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Very Hard After Rosh Hashana
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TOPIC: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 1606 Views

Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 03 Oct 2019 07:34 #343950

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Hello All,
For the past three years, I have continuously failed at the 90 days challenge, never getting past two weeks. Recently I have been going on two one-week streaks when  Rosh Hashana ended and now I have faced serious addiction to p***, mzl, and internet distractions in general. Until Chanukah, I will try to abstain from Goyish entertainment. For some reason filters don't work well on my computer (I've tried three or four).  Music and football take up so much of my time and sleep and I just want to spend my time wisely. I need my computer for homework, but I can do more of my homework in libraries with other students.
      This is day zero to my journey and I will try to climb out of the hole I've dug for the last three or more years. I also have trouble with motivation. I don't really care about anything except when showing off to other people and it is a really bad way to live. I really put in a lot of Cavanah in shul, and I feel sad on how I've quickly I've fallen. Whenever I have the slightest difficulty with my homework, I get distracted which sometimes leads to Shmutz. Does anyone have Torah suggestions to help me get out of this mess? I guess I should try to be a proud Jew and serve G-d as much as possible. Since tests are so sporadic, I have no real motivation to go to sleep early and avoid Shmutz. I am harming myself from lack of sleep and I don't care. How could I be a healthy, happy person without Shmutz?

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 03 Oct 2019 07:59 #343952

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In my opinion (take it with a grain of salt, I am anonymous) I would advise you to not focus on stopping porn or mzl at the moment.
Your first order of priority is to take care of yourself. Sleep well, socialize, eat well, etc. I wouldn't worry yet about if you should learn with women or not. 

Are you still in the same dorm? How's your self esteem? Did you develop any friendships?
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 03 Oct 2019 11:19 #343957

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Do you speak or chat with anyone here regularly? That's what got me out of the mess in the beginning. Nothing like a helping hand from someone that cares.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 04 Oct 2019 04:49 #343987

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First Day: Keeping the update brief because I had a busy day, and need to get some sleep for tomorrow BSD. Today, I didn't spend long periods of time in a room by myself on an unfiltered computer, so it wasn't as big a challenge B"H. I followed football for about four minutes and didn't spend a lot of time browsing.
It is sort of strange, but I'm happier when I have less sleep and I'm tired. Maybe it's why we pursue this junk in the first place, to feel numb from our problems. However, Torah and Emunah in the Ribono Shel Olam are the only true remedy toward troubles.

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 04 Oct 2019 05:16 #343989

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Dust2Dust wrote on 04 Oct 2019 04:49:
First Day: Keeping the update brief because I had a busy day, and need to get some sleep for tomorrow BSD. Today, I didn't spend long periods of time in a room by myself on an unfiltered computer, so it wasn't as big a challenge B"H. I followed football for about four minutes and didn't spend a lot of time browsing.
It is sort of strange, but I'm happier when I have less sleep and I'm tired. Maybe it's why we pursue this junk in the first place, to feel numb from our problems. However, Torah and Emunah in the Ribono Shel Olam are the only true remedy toward troubles.

I think numbing out our problems is another form of escape... sorry

But on the other hand, changing our environment from mixing with girls, and facing our problems, is the way to go. GoDustGoUcanDoIt!!
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Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 04 Oct 2019 10:12 #343993

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I am also still new here. But what worked for me might also work for you. Only once i connected with my real problem - low self esteem mainly - and tried to sort this out i can manage to keep sober, as long as my self esteem was hurt or someone hurt it, i did not manage. That was also the reason why i acted out, i was stressed because someone said a not nice comment or hurt my self esteem - so once i realised what the underlying problem is, - as MZL and watching P, where only the solution to my problem or so i thought - but the real solution came when i started having more confidence.

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 04 Oct 2019 21:41 #344010

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Day 2: Brief update before Shabbos. I am clean B''H, but I had some trouble concentrating when trying to learn. I think that was coming from arrogance. One must try to be humble while not sacrificing too much of one's self-esteem. Even though I may see myself as small compared to the grand scheme of things, I must also realize that i have an important mission in life.
Good Shabbos!
Last Edit: 04 Oct 2019 21:42 by Dust2Dust. Reason: To write Day 2 and keep the formatting style the same between paragrahs

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 05 Oct 2019 21:45 #344012

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Dust2Dust

The way you write shows great determination.

But you must also be nice to yourself....if you are too hard on yourself it will not be beneficial to staying clean.

Listen to some music, watch some football.

Get good sleep.

Eat well.

Being healthy will help your self esteem.

New Start Again 06 Oct 2019 23:34 #344064

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Day 0: Fell today. I need to learn Torah and stop getting distracted. I don't have much to say.

Re: Very Hard After Rosh Hashana 07 Oct 2019 00:26 #344065

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If you want to learn Torah and also get right back up all at once, why don't you try these:
1) Read this ebook: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. It really puts the right perspective on this fight. It will help you lift yourself up and get excited to get going again. (Want to be excited every time you control yourself instead of just feeling relieved that you didn't mess yourself up? This is the book to read.)
2) Listen to Torah classes from Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier. He has uplifting speeches on a variety of topics that focus on growth and bring meaning to Yiddishkeit. See his website www.TheShmuz.com. (They're free.) And he also has a great series about tayva called The Fight. Check that out here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/.
I know you feel down, and it's rough. But you can get back up! Hang in there and keep us posted with your successes.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge
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