, even if a clean and recovering one.

I highly recommend not brining your computer home to anybody for whom it is an option.

Well I have to say you don’t sound like an addict :-(

And I definitely have to say, you’re doing great :-)

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Re: Learning what to answer 13 Nov 2019 16:14 #345116

  • greenland55
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Thanks MarkZ, but I am and probably most of us are here and we'll be so until Moshiach. I'm recovering BH but we've all got to understand that some innocuous things might not be options for us, the same way it is not bad for me to drink, but if a drunk with kids does (G-d forbid) it is.
But thank you kindly, it's been a blessing (and my part of theroom is extremely clean)

Re: Learning what to answer 15 Nov 2019 09:05 #345160

  • greenland55
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This has not been a good night at all. I have not been sleeping well for the past week or so. Today I slept through all of my classes which is pretty mortifying when you wake up to the prof looking you in the eye. But I go down to sleep pretty early because I was tired.
(spoilered for describing fall, feel free to skip)
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

I wasn't immediately sorry for what I had done because I was angry at Hashem for the fact that I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a week and because of other social and personal complications caused by starting to be Torah observant. Turns out not every mitzvah is convenient.
But on the other hand, there is an entire book in the Tanakh (Job) about being angry with Hashem for things not going my way which I just thought about while writing this post (incidentally, reading it caused me to delete an entire depressing paragraph). What I need is to strengthen my Emunah but I'm not sure how.
If people have any comments on what to think about this or advice on how to deal with this situation in the future I'd really greatly appreciate it.

Re: Learning what to answer 15 Nov 2019 12:28 #345162

  • Hashem Help Me
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Your honesty and courage are impressive. Do you speak to anyone about all this? Do you have a rebbi/mentor? Or at least a good chaver to speak with? Probably that would be the way to proceed, just my opinion (because it has worked for me...)
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Learning what to answer 15 Nov 2019 13:27 #345163

  • dave m
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greenland55 wrote on 15 Nov 2019 09:05:
But on the other hand, there is an entire book in the Tanakh (Job) about being angry with Hashem for things not going my way which I just thought about while writing this post (incidentally, reading it caused me to delete an entire depressing paragraph). What I need is to strengthen my Emunah but I'm not sure how.
If people have any comments on what to think about this or advice on how to deal with this situation in the future I'd really greatly appreciate it.

Keep in mind, that we are not in this world to coast.  Life is a journey.  There will be times, when things are running smoothly and our avodas Hashem is going well and we feel "good" about ourselves.  But there will be "low" days as well.  I know this is easier said than done, but perhaps this perspective will help you ride this out.  Things will get better.  I promise.  You are doing a great job so far. 
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